Friday, August 12, 2005

Setting new standards

I am indebted to a correspondent on the site of the bizarre and wayward politician, Boris Johnson, for the following insight:

PS Vicus Scarra. Bog off, will you? I've read better stuff in sixth form magazines. At least they don't recycle Mrs Trellis.

This person uses the name ‘Howard’. It would be too much to be hoped for that this is the lovely Michael. To think that someone as humble as I could prove to be an irritant is a thought too delicious ever to come true.

I suspect that Howard is just another Tory attempting to gain favour by changing his name to ingratiate himself with the party leader. If this is the case, he will have spent quite a fortune in legal fees and stationery by the end of the decade.

I will take Howard’s criticism to heart, and from now on will attempt to raise the quality of this journal to that of a sixth-form magazine. In order to achieve this, I will need the help of all of the regular commentators (a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. Bugger!), so please try harder next term, and let’s have lots of jokes about how Miss Shagworthy the Chemistry teacher looks like Ronnie Barker.

29 comments:

Mark Gamon said...

Don't think that'll be too much of a problem. I'm always lowering the tone around here (there's a Blair joke in there somewhere, fighting to get out). Mind you, I'd temporarily forgotten all about Boris - think I'll spend a couple of minutes over there RIGHT NOW...

Vicus Scurra said...

No, never heard of her.
The woman is clearly disturbed.

Unknown said...

I wonder how one is christened "Melissa @ Boris Johnson Office"? Does Ms Office's credit card have her as "M@BJ Office", and how is the "@" entered on her birth certificate? Or her driver's licence? I was once told that the "@" symbol is the only symbol on a keyboard without a proper name (cf. "Ampersand", "Hash", "Squiggly Line" etc) - maybe we should name it the "Melissa"? Then we could describe our emails as (for example) 'themerkin(melissa)hotmaildotcodotuk'. What think you?

And what think Melissa? Or Boris? Will someone come and play at my Blog? Baaaaaaaa.

Vicus Scurra said...

And your name is "The Merkin" is it?
These people who hide behind aliases, honestly.

Mark Gamon said...

@ = Melissa!!!!! From now on!!!!!

It'll be such fun giving out one's email address at meetings:

markgamonmelissabtconnectdotcom

Every day a new innovation, at Vicus Scurra's site...

Anonymous said...

Merkin, you said she works at the "BJ" office?

She would have been excellent in the Clinton White House.

/Yes, I'm telling Clinton jokes. Welcome to 1998.
//No need to boo so loud.
///At least I pointed out the obvious joke about Boris for you.
////slashes rule!

Unknown said...

I'm not hiding behind my alias, I'm hiding in front of a large picture of an enfeebled Errol Flynn without a hat on. If I'm very still, I'm perfectly camouflaged (sp?). And pubic wigs help in the process.

You'll all be delighted to know that "Melissa" has now been accepted as the official name for the "@" symbol. See the inestimable Urban Dictionary for details. Vicus - you're famous. Even if you are in a bad mood!

Vicus Scurra said...

Well done Simon, I am ashamed that this website should become a refuge for scoundrels.
Please note that in this public place the nature of my relationship to Melissa will remain confidential. However, anyone giving her any grief will be given short shrift.

Anonymous said...

So Vicki, you're having a relationship with an ampersand now?

Anonymous said...

(could we just talk amongst ourselves here Vics? Lets face it: you're not here half the time anyway. Call yourself a blogger huh? You've got a whole real life going on there haven't you? Pah.)

SimonH, not sure who you are but everything goes very tense/quiet/giggly when you come on, are you famous or something?

I blame marks var. for loads of things. Really I do.

And thanks for the compliment about my site.

Vicus Scurra said...

Look Kiwi, you are utterly and totally wrong. I am here half the time.
Get back to writing about your holidays in Rome. No one has ever done that before.
Mr Holledge is the internet voice of a major political party, as you should know, not as famous as Melissa, but it will do.
We have a fairly distinguished readership here, major political figures, a famous author, an ordained minister (where is broomhilda these days?) and a drunken pervert from Europe who is winner of blog awards.
That just leaves you and I, my antipodean sweetheart, to represent the talentless failures of this world. We should be banding together instead of bickering.

Mark Gamon said...

Crikey. I go away for the day, to see Fairport Convention Melissa Cropredy, and you lot all go berserk.

I'm going away again. The football season has started, and Chelsea are playing Wigan this afternoon. Bet you're delighted to hear that...

Anonymous said...

Don’t call me Kiwi you silly man, (goodness you know how to press buttons – did you have a sister? Or were you just bullied mercilessly at school?) yes, more Italian delights in store although I feel you may be joshing about no one writing about that before.

Simon: still No idea how important you are, will goggle now. Love the flowers though.

MarkG: HELP! OUT OF MY DEPTH!

Mark Gamon said...

Simon - a tactical error on Mourinho's part. Fortunately, he purchased an extra Italian to kick a last minute field goal. I'm having palpitations, and rather hoping they stay away from these nasty teams in the frozen North...

Mark Gamon said...

Mrs T - I'd offer to help, but I'm drowning faster than you...

Colin Davey said...

I used to have a short shrift, but it grew on me.

Mark Gamon said...

A typical oblique boggins moment. I think we should frame them...

Vicus Scurra said...

You are more than welcome, @.
My colleagues and I will do everything thmelissa we can to ensure your continumelissaation as the assistant to our favourite opposition MP.
Thmelissa's thmelissa, then.

zoe said...

it's all fun and games in here. i knew i was missing something whilst watching animals at kruger park.

you failed to give me an honourable mention, vicus.

i shall be having words.

Vicus Scurra said...

What's wrong with "drunken pervert"?
Much more polite than the references to you on your son's website.
Swanning in here at comment no.26 and think you own the bloody place?
And where is Watski?
When this thread started out, I was hoping to raise standards.

zoe said...

listen to me, ye olde man:

i have class, i have morals and above all, i have real breasts.

(and 3 maniac children and a boyfriend who is not fit for humanity).

Vicus Scurra said...

You may say that, Simon, but, as a gentleman, I could not possibly comment. Some might quibble with the 'ex' though.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Simon, that is exactly what I hoped for in terms of setting new standards.
Let's have more Rigoletto, and any other of the Juventus back four.

zoe said...

simon, i never was and never will be either an ex- or a girlfriend of vicus.

however, he does happen to be my mistress.

zoe said...

simon: in a Christmas Card.

shudder.

Vicus Scurra said...

Stop it, please, Zoe. It is the end of August already, and I haven't begun work on my Christmas Card.
You are making me anxious.

zoe said...

vicus, you'd better hurry up then. there again, you never were one to be on time ....

Vicus Scurra said...

You've never said that before (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
This from the woman whose christmas card arrived 18 months late.

zoe said...

always late and always the first to leave.

don't blame the belgian postal system on me now.