tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-102725872024-03-12T04:51:25.269+00:00Kaliyuga KroniclesTedious, ungrammatical, unoriginal and tasteless crap from someone old enough to know better.Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.comBlogger836125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-67170464206076938772024-02-22T20:37:00.000+00:002024-02-22T20:37:34.995+00:00Call to arms<p><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">Regular readers of this page (Do you really think anyone
bothers? Ed.) will remember how delighted I was with the Brexit referendum.
Overnight we freed ourselves of foreign dabbling in our affairs and reaffirmed
our indisputable sovereignty. Hail to the house of Windsor!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">
<br />
There were those whingers who liked to bang on about a failing economy, people
resorting to food banks, soaring costs of food, being ridiculed by the rest of
the world, creating massive divisions in our society, and isolating ourselves
from our neighbours. “So what!” I said, now we can get rid of those nasty plum
coloured passports. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">Now, alas, I am forced to admit that I was mistaken. I am
stilling shaking with the decision that has been forced on my friends at
Meridian Foods to discontinue the production of their organic, sugar-free fruit
spreads. As I speed further into my dotage (have you sped into your dotage, missus?)
I will have to do so without what has been a key part of my morning repast
these 30 years. True, I still have my tahini and marmite on my home baked
bread, but they will appear increasingly forlorn without the cheery
accompaniment of morello cherry spread on the other half of the plate. I am not
one to resort to trauma easily, and I took it stoically when they stopped make
their plum spread (avoid the plural, Ed.) some time ago, but now the whole range
has ceased to be. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">Farage and his knuckle-dragging friends will get no further
support from me! You can destroy the NHS and take education back to the
Victorian era and I will consider it a fair price to pay for our freedom, but
when you mess with my breakfast you have begun something the conclusion of
which will be very unpleasant for you. <br />
<br />
As A A Milne might have put it:<br />
The Twat asked<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">The Receptionist, and <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">The Receptionist asked<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">The Spokesperson, <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">“Could we have some organic sugar-free wild blueberry spread
for<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">The moron’s slice of bread” (Toast in this case, Ed.)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">The Receptionist asked the Spokesperson, <br />
The Spokesperson<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">Said “Not likely, mate, we can’t afford it, blame the Tories”.
*<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;"> </span></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">Who’s up for a game of insurrection? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;"> </span></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #791eb1; font-family: verdana;">*May have been my interpretation</span><o:p></o:p></p>Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-55360422235910336722023-05-06T15:24:00.000+01:002023-05-06T15:24:07.703+01:00In case you missed it.<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEikxillcSRkrprUtLca4OVD0Lxifr5bhpb02-QKvqDfNPBMHtXjdf5pSpSr7uWtQ163G_OOBCmHP2Hnkd3hgw4qq_T-7jh8zzLs1zMXQ7w6vE-S3-loO1N4ftoHn7pe_zUMGIG6ESqUw-He1Vb8TDyXX_j_XtUMGq1_TSCEXSbzRQusirERYWk" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="496" data-original-width="659" height="438" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEikxillcSRkrprUtLca4OVD0Lxifr5bhpb02-QKvqDfNPBMHtXjdf5pSpSr7uWtQ163G_OOBCmHP2Hnkd3hgw4qq_T-7jh8zzLs1zMXQ7w6vE-S3-loO1N4ftoHn7pe_zUMGIG6ESqUw-He1Vb8TDyXX_j_XtUMGq1_TSCEXSbzRQusirERYWk=w582-h438" width="582" /></a></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj_9a3yA44VyQhrlApjVa_QvXa0ilDGfMWl4XfjCESRN-dcosJbkk5pTxGqkuRd8Hge9KAiv0Qs7TsIkua3kcTKdHSYWe6Tj5x5CxfBUAE1l8n0a_MxoXwxoBz1qACWx3ymEf_-TbBi5OUYa2Wd2CCZLA6YowjYUdsENvIMp3FijG2T5f5bizM" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="698" data-original-width="665" height="590" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj_9a3yA44VyQhrlApjVa_QvXa0ilDGfMWl4XfjCESRN-dcosJbkk5pTxGqkuRd8Hge9KAiv0Qs7TsIkua3kcTKdHSYWe6Tj5x5CxfBUAE1l8n0a_MxoXwxoBz1qACWx3ymEf_-TbBi5OUYa2Wd2CCZLA6YowjYUdsENvIMp3FijG2T5f5bizM=w563-h590" width="563" /></a></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjiYRKS74pzWFAWyzdNUPLyKWf5EHV7AcfZpM0v7bPw80HR-4S4mUljHTd02Pg8NDcGxbnkbRIeVNrVeHn00FIfCGKr2cAt7jSlXV4XNnRgMUC4b60eU6gbPv7z5rUGgxZHe7DMPDa1D7YfYbbwN5gFkqDb0mKcRab3lfD9kUkQPzlzo4VetmY" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="533" data-original-width="676" height="435" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjiYRKS74pzWFAWyzdNUPLyKWf5EHV7AcfZpM0v7bPw80HR-4S4mUljHTd02Pg8NDcGxbnkbRIeVNrVeHn00FIfCGKr2cAt7jSlXV4XNnRgMUC4b60eU6gbPv7z5rUGgxZHe7DMPDa1D7YfYbbwN5gFkqDb0mKcRab3lfD9kUkQPzlzo4VetmY=w552-h435" width="552" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p>Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-47645145450779171482020-12-09T12:21:00.000+00:002020-12-09T12:21:30.242+00:00Public service initiative<p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have written to the chief executive of
Sainsbury’s. There is no need to thank me.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dear Simon<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am hoping that this matter will not intrude
greatly on your daily routine – I am aware that those shelves don’t stack
themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am communicating on behalf of LEICESTER (Local
Easily Irritated Citizens [Especially Susceptible to Ear-aching Rubbish])
having spent a less than enjoyable perambulation round the aisles of your local
establishment this very morning. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You will recall your excellent initiative at
the beginning of lockdown whereby the elderly and infirm were allocated times
when they alone could conduct their shopping activities. I was able to take advantage
of that and appreciated your kindness. It is true that concentrating the bewildered
and gormless into a fixed time period could have led to issues – more than the
average number of customers blankly staring at the shelves for no apparent
reason while their trolley blocked the lanes, and the meaningless meandering at
a pace redolent of the chubby, asthmatic boy in the egg and spoon race to cite
two examples – but I was able to zip round the store, and between March and May
I only ran over 3 old ladies, all of whom apologised profusely. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Anyway, as I abhor circumlocutory verbosity,
I will come to the main reason for this missive, which comes in the form of a request.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />Would it be possible to set aside one or two periods each week for the remainder
of this month when those not wishing to be assailed by the cacophony of what is
politely described as Christmas music, could conduct their purchasing pursuits?
