Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Long Haul

I would like to express my thanks to Priyamvada Natarajan and Eric Jull, the latest pair of prize Herberts conspiring to keep me from my bed.


They have distracted me by publishing a study which hypothesises that the universe will expand for ever, and eventually become a cold, dead wasteland. Much like Basingstoke, then, probably with more roundabouts and a slightly larger branch of Tesco. 


Before you start to panic, and stampede through the streets wailing and gnashing teeth, I should explain that this latest spurious conglomeration of fanciful brainfart is predicated upon the existence of dark energy. You will recall from previous studies here that dark energy does not exist, and is merely an attempt to explain some inexplicable rather than just calling it God. The piffle also depends on their calculations about how light bends round something called Abell 1689, apparently a massive cluster of galaxies, somewhere east of Aberystwyth. 


They predict that the temperature of the universe will approach absolute zero, so I have been out gathering logs and kindling this evening. You are all welcome to drop in and huddle round my fire, but don’t rely upon sharing my body warmth, as I am English and we don’t do that sort of thing.


May I refer you to this somewhat simplified article in Wikipedia for an alternative and somewhat more sensible explanation?


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_of_Brahma


You may think that my perspective is slightly awry in worrying about my bed time in comparison to all of these things, but I need to be alert tomorrow for the Test Match.

9 comments:

Tim Footman said...

I lost you at Basingstoke. I lost everything at Basingstoke, especially my self respect and my trousers.

arwriter said...

i have to come to your neck of the woods so i can figure out what all these glorious references mean! but at the risk of making you blush, i will admit your writing is so enjoyable, i get the gist and laugh aloud whenever i visit your blog.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tim. Little is talked of in Basingstoke, other than your trousers.
Anna. Basingstoke is mentioned in Gilbert & Sullivan. The reference is still valid.

Dave said...

I read yesterday that the moon is shrinking. I have doubts about this expanding universe. I still wear the same size trousers that I did 20 years ago.

Richard said...

So when is my bus coming?

Rol said...

It's bloody hot here today, so that blows their stoopid theory right out of the water.

Christopher said...

...Then felt I like some watcher of the skies
When a new planet swims into his Ken;
Or like stout Scurra when with eagle eyes
He star'd at new imbecilities - and all his kin
Look'd at each other with a wild surmise - ...


John Keats, On First Looking into Kaliyuga Kronicles

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. You have failed to understand the physics. The whole universe is expanding, both you and your trousers are part of "the universe", and therefore are both expanding. If time travel were possible, you would find that you were much taller than your gt gt gt grandfather, even though you both measure 4 feet 8 inches on your respective tape measures.
Richard. It is metaphysical curiosity such as yours that has driven forward our experiments that will lead to a better understanding of the cosmos. Well done! Although it appears we would have been better employed driving forward our buses.
Rol. Where you are going it will be hotter still, unless you mend your ways and learn to respect the research of our scientists.
Christopher. Don't get me started on the poet Keats. I have never looked into Chapman's Homer, and wouldn't do so without his permission. We are not at home to Mrs Impertinent

arwriter said...

oy. i should have known that...but there are plenty of other references in your writing from the past...