Thursday, September 02, 2010

Policy Statement

After centuries of moving in a mysterious way and shunning publicity, God has broken his silence and announced that the Universe does not need Stephen Hawking.

“Frankly, my infinite patience and mercy has been pushed beyond the fucking limit by this irritating little tit”, He exclaimed at a news conference in Swanage, attended by a select few members of the international news media. “I have gone out of my way to keep a low profile, only appearing occasionally in pizzas and half eaten Turkish Delight, but I am fed up to my back teeth of these wiseacres, wizeasses and witless wankers,” went on the Supreme Deity (6189), “were they there at the Creation? Well if they were, I didn’t fucking see them. They were no fucking help to me, with their calculations, theories and hypotheses. Have you seen the size of the fucking universe? Big, that’s what it is; very fucking big, and all my own work. Hawking can take his doctorate and shove it where the sun don’t shine – and I know where that is too, because I made the sun, and not on the fourth day either. Who do these people think they are? As if I’m going to construct a fucking universe in the fucking dark. Hot – that’s what they are, suns; take a bit of careful handling too. How many are there? Well, more than Hawking and his mates can count, I can tell you that for nothing. Twat. You have no fucking idea how much planning it took.”

Sounds of thunder could be heard.

“Hawking? He can kiss my hairy divine arse. And while we’re at it, I’m none too fond of that twat Bruce Willis. That will be all.”


Richard said...

Dear Mr God,

Pls to answer this question that has been vexing me this past 50 years: where were you living when you created the universe? Had the neighbourhood gone downhill or had you not paid your council tax and needed to get out a bit sharpish?

That is all.

Yours etc...

Vicus Scurra said...

I am passing on this message and accept no responsibility for the views expressed: "Everywhere, you cheeky git. And don't think I haven't been keeping an eye on you."

Richard said...

And before I forget, can you stop moving about in that mysterious fashion? The Daily Mail will have you for a poof if you're not careful.

Dave said...

I shall read this statement from The Lord at the start of my service on Sunday. I expect there will be no need for me to say anything else.

Not that that's ever stopped me in the past.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Dave. I will not charge you for my services.

Otto diDactic said...

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the clarification and all of your efforts to date.

I hate to be a bother, however, I was wondering if there was any chance of you coming back to fix the huge f*cking mess down here on Earth?

Might I suggest that on your next appearance that you speak to everyone at the same time. I'm afraid that this business of trusting one guy to tell the world about your "plans" has failed miserably.

I'm certain that you get a lot of crabby emails like this but here's hoping.

Appreciate it,
Genetically Modified Baboon

God said...

"hairy divine arse"?

I'll have you know I wax, Vicus Scurra

back, sac and crack

(as I believe it's commonly described)

please make sure your facts are correct next time you, ahem, "quote" me

yours, etc

Rol said...

Yeah, God, but Bruce Willis is much more likely to kick you arse than Stephen Hawking.

Christopher said...

I'm very sorry to have to say that I'm really pretty content with everything especially with such devotees of doubt and cynicism about without whom the seesaw of life just wouldn't go up or down and one would be robbed of that delightful sensation in one's loins. Thank you.

Rog said...

Hawking Dawkin Mawking Forking

That's how I remember them.

Got to have a system.

Richard said...

BRUCE Willis!

Richard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tom909 said...

Dear God,
Thank you for clarifying the situation regards this place we are living in. As human beings, we are in an interesting situation. We don't seem to have quite enough information, or the mental capacity, to work this kind of stuff out. This inevitably leads to occasional statements from Hawking and the like which actually help no-one, although it does give some of us a laugh I suppose.
Thankfully, our predicament does not necessarily mean we cannot enjoy our brief time here, for which I am grateful.
Kind Regards