All you would have to do is to press the off switch. I appreciate that you
might see this request as simplistic, but I have given some thought to the
issues arising and would be prepared to sign a waiver. I am cognisant of the
health and safety matters resulting from the gathering together of those likely
to take advantage of this scheme. Without the “music” (I wonder what Haydn
would have called it?) then the sounds of sundry villagers whose disposition might
range from mildly nervous to downright grumpy, all tutting, sighing and grumbling
might be discomforting for your staff – you may even have to go as far as hiring
extra security guards. But, on the whole I think that if you can ride this
storm all of your colleagues will benefit from having overcome the challenge
and standards will improve. Indeed, I might be inclined to spend more time, and
in consequence money, <i>chez vous</i> if it meant not having to listen to some
hackneyed jeremiad or the wailings of a third-rate quasi-musical ensemble. <br />
<br />
Anyway, my dear old cabbage, give it some thought – but time is running out. I
know that you may have other pressing matters to attend to – the issue of your
failing to stock wholemeal hot cross buns any longer, and why they were only ever
available between New Year and Easter while the other stodgier varieties were and
are in abundance throughout the year, for example – but I am sure it will
gladden your heart to see me skipping gaily up your produce aisle should you be
able to satisfy my plea. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Love and peace<o:p></o:p></span></p><br /><p></p>Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-14380673790060490012020-08-04T08:41:00.000+01:002020-08-04T08:41:06.611+01:00Evidence of further poor planning by those in charge<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="70t2k-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="70t2k-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="70t2k-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">The BBC carries an article (tl;dr) entitled "Katie Mack: 'Knowing how the universe will end is freeing'"</font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="aqrhm-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="aqrhm-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="aqrhm-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br data-text="true" /></font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="56er4-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="56er4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="56er4-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">The essence of it is that no-one knows how and when the universe will end, but posits that it would be a good thing if we did know. </font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="e90n7-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="e90n7-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="e90n7-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br data-text="true" /></font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="6p7ud-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6p7ud-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="6p7ud-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">What it fails to address are the really important issues such as:</font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="986rq-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="986rq-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="986rq-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br data-text="true" /></font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="6hfqn-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6hfqn-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="6hfqn-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">1) If the universe ends during an Ashes series, how will it be decided which country should be considered the winner. Does the Duckworth Lewis calculation extend to include the end of existence? </font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="fqnjj-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fqnjj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="fqnjj-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br /></font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fqnjj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="fqnjj-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">2) What happens to unredeemed Nectar points? </font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="ctg3o-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="ctg3o-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="ctg3o-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br /></font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="ctg3o-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="ctg3o-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">3) Is insurance for white goods covered by this event?</font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="mnb-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="mnb-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="mnb-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br /></font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="mnb-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="mnb-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">4) If the Hindus have got it right - I have no reason to doubt them, other than the anecdotal evidence of knowing some who are very dodgy indeed - then the universe will be created the next day by Brahma. Will we be afforded accommodation while all this nonsense is going on? I have no objection to a temporary sojourn in a cosmic Premier Inn, provided that there is ample vegetarian/vegan food and that I don't have some noisy buggers in the room above (bloody Hindus celebrating the new Day of Brahma most likely).</font></span></div></div><div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="arog4" data-offset-key="a6au4-0-0" style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a6au4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a6au4-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana"><br /></font></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a6au4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a6au4-0-0"><font color="#38761d" face="verdana">5) If we are still in lockdown, will there be some warning, so that I don't have to bother to get up early on the Wednesday of that week to go shopping in Sainsbury's with all of the other doddery old twats? </font></span></div></div>Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-78051357076068826262020-04-28T10:44:00.000+01:002020-04-28T10:44:50.915+01:00Mr Creosote<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was advised yesterday by cousin Mary to
enjoy my birthday “without indulging in too much cake”. I replied ‘Please
explain to me the concept of "too much cake", I admit to never having
been a student of philosophy.’ </span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">She kindly replied ‘it might be more accurate to
speak of physiology rather than philosophy in this instance! When your
shirt-buttons start popping and you feel you may be "bursting at the
seams", you have certainly had "too much cake"’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was grateful for the reply but, alas, it
did not satisfy me. The symptoms she described were, in my view, evidence of
clothing of the wrong size or an inadequate metabolism. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Most of us are unable to devote much time
to deep reflection on the essence of existence, being more driven to
concentrate on those activities essential to survival – foraging for
sustenance, getting the required daily 11 hours sleep, correcting errors on
twitter and watching “Only Connect”. However, the current suspension of test
cricket, the IPL and Super Rugby allows me a few moments of reflection. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">On a similar theme to the cake conundrum
above, I confess to being troubled by the simplistic “glass half full/half
empty” explanation of the difference between optimists and pessimists (I have
always favoured the third option, that of engineering, which posits the case
that the glass is the wrong size).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Facts
of which we are not informed include the size, location and contents of the
receptacle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If one were thirsty and the
glass was to hand and contained some nourishing, thirst-quenching substance,
then it might be safe to say that the position of seeing the glass half full
was an optimistic one. Alternatively, if the glass contained a highly
radioactive substance then the size of the glass and its proximity would be
factors in determining degrees of optimism/pessimism. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is not in my nature to bemoan the
shortcomings of this creation. I am sure that the next upgrade, or version 2,
will eliminate sweet potatoes, capitalism, carrot cake, reality tv,
misanthropy, the cult of celebrity, racism and Ikea. We should not be too hard
on God for his oversights, particularly if she only had seven days to complete
the task. (This of course raises the troubling question of who it was who was
powerful enough to set ridiculous deadlines that constrained an omnipotent
being – Mary, see what your edict has unearthed?) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I hope that this helps.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br /><br />
<br />
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-88607003719602511182020-01-09T20:00:00.000+00:002020-01-09T21:02:07.274+00:00Darwin Award<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have been inundated with a letter, from a
Mrs Virgin Australia of New South Wales and been forced to reply.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dear Virgin Australia (winner of the
oxymoron of the year competition 2016)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was more than a little perturbed to find,
upon opening my online calendar yesterday, that you have booked me on a flight
from Newcastle (NSW) to Darwin via Brisbane on February 7<sup>th</sup> (your
time). It is unclear how you see me travelling to Newcastle – the journey
involves 22 hours of flying and 8 hours of waiting at airports at a cost of over
£8000 first class. I have no idea what attractions Darwin holds that would make
this time and expenditure worthwhile. I have never been to either Darwin or
Newcastle and have only a passing knowledge of Brisbane which I found to be
adequately pleasant in a truly unremarkable way. I have a very good friend who
lives there. I have not been to Newcastle upon Tyne either. I have been to Newcastle
under Lyme, which is just down the road from Talke Pits, home of the famous
Development Company, very much the Bloomsbury Group of the early 1970s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I note that there is a ward in Darwin
called Fannie Bay. I should alert you to the information that I am far too
seasoned and sensible to be allured by cheap inuendo. I can find little in the
way of entertainment or culture in that time period, not even the Breast Feeding
Education Class at the Palmerston Recreation Centre on the 15<sup>th</sup> has
any appeal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I can only conclude that someone has given
you my email address in error. I am now concerned that just as his itinerary
appeared in my diary so mine might appear in his. While I am sanguine about the
prospect of his taking my place at either of both of my dental and urologist
appointments (tell him not to get the two confused) I don’t want him pinching
my tickets for Stewart Lee at the De Montfort Hall. Please do your best to
contact him and whereas I would offer a warm Pom welcome should he appear on my
doorstep, I do not want him messing with my busy social calendar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Love and peace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-90626356603465981722020-01-08T22:47:00.000+00:002020-01-08T22:47:53.047+00:00He shall have a square 'un<br />
