Monday, January 30, 2012

He only does it to annoy

I have just sent this email to Stanley Johnson, father of Boris.

Yo Stan!
I see that young Boris is in the newspapers today backing the right of parents to physically chastise their children.

Let me know if you need any help with that. I have lots of good ideas, but may need a couple of days notice to get into physical shape to carry them out.

Do you ever regret not having all of the paraphernalia of the Inquisition to hand when he was a lad?

love and peace

Thursday, January 26, 2012

And nothing in life shall sever the chain that is round us now

I was intrigued to see this headline on the BBC website:

“Lagging pupils 'don't catch up’”

I see that standards at the BBC are slipping if they allow such shoddy and ambiguous usage. I confess to being out of touch with modern practices in education, what with my having left school over forty years ago, and all the restraining orders.

There were some pretty bizarre ideas in those days, even in my progressive school. Some teachers thought that religious education was a sound idea, others that there was some merit in woodwork, other than providing a hobby for the socially challenged. To the best of my recollection, and I confess to having been partial to a spot of distraction now and then (mainly then, and I fear that I need hardly stress that the spot mentioned was not one of the smaller varieties of that genus), but I cannot remember anyone putting forward the idea that lagging pupils was a practice with any practical benefit. In my view it rather seems like the policy that would be proposed by a pervert. 

Rather the opposite seems to have been on the curriculum in my day. I remember the winter of 1963, struggling down the road through two feet of snow, and then waiting for 40 minutes or so for the ancient bus and its even more ancient driver to arrive and take us (unheated) round the byways of Leicestershire.

No-one ever showed much concern for us. Not even an offer to chip off the icicles hanging from our school blazers. Our school gym had a side missing, allowing snow, dog faeces and other obnoxious substances (PE teachers) to drift in and add to our discomfort. We lived in a bleak, colourless, dismal and ultimately draughty world and there was never any suggestion of insulating us.

I do not understand how wrapping children up could ever get to be a priority. Perhaps I am just being old fashioned. Free them, I say, let them experience the joy of the wind blowing through their hair, the sun shining on bronzed arms and legs, as they scamper unhampered through their youths before the grim realisation that their futures have been shaped by Wackford Gove hits them.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

No wasps allowed

I thought I would share with you this recent exchange of emails. I had not previously heard of or from the sender.
I will let you know if my correspondence with the gentleman who thinks that I am a fan of the St Louis Rams takes a turn for the interesting.

Hi Everyone,
Hope you're all having good weeks! Its about to get even better.... Please come for dinner around 7:30 on sat night. Oh and if you could text Adam or me when you arrive rather than buzzing, that would be great. Wild!!

I'll be there!
Who are you?
I don't use text - I'll just stand out in the street and scream if that is OK.
Who are you?

Is this a haiku??

Pls not to ask complicated questions, I am still trying to work out why I have been invited.
What are your expectations?

I'm so sorry! I had the wrong email address for my friend! Please ignore!

Oh, so I am not invited now, huh? This is because of the screaming in the street thing, isn't it?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

I am obliged to my friends at the Torygraph for this story, which highlights what we all suspected, and many of us gave up on these 50 years.

So, in order to avoid accusations of misogyny, I have been using my extensive contact network to collect funding for BERN (British/European Research into Nookie) and am pleased to announce the construction of a 44 kilometre (that’s about 200 yards, right?) underground at Kidderminster, where nubile young naked people (this is not that disgusting dream you were telling me about is it? Ed.) will be fired at each other at high speed, in order to prove, once and for all, the existence of the elusive Grafenberg Spot.

For many years there have been two distinctive theories about its existence. Once this dilemma has been resolved, we will have a more complete understanding of the nature of human sexuality, and although I am not prepared to compromise empirical integrity by favouring one outcome, I must declare my hope that there is a successful outcome, and that women can begin to enjoy sex. I have little sympathy with the other camp (known as the “Who gives a shit?” group).

The Grafenberg Spot is named after Ernst Spot, who purportedly stumbled across it while looking for his keys.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Biopolymer nanocomposite? Come again?

I am delighted to learn this morning that not all scientific research is based upon the lunatic ideas of a few eccentric physics graduates. It is far too easy to mock the progress that our cerebral cousins are making, and far too easy to forget the improvement in the quality of life that this brings.

Scientists in Taiwan and Germany have found a cheaper and more effective material than silicon as the most important ingredient in the manufacture of computer chips.

What, I hear you exclaim, is this new and exciting material? Well, it is very simple, and I am frankly surprised that no one has thought of it before. It is a mixture of salmon sperm and silver. Of course.

By chance, someone was sexually  exciting a salmon over a five pence piece and suddenly noticed its ability to conduct. Let that be a lesson to all of the cynics out there.

Scientists say that because of the availability of salmon sperm (you will have seen the fish spunk aisle in Tesco) and its ability to grow fast, it is an ideal material.

Please feel free to do your own experiments (boys only, alas). If your computer is underperforming, try tossing one off onto a Kit-Kat wrapper, and stick it into the appropriate slot on your motherboard (yes, it is beginning to sound a bit dirty now, isn’t it?) and your CPU will be boosted.

I am off now to continue my experiments to find an alternative to fossil fuels for the world’s energy source. Anyone have any spare yak bile and a torque wrench?

** points will be deducted for puns on the word "conduct".

*** and no fish puns

Wednesday, January 04, 2012


Over at the Torygraph there is a review of a programme on the electric television about George V and queen Mary. I did not see it. Just to clarify. I did not see the programme, I did see the television, and I did see the review; I hope that this helps.

The comment section of the Torygraph is a very good place to practise your hobby, if your hobby is bigot-riling. They bite very easily. I am not the only practitioner. There must be lots of people around with nothing better to do. Nothing better to do is a very good way of spending your life, given our short span on the planet, and the limited life of the planet in relation to the age of the universe.

The accepted view of George is that he was dim. Those of you who have been astounded by the intellectual prowess of his descendants will find this hard to comprehend.

One of the commenters suggested that we dispense with our royal family. Of course, this caused a Mr Cross of Tunbridge Wells to reply, in the time honoured manner of Torygraph readers “And replace them with what?”

I joined in the debate, partly, I confess, to see if I could burst any Kentish blood vessels, by suggesting we replace them with nothing.

Let’s do without a head of state. Save all of the expense and nonsense that goes with it. I would happily forgo the pleasure of a public holiday every 25 years or so when one of the hangers-on gets married. What a fine example of common sense this would set to the rest of the world.

I did offer my services at the weekends (‘unless there was summat good on the telly’), but I did not mean it. I have no intention of wasting time chatting to the vacuous.