Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Porn - do you want it rammed down your throat?

Many of you (a Mrs Trollop of North Wales) will have been as excited as I by the news that Ed “Royston” Vaizey is attempting to curb internet pornography.
Ed is the minister for communications, but, sadly, he failed to inform me of his appointment. 
For those of you who are not familiar with the term “pornography” it is defined as writing or pictures of obscene material. I tried to search for it using the offices of Theodore and Evadne Google, but could find little information. Obscene means depraved or likely to offend. Here is one of Ed’s many problems. I find his whole government depraved and offensive; much more so than depictions of Mrs Sturgess of Bismarck Crescent, Bexhill on Sea waving her uncovered wobbly bottom via the medium of my computer terminal. Mrs Sturgess’s buttocks I can take or leave. I have no feelings either way about them. Mr Vaizey and his gang of arseholes, on the other hand, fill me with utter disgust, and the nation’s young people in particular should be protected from them. 
Ed has summoned leaders of the UK’s leading broadband providers to discuss how pornographic websites should be based on an opt-in rather than opt-out basis. The first 27 minutes of the meeting will be spent on “in and out” puns. 
The difficulty of this whole idea is fairly clear. There will need to be a constantly maintained list of pornographic websites. However, this is not as difficult as it sounds. I estimate that all that is needed for this is the largest database in the universe, and a small army (say 3 and a half million – unemployment cured at a stroke, missus) of clerical staff to check all of the web pages on the internet. Then someone will have to link this database to the browser software operating in the UK to prevent someone from accidentally straying over to the Rev. East’s site on the morning that he is discussing the pair of jugs on his Welsh dresser.
The last time a government had an idea so plainly daft was in the reign of Cnut, and you can all provide your own jokes. 
The good news is that all of the articles reporting on this cunning scheme will be filled with innuendo, in order to prove that our colleagues who earn money by blogging are not devoid of talent.
Take for instance Harry Wallop’s (sic) piece in the Torygraph; he mentions: “censorship through the back door”. Dirty bugger.
I am off for a quick Harry Wallop.

25 comments:

Frontier Former Editor said...

Well, that settles my opinion on "The Congressional Record" and the commercial I just saw for an in-dryer clothes de-wrinkler called "Mister Steamy"

Vicus Scurra said...

FFE. So good to see you here. Or hear, you see.
A clothes de-wrinkler. What a fucking great idea. I am almost tempted to go christmas shopping.

potatoehead64 said...

I feel it quite neccessary to follow you blogs for their undisputable wit and self degradation. In particular I like "Carefully crafted cornucopia of crap"
This is indeed alliteration of archetypal amusement.

Marty

MJ said...

There is far too much filth on the Interweb.

Dave said...

There is far too much on the Interweb.

If they barred all sites but yours and mine, dear Vicus, the world would learn all it needs to know, and would be a much happier place.

Peace and love.

Christopher said...

So the former Mrs Trellis remarried? I thought she would.

Dave, you've forgotten the tertius gaudens. Again.

Richard said...

Who was it said the difference between eroticism and porn is that having your inner thigh teased by a feather is erotic; porn is when you use the whole chicken?

WV fistabbe.

Enough.This mine is very deep.

Vicus Scurra said...

Marty. Welcome.
MJ. I am with you.
Dave. So true.
Chris. You could still visit, and drink in our wisdom.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. Your what is very deep?

Homo Escapin-Sapien said...

It would be very useful to have a proper list of porno sites. Imagine how much time one could save if they are also rated in accordance with their respective levels of depravity.

potatoehead64 said...

"It would be very useful to have a proper list of porno sites."

There is one its...... (errmmm) (ahem).

No. I have absolutely no idea!

Rol said...

If we all just closed down the internet and went back to buying our porn from the top shelf of the newsagents, it'd be much easier to keep track of this sort of thing.

Geoff said...

There are more than enough tits and arses on Conservative Home to keep me happy.

brokenbiro said...

I'm very gratified that you have 'stood up proudly' to 'nip this thing in the bud'

english inukshuk said...

"Many of you (a Mrs Trollop of North Wales) will have been as excited as I. . . "

. . .but I wasn't excited

(altho the word ver is snexed which might be read as quite suggestive)

Tim Footman said...

I think the whole thing’s worth it, simply for the delight of Mr Vaizey having to stand up in the Commons every few days and list the sites that have fallen either side of the great porn divide. “Yes, after watching wobblybosoms.net for three hours we decided it wasn’t quite rude enough, but wobblybosomscoveredinbutterscotch.com is very rude indeed, especially the bit when... excuse me, I need to go to the lavatory...“

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you all, particularly Tim (I done a lol) who spent five and three quarter hours trying to find the name of a naughty website that did not really exist. I am so proud.

Richard said...

Rol, if we went back to buying our porn off the top shelves (or finding it in hedges or cultivating the newsagent's son with all the free Rothmans he could handle), there would be no internet.

arwriter said...

best. title. ever.

Scarlet Blue said...

Seasonal fellatio to you, Mr Vicks!
SXXX

...and many thanks for the e-card.

MJ said...

Looking forward to more of your tasteless crap in 2011.

Happy New Year!

wv: trype

Jayne said...

I imagine you sweeping your palms clean when you've finished your posts. Fabulous.
So glad I stumbled in to this saucy study.

Vicus Scurra said...

Jayne! Welcome. Please tell us how you managed to stumble over this third rate filth, you naughty girl.

Jayne said...

Gosh, I wish I could remember. But I just stumbled back, and this time it was by way of Geoff (least I think so). Or maybe it was the vodka.

MJ said...

Are you on strike?