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<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am tickled pink to hear from Aaron who
says:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Patient Visitation Group</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #006600; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“</span><span style="color: #006600; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Dear
Brothers,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">We are looking to update you on 3
areas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #006600; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The concept of having a team so that when you
are covered up with “matters” you can let others know that the hospitals
are covered. This requires the Chaplin to be in communication with the
team as well as the team being in communication with each member. This
approach has worked very well in the areas that have been implemented. As
you may be aware, there are multiple brothers currently assigned to each
hospital. If you find that the brothers you are partnered with is unable
to assist you, please notify me and let’s work on getting your team(s)
built.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #006600; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">We are sending you a template(s) for business
cards. We would like you to personalize it and get it printed
professionally so that you will have a card to use at the hospitals.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #006600; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">If you do not have the link to the Google docs
reporting tool it; it is as follows (link below). If you need training or
having difficulty accessing the link, please let me know.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 36.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">We have had many good experiences and developments with the PVG work and
have received commendations from HLC for the work done. In particular, the
brothers feel the love and we make Jehovah’s heart happy when we visit them.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I have
replied thus:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Hello
Aaron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I trust
that you have recovered from your somewhat prolonged journey across the desert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not a theologian, and when the good book
describes you as a “high priest” I hope that they mean exalted rather than
under the influence of some narcotic. I have no issue with what folk do in the
privacy of their own space, but feel compelled to express reservations about
their suitability for the clergy. I recall the incident when dear old Loopy
Longfellow applied for the position of Patriarch of the Assyrian Church of the
East, but failed the written exam because he tried to inhale the ink. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I deduce
from your message (it isn’t entirely clear) that you propose to spread your
message among the sick and infirm. I am sure that you are sincere in your
objectives, but have you paused to consider the feelings of your visitees?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Were I to be lying abed just having had 28%
of my giblets extracted or some appendage removed or been treated for galloping
lurgy with wire-brush and Dettol, I suspect that the prospect of being targeted
by a proselytiser, no matter how alluring, would be unlikely to stir feelings
of a cordial nature. Indeed, I might be obliged to comment that the prospect of
eternal damnation with which they were threatening me would be preferable to my
current situation and state of well-being. Neither is the less-than-welcoming response
limited to those sick of the palsy. The last time a member of your church called
at my house they proffered a tract entitled “How do you view the future?”. “How
do you view the future?” she asked. “Without tracts” was my brief but entirely veracious
response, with which I closed the door. If folk do come bothering me when Rohit
Sharma is on 84 then they should not have any expectations of lengthy
conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">In
short, I am not sure why you have tried to enlist my support.<br />
<br />
I should add that I have turned down similar invitations from Mephistopheles
who promised me dominion over the Earth. I told him to bugger off (I have retired
and the last thing I need is more responsibility; I still have over 100 unread
books on my Kindle). I believe this proves that I am an equal opportunities misanthrope.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I am not
sure who HLC are. I immediately though of Harrogate Ladies’ College, naturally,
but cannot see any reason for that fine body of youthful femininity to be
impressed – they are non-denominational. Perhaps you may mean the village of
Holton-le-Clay – just up the road from me in Lincolnshire. I should warn you
that Lincolnshire is not the place to go for excitement, and its inhabitants
are easily impressed. <br />
<br />
Anyway, Aaron, old pomegranate, it was kind of you to think of me, and I reciprocate
the warmth. Or perhaps you have the wrong email address?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Love and
peace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-27030330913325533672019-04-11T11:47:00.000+01:002019-04-11T11:47:31.167+01:00Please read the terms and conditions<br />
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I confess to bearing Luddite tendencies
when it comes to cellular telephones. It is a technological phenomenon that has
washed over me leaving no debris in its wake. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have a mobile telephone. I use it, on
average, once a month to make a telephone call. I seldom send a text message.
Most of the time it is switched off. I prefer to see where I am going when out
and about, increasingly important these days when you are constantly the
subject of intrusive physical contact by those too busy texting Gary telling
him what Sarah Louise has just texted to look where they are going. <br />
<br />
I know that there are all sorts of uses for these devices. I have only dabbled
at the rim of the ocean of exciting possibilities and suspect that the
occasional dipping of the metaphorical toes therein will suffice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was bemused, however, by this headline on
the BBC news website:<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“I delivered a baby over the phone”<br />
</i><br />
I am very concerned about this for a variety of reasons. I chose not to read
the article lest I became more alarmed. I have never been one to let ignorance
of the facts deter my forming an opinion, I believe, indeed, that it is one of
the criteria to which you are compelled to agree when signing up for internet
access. <br />
<br />
Was the baby downloaded from the cloud? If so I shall be considerably more
circumspect in my use of the device if that is the case. I have no wish to
press an icon that I assumed was a link to an app that updated me with the plot
synopsis of the last 8 years of “Homes under the Hammer” only to find myself in
possession of a newly born human. Does the technology only work with infants?
Imagine your surprise to find that while you had been intending to check your
email you had inadvertently beamed Gyles Brandreth down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Even more alarming, mainly from the point
of view of the baby, is the prospect of delivery by landline. One can only
assume that the expulsion from the womb is a traumatic enough event without it
concluding with a tortuous journeys down very thin cable via a junction box in
Cirencester. <br />
<br />
Don’t ask me, I can barely comprehend the mechanics of a propelling pencil. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br /><br />
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-23816080376985232612019-02-14T16:57:00.000+00:002019-02-14T16:57:18.059+00:00Many happy returns<br />
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">An email from a young lady called Gwen, a
young lady I have never met nor communicated with before, asking me whether I
had a good birthday has prompted me to record some memorable birthday
occasions. I do this in order to save the rest of the world from having to
enquire – I trusted that your curiosity will be sated by a few of these
recollections. Whether they are good is not a straightforward matter – opinions
change over the years and it is perhaps better to eschew judgement on events
that may have been seen differently by some of the participants. <br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Allow me to begin (Allow? Ed. Who tf is going
to stop you) by describing the year that my birthday was spent on the Orient
Express. Some friends had decided that it would be fun. I did not entirely
share their sanguinity but as I had declined invitations for excursions of the
same nature I felt it appropriate to join in with this one. (My cynicism was
grounded in evidence, I may, should time allow, describe at some point several
of the vicissitudes experienced by my social circle). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />It was decided that Bucharest would be our
destination – again, not my choice. I am no real fan of rail travel, and London
to Bucharest takes almost as long as the 14:42 service between Waterloo and
Alton.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />Although we set off with optimism and
expectation, our spirits were somewhat dampened when it transpired that, due to
a booking glitch, Tubby Mountjoy would have to share a sleeping compartment
with Lord Hailsham.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need hardly say
that Hailsham was not one of our party – we had renounced the practice of
consorting with senior politicians ever since the fiasco with Duncan Sandys –
he simply had chosen to travel at the same time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />Tubby complained bitterly about Quintin’s
appalling flatulence. We did not take it very seriously and thought that Tubby
was exaggerating, but were forced to concede that the claims bore some veracity
when a particularly alarming emission set off the smoke alarm and we had to
spend several hours in the waiting room of a somewhat squalid station waiting
room a few miles east of Zurich while the train was fumigated and the equipment
repaired. On the bright side, Tubby was happier because the staff insisted on
moving his Lordship. They set him up with a mattress in the luggage compartment
at the rear of the train, and insisted that the rear door be left ajar in order
to improve the air flow. Someone, can’t remember who, postulated that this
would propel the train forward at a faster rate and thereby make up for lost
time, but I am an agnostic when it comes to the laws of physics. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" />
</span>
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<br />Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-75243511043680313452018-05-14T08:20:00.000+01:002018-05-14T08:20:05.314+01:00Countdown to another Royal Divorce part 1.<br />
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It behoves me to assist those readers of a
foreign persuasion, and also those a little slow on the uptake (that just about
covers every bugger, Ed.) to explain the contents of the document whose image
is currently circulating on the electric internet concerning the forthcoming
shitfest in the UK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">For most of us, when informed about, and
invited to, a wedding, a simple “Fuck off, I will be busy watching television”
is an adequate and concise response, but dear old Lizzie Saxe-Coburg-Gotha –
one of the few people old enough to remember how to use Microsoft Paint – has to
make a song and dance about it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I shall endeavour to explain some of the
quaint terms and usages:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“ElizabethR”: The R stands for “Richards”.
