Yes, yes, alright, I'm here

OK, You can stop nagging now.

I noticed that my dear friend Dave has done one of these little things that get passed around when none of us have anything to write about. I have nothing to write about, so I thought that I would do it. But no, he has set a trap, asking about the composition of the alphabet.

This alphabet was designed by fucking consultants. Too many consonants and too few vowels. Bastards. This alphabet was the cause of the collapse of the Roman Empire. Forget Alaric the Visigoth and forget Caligula. The place was too fucking big to administer with inadequate documentation. There has been a singular lack of consensus on how my name is pronounced, or how the frigging Romans would have pronounced it. No bugger knows, and no bugger knew, because the alphabet was insufficiently unambiguous. So, eventually, they couldn’t find their way around, because no bugger knew how to pronounce the place names.

Hindi is a completely phonetic language. This is why there are more people per square mile in India than in Europe. When Inderjit says “I fancy a shag”, there is no possible confusion as to his meaning. There is only one way to spell it, and no alternative as to how to pronounce it. Hindi has shit loads of vowels. Had I chosen a Hindustani sobriquet, there would be no doubt as to its pronunciation.

Hey, you Americans, how would you pronounce “Loughborough”? That’s right, the spelling makes no sense whatsoever. Or whatsoevah, if you want the limey version. And don’t get so high and mighty, you rebellious lot. See how many of you pronounce “literally” as “lidderally”, and then you can feel free to criticise those of us who fail to roll our r’s. Pause for Pete and Dud zoo sketch.

So bollocks to the A to Z.

A – for alphabet. Shove it up your ass.

Will that do for now?