This is a throwback to the happy days she spent playing the part of Mrs Richards
in Fawlty Towers. Even now, she affects to be deaf, if only to irritate
the shit out of Phil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Our other Realms and Territories”: These days,
the Scilly Isles and Lindisfarne (when the tide is out).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“To all to whom these Presents shall come”:
‘Oi! You lot’, would be more concise and easier to comprehend. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are no presents. Young Hal will be lucky
if she slips him a fiver on the day, her parsimony being the stuff of legend. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The Great Seal:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi3h_K83SDOuEocU6Sw3vKXDZc62A5DkOy9xFxmCbsy5MxCbu9rDvUXQ4p7lqrWgQYruzwbtbiuALzojlfgT3s-bUD21oN6W9k_IrN8U_NEMBmAk35pqbzAzxybGUVbaoIanvJTQ/s1600/Seal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: medium; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="330" data-original-width="570" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi3h_K83SDOuEocU6Sw3vKXDZc62A5DkOy9xFxmCbsy5MxCbu9rDvUXQ4p7lqrWgQYruzwbtbiuALzojlfgT3s-bUD21oN6W9k_IrN8U_NEMBmAk35pqbzAzxybGUVbaoIanvJTQ/s400/Seal.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
(come on, some readers expect this sort of thing).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Privy Council:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgebb0vyAnEuE6l4yyN9hyphenhyphenqHJrh4zWG5GOAvltr6ztu6h6ZvcKL1IuEhHDDCkUY6PhHNuTOcjZx__6-uS6BY3F2601y9jaAcAuJlXYG4J6P-tkwx-gH3egVcwZi647F1O6_S_7Meg/s1600/privy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: medium; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgebb0vyAnEuE6l4yyN9hyphenhyphenqHJrh4zWG5GOAvltr6ztu6h6ZvcKL1IuEhHDDCkUY6PhHNuTOcjZx__6-uS6BY3F2601y9jaAcAuJlXYG4J6P-tkwx-gH3egVcwZi647F1O6_S_7Meg/s400/privy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">(That’s enough catering for the lowest
common denominator, Ed.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Know Ye that We”: She refers to herself as
more than one person. You will have to consult a Freudian about that, beats the
shit out of me. As for the Know Ye bit, let’s just call it rhetoric, out of
kindness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Our Most Dearly Beloved Grandson”: she can’t
abide the other fuckers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Great Seal:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFdIZMwQeHK5hcUyy2-XImJt-UlbObEGv9BurrmnOWoCtapa7rB4VMirT-hyF26U-CekO4oCd_WYEEzOqpviN25JOVbNgI9a7Enq5L2zMpFsPFb5fvx5IIgUQqmxgpqTQkVVoIPA/s1600/Seal2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="193" data-original-width="261" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFdIZMwQeHK5hcUyy2-XImJt-UlbObEGv9BurrmnOWoCtapa7rB4VMirT-hyF26U-CekO4oCd_WYEEzOqpviN25JOVbNgI9a7Enq5L2zMpFsPFb5fvx5IIgUQqmxgpqTQkVVoIPA/s400/Seal2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">(This time for the younger readers)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Signed with her own hand”: She keeps the
hands of several people who have got on the wrong side of her, in a drawer in
her living room. When she uses one of those hands to sign, then the writing
becomes even less comprehensible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #9900cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I will not go into all of the dialogue that
has beset me these last few months about declining my invitation. Suffice it so
say that I was not influenced by the prospect of having to sit immediately
behind Anne Laurence and her legendary flatulence, as has been reported in some
of the media. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-62180304887943391212018-02-24T05:19:00.000+00:002018-02-24T05:19:43.968+00:00Victory for common sense<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It will not surprise you to know that I fully
support the proposal of Mr Trump to train the teaching profession in the use of
ordnance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I adopt this position on the basis of
experience and watching how effective it was during my schooldays. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I cannot imagine that Dr Adey would have been
so successful in instilling respect for Chaucer’s popularisation of the
vernacular had he not reinforced his thesis with his trademark P938.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Miss Stones, later Mrs Lewis, was famous for
her enquiry about the number of Commandments – “Are there nine commandments or
are there ten? Ask yourself one question – do I feel lucky?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Who can forget the day that “Butch” Robinson
and “Sundance” Hargreaves Minor came a cropper when they tried to sneak out
before the bell had gone and were met with the combined fire power of the staff
of the biology department?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I doubt whether many of us would have
understood the birth of the Romantic movement in symphonic music had Mr Newby
not kept time with Mendelssohn’s Reformation symphony by shooting the score
onto the blackboard with his famous Smith and Wesson. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">None of us would have mastered the declension
of German verbs had not Herr Clarke and Herr Still been mounted in gun towers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">As for Barry Batterham’s replacement of the
starter pistol on Sports Day with an AK47, what can one say? Seldom have the
competitors in the 880 yards felt so motivated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Happy days indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-62031252525022788802017-12-19T06:39:00.000+00:002017-12-19T06:39:47.744+00:00Filth<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The Torygraph reports:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">"France declares Marquis de
Sade's ... 120 Days of Sodom 'national treasure' hours before auction"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Another example of the cultural ties
we will lose when we leave the European Union. Scholars should note that this
fine description of life in an English public school was written 26 years
before the similarly themed "Sense and Sensibility". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I have not read Monsieur de Sade’s
works, but believe that he foretold the coming of the current First Lord of the
Treasury by naming one of the characters “Thérèse</span>”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Some would argue that the gratuitous
violence in “Three Men in a Boat” makes it more enjoyable than that soppy farce
“The Three Musketeers” which it plagiarises, but the joyous frolics in the latter capture the spirit
of those merry japesters, the French aristocracy. (You haven’t read that one
either, have you? Ed.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">It is alarming that so much of the
great British literature which we are encouraged to venerate while we are at
school is simply a poorer reworking of sublime French works of art. Who can
deny that the coming of age novels in the Harry Potter series are inspired by “À
la Recherche du Temps Perdu”? Bridget Jones is clearly based on Madame Bovary,
and only the most uneducated could fail to see that “Wuthering Heights” is an almost literal translation of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Let me be among the first to
congratulate the French government on moving to protect its national works of
art and manuscripts. I shall later be writing to the cabinet to ask that the
works of Jeffrey Archer be kept in the UK and only used as a deterrent in the
event of a nuclear holocaust. Perhaps some of my transatlantic friends could
join me in ensuring that the works of Dan Brown are also kept in maximum
security.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-54789240574165550152017-10-03T23:30:00.000+01:002017-10-03T23:30:55.061+01:00Another helpful discourse on the nature of existence.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">I am delighted to read that this year’s Nobel Physics prize has
been awarded to three gentleman who have detected ripples in space time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">It is hard to explain just how much this means to me, as unlike the
apparatus that was used to detect the aforementioned ripple, no mechanism has
been invented to measure such refined units of meaning. Of course, much of this
has passed me by; the last time I was in a physics lab the most sophisticated
instrument was the micrometer screw gauge. I will pause while you make your own
facile (witty, shurely? Ed.) remarks about screwing and measuring very small
things. Finished? Good. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">This is all to do with (excuse me if I am being simplistic) the
ability of very large objects moving at speed being able to slow down or speed
up time. By large objects what is meant is black holes. (All the while I am
writing this I am reminded of a particularly humorous comment made by a
colleague about an event germane to this thread, but as the subject of that
comment may one day read this I am obliged to simply apologise for being
distracted). When they collide they produce ripples. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">Now, call me picky, but if I refer again to the last time I was in
a physics lab, it was in the company of some of the least able pedagogues ever
to exist. What they could do, however, despite their lack of mass was to make
time slow down. I once spent 263 hours in double physics one Monday morning. Mr
S* was a short dapper man with an admirable beard who could monotonise for
Europe. The other Mr S* was a slim, sardonic creep who kept the spirit of
Torquemada alive, despite being much less funny. Mr M* was a dishevelled loon
who also taught RE, I suspect in an attempt to persuade a benevolent deity to
instil a sense of interest in his pupils. So please don’t come round here telling me that
they’ve only just detected these phenomena. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #548235; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #548235; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: lumm=75000; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent6; mso-themecolor: accent6; mso-themeshade: 191;">Yellow cards will be shown to anyone trying to make jokes about
raspberries or nipples. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-83801052497902618622017-09-30T23:17:00.000+01:002017-09-30T23:17:05.081+01:00Grass on your neighbours (geddit?)<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is reassuring to know that, in these
times of change, we can always rely upon the traditional sources of
information. In this fine city we have the “Leicester Mercury” a veritable Fort
Knox of valuable data. As every schoolboy knows, Mercury was the messenger of
the gods and also god of commerce. Capitalist twat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Anyway, this fine organ is a constant
source of useful information. Today there is some splendid stuff in an essay
entitled “How to spot if you have a cannabis farm next door: Nine signs you
should look out for”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I would have preferred if they had written
“Nine signs for which you should look out”, but purists might say that it
should be “Nine signs, out for which you should look”. It’s a funny old world
isn’t it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I won’t reprint the whole article, but
these sections I found particularly useful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Cannabis growing equipment transported to and from the house”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I suppose that that one is a bit of a
give-away. I shall quiz the postal services and delivery drivers about what
they have been moving. I am not
knowledgeable about these matters so I asked my dear friends Theodore and
Evadne Google about this. Rather than telephone them this late at night I used
their website (are you familiar with it – it has been a closely guarded secret
– we don’t want everyone being able to learn things on their own, do we, to
where would that lead???). The first item that came up was an “Elite Optima
Plus Side Filing Cabinet”. I will see if any of my neighbours owns such an item
by discreet enquiry. Do any of your acquaintances possess expensive office
equipment? If they do then they may well be a drug-crazed hippy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Heat, birds on the roof, and a lack of snow”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Bugger! Everyone on the estate must be a
junkie. No signs of snow and quite warm (I haven’t been out wearing a cardigan
for several weeks). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“9. Unsociable comings and goings.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Are there lots of unfamiliar faces turning up at the house at
any time of the day and night? It could just be a popular family, but maybe
it's something more sinister.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #873ac0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It must be me! I had a very funny bugger
from Crewe turn up the other week. Just off to hand myself in at the local
nick. Anyone got Caroline Coon’s telephone number?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-59966898344129971012017-09-25T00:06:00.000+01:002017-09-25T00:06:00.407+01:00Those who cannot learn from history are probably watching the BBC<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Having just recovered from the dreadful
episode with the tedious Lucy Worsley, I dived recklessly into another attempt
by those nice folk at the BBC to clarify historical events. I am sorry to say
that this version was hardly an improvement on the previous disaster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This time, via the medium of the electric
television, I watched a program called “Henry VII : The Winter King”. It was
presented by a chap called Thomas Penn, who, while not quite so irritating as
Loopy Lucy, has probably emptied a few rooms and lecture theatres in his time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Whoever is in charge of commissioning these
historical documentaries at the Beeb, seems to be constricted by bizarre
concepts of what said programs should contain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">For the most part, there is no film archive
of anything more than about 100 years old. This is the fault of our ancestors
who were so chronically stupid that they did not have the gumption to invent
digital video cameras. (In my view, this is a much less serious oversight than
the egregious criminality of not preserving “Not Only .. But Also” film
archives but that is not the main thrust of this little essay.) Therefore,
programs on this subject have to find something with which to fill the screen. Further, there seems to be a severe budgetary
limit (good news for those of us who pay a licence fee and would object to
financing 15,000 or so actors to realistically re-enact the Battle of Bosworth
Field, for example) on what can be covered. To fill this vast void we have
various shots of the presenter in several incongruous locations, some of which
are without explanation and few of which add anything to the substance of the
story, walking about staring vaguely at things that are not shown on camera.
Lucy Worsley is an expert at this, and Thomas Penn has obviously been on the
same course, but has not attended the Silly Walk tutorial. We also need some
melodrama, as the audience is obviously going to be too thick to appreciate a factual
narrative unless it is jazzed up and dumbed down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Here are some of the highlights from
H7:tWK:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Penn is shown at Milford Haven where Henry Tudor
landed in his attempt to win the Royal Premiership, season 1484-85. He is seen
travelling towards the coast in a motorised dinghy. I am fairly certain that no
mention was made of motorised dinghies in the treatises of G. R. Elton, but it
is more than a couple of years since I did my ‘A’ levels and so it may have
escaped my memory, and to be fair, I did spend long periods of those lessons
pre-occupied with lustful thoughts about some of my classmates (no, not you,
silly boy). He is then seen walking onto the beach (I hope water got in his
wellies) and announcing that “You can imagine what this looked like”. Indeed,
we have to imagine, because no clues are given – all we can see is him and his
bloody dinghy on an empty shoreline. The budget does stretch, however, to a
sound clip that might have resembled an army arriving in Wales during the
tourist season in 1485 but could equally have been a demonstration of coffee
making equipment recorded in Debenham’s in Cirencester. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The melodrama is in the form of captions
which echo the words just spoken by young Tommy; probably the most nonsensical
one is the shibboleth “Our history is about to change forever”. I need not, I
trust, go into all 597 reasons why that statement makes no sense, do I?
(Probably. Ed.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In a scene redolent of the one I complained
about the other day, we then find Tom in a field someplace that he seems to
think is Bosworth Field. It may or may not be the same field that Lucy was in
(who cares? But it would have been more amusing had they crossed paths. They
could even have had a fight about who was there first.), most fields have
characteristics in common, and many fields that were carefully minding their
own business over 500 years ago may have changed considerably or be no longer
extant. Like Lucy, Thomas gives no indication of where Bosworth Field is or why
the armies were there. But given the clue in his reporting that Tudor had
landed in Wales, we can guess that it is somewhere on mainland Great Britain. (It
is actually somewhere near the village of Stoke Golding in Leicestershire and
the battle probably buggered up the school summer holidays of my ancestors in
1485).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Having covered the unpleasantness
perpetrated on Richard of Gloucester, he then ponces off to Westminster Abbey,
where he is seen taking his shoes off. “I’m taking off my shoes” he kindly informs
us. He then commences to prance about the area of the Abbey where coronations
occur. “It feels amazing to stand here”. I confess to being less than amazed by
the spectacle and ponder the question as to whether, were there any amazingness
at all, the amazingness of the place would be enhanced by having this prize
gawdelpus stuck in the middle of it. He then tells us what King Henry VII must
have felt like. (Just stop it – I am referring to his majesty's emotional
state, not the contours of his corporeal being.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">During a section on the battle of Stoke
Field, we are shown footage of the number 35 bus to Clapham in the centre of
London. I really don’t know why, Clapham is nowhere near Stoke Field, and G. R.
Elton made no reference (see above for disclaimer) to John de la Pole
travelling to the battle by omnibus. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Later, at Hampton Court, Penn tells us that
“It was what happened behind this door that would become synonymous with Henry
VII’s reign”. I have no idea to what he was alluding and would suggest that the
statement had as much value as the earlier one about history changing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am happy to report that I spent much of
the day watching the re-enactment of the Battle of Bristol, in which Moeen Ali
went from 50 to 100 in 12 balls, in much the same way that I watched Tom
Graveney score 70 odd against the West Indies when I should have been revising
for my exams. So bollocks to history. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-86543337575156037632017-09-23T10:17:00.000+01:002017-09-23T10:17:56.966+01:00Tis better, sir, to be brief than tedious.<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #8439bd; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I am a patient, tolerant person as is
witnessed by my gentle postings on the electric internet, but I have finally
given up on, and formally denounce, any television programs featuring Lucy
Worsley. Her latest foray into attempting to induce conniptions is the series
"British History's Biggest Fibs".<br />
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #8439bd; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I tried, honestly, but lasted about
20 minutes during which time the leering (hers not mine, that boy), the looking
over her shoulder at stuff the viewer could not see, the preposterous gait
which outdoes her speech defect and total lack of anything interesting to say
caused me to make sure I am never tempted to watch her again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #8439bd; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br />
The first program in this series covers the Wars of the Roses. During the
section that I struggled through she gave no historical context. I probably
know slightly more than the average viewer about that period in history (not enough
for me to be able to teach the subject, but enough to watch the history plays
of Shakespeare without having to constantly consult reference books to work out
who is related to whom) but anyone watching Ms Worsley would probably be
worsley (geddit?) informed after the program than before. There was no attempt to
give an historical context to the Wars – the succession issue on the death of
Edward III (that is king Edward the third, not Edward Iii, midfielder for Port
Vale, do pay attention). Again, I did not watch the whole thing, but there was
no analysis of who the houses of Lancaster and York were. Instead she launched
in to the rancid chestnut of the Tudors putting a spin on history in order to
validate their claim to the throne. Stock footage of Olivier glorying in his
deerskin tent, ffs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #8439bd; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Then a scene in which she is seen
rambling through foliage in the manner of a bemused dogger trying to explain
that she was on the site of the battle of Bosworth. Pointing to her right she
explained that until recently the site of the battle was thought to be two
miles in that direction but the discovery of artefacts had proved it to be round
about where she was standing. Alas, to the uninformed viewer she could have
been standing anywhere. Again, I could probably find my way to the site without
the aid of maps were I so disposed, but there are probably folk among the 27 or
so viewers who made it thus far into the program who thought that the battle
might have taken place in East Goatshag, Oklahoma or Basildon High Street. A
simple display of a map may have helped. <br />
<br />
So that those of you who are not familiar with the story of England in the 15<sup>th</sup>
Century here is a brief synopsis. Edward III was a belligerent twat. He brought
some stability during his reign by kicking seven shades of Shakespeare out of
anyone who opposed him. He outlived his oldest son (insert your own jokes about
the Black Prince) which led to disputes about who should succeed him. There
followed a whole series of battles and skirmishes amongst his successors, who
were also all twats, resulting in the distribution of sundry innards of the
population around the country. The country has continued to be ruled by twats
both royal and elected up until the publication of this learned thesis. Some of
the twats were more benign than others – Clement Atlee wasn’t all that bad, for
example. If you need to know more, there are lots of sources available, but
avoid Ms Worsley if you want to enjoy your research. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-24466180993920199562017-07-22T23:57:00.000+01:002017-07-22T23:57:19.632+01:00Countdown to the royal whatever, part 2.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I know that I have been neglectful of late
with tales from the Saxe Coburg Gotha clan. I apologise to those of you who
have been missing the updates and also to those of you who thought that I had
run out of stories and were celebrating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is not as though there is any shortage
of interruptions to my well-deserved retirement, but more that the tone and
frequency sometimes seems so predictable and tedious that I am circumspect
about repeating them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This time it was the middle of the night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I’m 91 you know”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Fuck off, Liz, you daft tart, do you know
what time it is?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Sorry, ducky, I’m on Canadian time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Don’t be so silly – you went to Canada
House. Even with an escort of the entire British Army and driven slowly in a
coach and horses it’s only 5 minutes. It’s just at the end of the Mall, ffs. I
know you must get bored of looking out of the window, but did you notice
thousands of miles of prairies or any vast expanses of water larger than, say,
St James Park lake?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I’m 91 you know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Oh piss off. Now is there any particular
point to this call or am I the designated stooge this week? What’s Philip up to
– surely there’s still mileage in telling him some stories about young Edward.”<br />
<br />
“No, not since he retired. He feigns indifference and just likes to watch all
the tasteless medical documentaries on the television all day.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Haven’t you told him that all of his
treatment will be on the NHS now that he isn’t doing any official duties?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Shit! That’s a good one. I’m so pleased I
called”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Well, much as I love you, I’m not. Is this about that chap touching your
elbow?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Yes! That was it! I knew there was
something. I thought the bugger was trying to push me down the steps. I told
him that he was looking for a one way trip to the Tower. If the cameras hadn’t
been there I would have hit him upside the head with my handbag. ‘I wonder what
she has in her handbag’ they’re always asking – well it will be a sodding great
brick if I have to go back there again.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<br />
“Stop being so precious, I’m looking forward to your meeting Trump. He’ll have
his tiny hands all over you. I shall definitely watch that with the utmost
attention.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“You can forget that; we’ve already worked
out how to deal with him – we’ve got an open contract with Helen Mirren to
stand in for me, he won’t know the difference and she can kick him in the
bollocks if he tries any funny stuff.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Goodnight, Brenda”<br />
<br />
“I’m 91 you know”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-17853217786712138482017-07-04T09:52:00.000+01:002017-07-04T09:52:30.362+01:00From sea to shining shite<div style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-size: large;">It has become a tradition on this day to post something vaguely satirical about the UK celebrating getting rid of religious bigots to the colonies and allowing the various sects and loonies to forge a new country 241 years ago.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-size: large;">Although I accept no more responsibility for this than I do for any other aspect of British History (I wasn't there) be it the Black Hole of Kolkata, the establishment of the NHS, the slave trade or the liberation of Belsen, I feel it behoves me to of<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;">fer sympathy to the inhabitants of the United States for thinking that they could collectively grow up in less than 2 and a half centuries.</span></span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-size: large;"><div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Had Howe, Cornwallis et al tried a little harder then perhaps secession could have been avoided and a compromise reached.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Today, for example they could have had young Harry Saxe-Coburg-Gotha or his mentally challenged uncle Andy as titular head of state - a frightening prospect in any circumstances other than the current one. The ongoing dismantling of the country could have been replaced by the more benign Republican/KKK power sharing agreement similar to the one operating back home at the moment.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I wish I could be more enthusiastic in wishing a happy birthday to the USA - land of the fucked and home of the shit spangled banner.</div>
</span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-41892226254973889362017-06-25T21:02:00.001+01:002017-06-25T21:02:24.009+01:00Countdown to the royal whatever, part 1<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You will have read (those of you with either
a serious lack of useful occupation or an IQ in the mid 30s) of young Harry
Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and his being uncomfortable in his family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I can now reveal some of the history behind
this story, details which I have kept secret for some time in order to protect
the innocent. And also the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha clan. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Please remember that all of this happened a
number of years ago and there may be some slight inaccuracies, but the essence
is true. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was limbering up for the Saturday of the Lords
test match - I think it featured Sri Lanka, by practising some hasta mudra in
order to be flexible enough to stretch to the mute button for the advertisement
breaks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A call on the electric telephone interrupted these
important rituals. “Yo, you know that spare bedroom you have?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Hello Harry, you soft bastard, sup, and why
are you calling me on the morning of a religious festival?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“I just wondered whether you had thought
about extending your family?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Piss off, you colossal dimwit, there is
already an excess of ugly ginger people in my family, none, thankfully, as dumb
as you, and the spare bed is reserved for Nelson Mandela so he can watch
cricket in peace – I think that might be him at the front door now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“But it would only be until my music career
takes off – or perhaps I could be a salesman in a shoe shop.”<br />
<br />
“You do realise that we have one spare room, don’t you – there are no
facilities for staff members, such as the royal sock folder or the pillow
fluffer?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">“Oh, fuck it, forget it then, I’ll just join
the bloody army”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-17359198579354762272017-05-17T00:42:00.000+01:002017-05-17T00:42:44.927+01:00Inconsequential tripe, but if I don't start writing again soon I never will, and then you'd be sorry, wouldn't you?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My good friends, Theodore and Evadne
Google, are in the habit of bringing anniversaries to the attention of visitors
to their splendid website. I believe that they often get several hundred
visitors each day. Well done!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Today (and wtf am I doing up at this hour,
you may query, to which I would riposte “Twatting about on the electric
internet – one would have thought that that was obvious”) they are publicising
the anniversary of the discovery of the Antikythera mechanism, a little
artefact over 2000 years old which some chaps in Greece threw together to
demonstrate the position of the known planets, which they did quite cleverly
considering that they thought that this planet was at the centre of the solar
system, if you know what I mean, I dunno what they called the solar system. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Later versions of these mechanisms were
called orreries, and it is at this point, dear reader, that I lose interest.
God, in his infinite compassion, has visited upon me and many of my relations on
my maternal side, the inability to cope with the letter “R”. Together we would
be compelled to welease Wodewick. A friend once asked how I would say
“library”, to which I replied “very quietly”. I am proud that I have borne this
disability stoically throughout my life. I like to think that I could have made
a decent fist of being the lead singer of the Rolling Stones when they offered
me the job, but people were much less tolerant back then. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;">These days I am at the vanguard of those
campaigning to end discrimination against those with speech defects; victims
such as the current first lord of the treasury, Twatty Tess, who suffers from
Tourettes to such an extent that the phrase “strong and stable” has to appear
three times in each sentence. I encourage you all to empathise with her by
chanting the refrain “weak and fucking stupid” each time you hear her say it.
Who knows, we may help to pioneer a new medical treatment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-23086110893436100102016-10-06T13:12:00.002+01:002016-10-06T13:12:45.288+01:00National Poetry Day<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">I
was pleased to learn via the electric wireless that today is National Poetry
Day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Let’s
have some clerihews – and, remember, the watchword is “sophistication”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Theresa
May<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Should
just go away<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">She
is moving to the right<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">And
her policies and government are totally full of shite.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Amber
Rudd<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Really
should<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Fuck
off, but she’s not a racist<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">In
the same way that I am One Direction’s bassist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Philip
Hammond<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Is
no shining diamond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">He
warns of an economic rollercoaster<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">But
I would prefer to put his innards in a toaster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Jeremy
Hunt<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">No,
can’t think of anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-72230673692068041242016-08-25T11:22:00.000+01:002016-08-25T11:22:12.202+01:00Consumer activism<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">I sent this email to my friends at Marmite UK. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Good
morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">How
are you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Some
time ago you ran a campaign which may be regarded as successful with the adage “Marmite,
love it or hate it”. I, however, fall into neither camp. I regularly consume
your product, but it is not one about which I would enthuse or be moved to
tears of ecstasy in describing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">I
am far less ambivalent, however, about the preponderance of the harbinger of
the apocalypse that is your “Big Squeezy” container. There are insufficient
existing words to describe the opprobrium which this abomination arouses in me,
but I will share a modicum of them with you, if you will indulge me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">I
am an autodidact when it comes to the use of your commodity. I do not possess a
training manual, neither have I attended evening classes. Through arduous
practice I have deduced that it is possible to extract (geddit?) marmite from
your excellent glass jars by using a knife or similar implement. The knife has
to be narrow enough to fit through the neck of the jar and not so sharp as to
result in the obliteration of the toast when the substance is spread. The shape
of the bottle and the consistency of the comestible allow almost all of the
contents to be successfully removed, eventually. It is not a carefully
calculated operation; experience suffices to judge whether an approximate
measure has been extricated. I am so adept at this exercise that I seldom give
it much thought. The outcome of this is that, from your perspective, there is a
happy customer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Of
late, however, these fine glass jars, unsung and seemingly merely utilitarian,
are not available at my local Sainsbury’s. Instead they have been replaced by
these plastic plagues. (Your product is available in the smaller jars, which
are neither economical nor large enough to contain enough Marmite to cover one
of Mrs McTavish’s Organic Highland Oatcakes). Having learnt to use the
traditional container, I do not wish to devote any of the time remaining to me
in this world in trying to guess how to use it. Is it supposed to be inverted
and squeezed thereby making impossible any attempt to judge the quantity
required? What happens when the container is 75% empty - how hard will I have
to squeeze to get the last bit out? So, let’s admit we have had enough of this
nonsense and dispense with these plastic horrors forthwith. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">As
a large international conglomerate, I suspect that you have a large annual
intake of graduates from our fine academic establishments, each one brandishing
a third class degree in the economics of the cellphone or some such. These fine
people, not so much educated as Goved, begin their careers with you in the hope
that, one day, they will be promoted and have a salary increase that will
result in a reduction in their net pay as they begin to repay their crippling
student loans. You are kind enough to offer them shelter, a chair, a computer
terminal, perhaps free beverages and an eight week course in how to use the sum
function in Excel. They are cosseted by your kindness and distracted from the
Bleak New World’s rising violence, environmental pollution and emptiness for a
few hours each week. The rest of us are grateful to you for taking these people
off of the streets and giving them something futile to do as they await an old
age and funeral which they will not be able to afford. However, in their midst
is some bright spark who came up with the idea of the Big Squeezy. I urge you
to find this person, and in a very loving and tolerant manner explain to them
that their purpose is not to come up with new ideas, particularly damn silly
ones. The microprocessor, wind turbines and the Dilshan Scoop have already been
invented and their efforts to improve the world will not turn out well. Sedate
them if necessary and, should they be intelligent enough to understand, explain
that the purpose of modern education is not to stimulate creativity but rather
to create a passive and grateful workforce. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">I
checked to see whether Lord Lever or anyone else I knew was available to be
sent this communication. I note that your chief marketing officer is Keith
Weed. Is this a case of nominative determinism? Was he gently sitting in his
office one day when the idea of the plastic container for Marmite was muted and
responded through a foggy haze, “Yeah, man, far out!”? I sincerely hope not. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">So,
dear friend, oblige me by stamping out this atrocity. When Lord Sainsbury or
one of his gormless lackies ‘phones through with their weekly order, explain to
them without flinching that the public have spoken and Marmite will be encased
in glass, and glass alone henceforth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Love
and peace<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-18886199892373179662016-04-29T23:05:00.000+01:002016-04-29T23:05:49.494+01:00Our Frank warned you that these creatures were dangerous.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been commissioned by a correspondent – a Reverend Trellis of North Norfolk – to comment on some disturbing news from Switzerland. I should say at this point that even someone with my vast resources cannot comment on all of the disturbing news from Switzerland; indeed some of it is better neither explained nor mentioned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My friend alludes to the bizarre story that a ridiculously expensive physics lab has been shut down by a weasel. We should be careful about this, as it is not uncommon for all members of the genus to be called weasel, so the saboteur in this case could be a stoat, polecat or similar. I know that some of you will be concerned about the identity and condition of the mammal in question, but I can only tell you that it was not Roy “the Weasel” James, one of the Great Train robbers, as he died some time ago, but now shares the same condition vis-à-vis mortality with the creature under discussion. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another example of the lack of concern for living creatures that these physicists flaunt, in much the same way that Messrs Sutton and Smith buggered up my Monday mornings by flinging about iron filings and magnets and discussing alternating current or some such piffle which I refused to acknowledge. There is a somewhat pointless, in my view, debate between those of a religious disposition and those who think that all may be explained by a combination of empirical evidence and logic. They are both equally barmy, but in the interests of balance I should point out that a compassionate creator would not have buggered up so many of my adolescent Sundays by the prospect of double physics first thing of a Monday. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you look carefully there are disturbing clues as to the issues surrounding this whole project. The BBC report an official as saying:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“He added that while it was, fortunately, not every day that an animal affected the equipment, it was not that surprising as the research facility is in the countryside.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am aware that Geneva is not the natural habitat of herds of rhinoceros nor are there many reported sightings of large apes with a penchant for vandalism, but if you are going to spend a lot of money on a facility you might want to take more care of it than leaving it lying around in a bastard field. I have no connections to the banking institutions of the Helvetic Republic and find their famous cheese (those of the country, not the banks, do keep up) barely palatable. In other words, if I were ever to do something as offbeat as to build a Large Hadron Collider, I wouldn’t put it there. </span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wonder whether those in charge at Cern are aware that the New Scientist, while covering this story published this picture:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH-1gFh_4HbwAB89ze5Am_BtITiD9T7Apbqq_TU3VL_NJG14vH2IaPoCq-t4tG9FyqzQ-Cg_lJ57P9r88G_9zVTSxX7yzC9K9d6tXNvyexRW9JmdpLYkO1OF3QE30dM4KYBLma1Q/s1600/Wassname.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH-1gFh_4HbwAB89ze5Am_BtITiD9T7Apbqq_TU3VL_NJG14vH2IaPoCq-t4tG9FyqzQ-Cg_lJ57P9r88G_9zVTSxX7yzC9K9d6tXNvyexRW9JmdpLYkO1OF3QE30dM4KYBLma1Q/s400/Wassname.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is that it? I think that even I, with my CSE grade 3, could operate that. The only puzzling feature is the “ASB” which, I am told, stands for Asiantaeth Safonau Bwyd – the Welsh Food Standards Agency. Again, not wishing to be too critical of a foreign culture, any visitor to the principality will probably report that “food standards” is somewhat of an oxymoron in the hills and vales. Do you have a surfeit of Welsh restaurants near you? Have you been accosted by a tourist desirous of locating a fresh supply of laverbread? Quite. </span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, if they are not spending their vast budgets on sophisticated operating equipment, nor are they able to fork out for a mouse trap, where is all the money going? I suspect we are more likely to find that there is such a thing as Dark Flow before we get the answer to that. </span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I should have chosen to do Latin instead of Physics at O level, I tell you.</span></div>
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Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-21860195798954061282016-02-27T23:29:00.000+00:002016-02-27T23:29:32.078+00:00Nuclear war sorted - what shall I do next?<div class="MsoNormal">
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number of pedestrians in Park Lane today. I could not quite work out why; I
enquired at the Grosvenor to see if there was 10 bob off of one of their suites, and none of the estate agents had anything much under £3 million for a
reconditioned matchbox so it remains a bit of a mystery. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Some of the folk were a little boisterous –
something about “People not Rodents”. I am perplexed. I am not above poisoning
rats, but confess to be quite fond of voles. In any case I am not sure why it
has become such a major concern. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My presence created a media frenzy. In this
picture I am next to the bald gentleman (as indicated by the arrow) but I was
blocked out by that attention grabbing hussy Caroline Lucas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is where I was standing until my ears
started to bleed because of the overloud ‘music’. I buggered off at that point
and didn’t bother to listen to the speakers, nor did I speak despite a very
enticing offer from Vanessa Redgrave. <br />I wish there was some sort of deterrent that could be used to prevent noise pollution. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If you are trying to spot me in the
thousands of photographs on line, I was wearing a hat like this one, but my
head is not quite as pointy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10272587.post-73340275770787506472016-01-07T21:46:00.000+00:002016-01-07T21:46:56.308+00:00Superficiality<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am somewhat distressed to discover that the
best part (and I mean the best part) of half a century after I left school, my
attitude to learning remains that of a silly adolescent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I turned on the electric television to watch
a new documentary featuring the splendid Lucy Worsley. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Here is what I learned. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">She has a silly walk, accentuated by her
practice of wearing heels that treble her height. Her television programmes,
historical in subject, feature long sequences of her demonstrating her silly
walks in various locations loosely associated with the subject of her lecture,
having failed to find footage of the battle of Poltava on Youtube. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">She also has a somewhat distracting speech
defect that causes me to wonder whether she appears in my family tree. The subject
of this new series therefore appears to be the Wule of the Woyal Womanovs in
Wussia, and featured sections in which webels wushed up the staircase and another
wevolt was wuthlessly cwushed. The only things that stood out, if you will
pardon the expression, were the large lump on the side of the nose of one of
her collaborators, and the huge teeth of another (another collaborator, not another nose, do keep up, there were no people in the programme with multiple probosces).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I doubt whether what I learned would be
sufficient to get me a decent grade at A Level even in these post-Gove times of
academic inconsequence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Little has changed, then, since the endless
hours writing notes while Mr Yarnell did his best to instil some sort of
enthusiasm in his captives. Ms Worsley has all of the advantages of multimedia
materials in her attempts to educate us, but I doubt whether holiday footage of
Mr Yarnell prancing round Flodden Field would have caused me to retain more
data than is the case. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This vindicates the view of some chap (don’t
be so damned silly, of course I don’t remember who it was) who said “Those who
fail to learn from history are doomed to retake the exams in November”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Vicus Scurrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13731007799031343701noreply@blogger.com4