Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I've throttled your parakeet

As regular readers (aMToNW) will be aware, I have never been one to cower in the face of the more important issues of the day. The more astute among you (who he? Ed.) will already have steeled themselves to be confronted by one of the major questions of the day.

This concern was raised last week. I was disappointed to see that it was not one of the questions in the recent elections in the USA, but I guess not everyone has the ammunition to tackle the more weighty dilemmas. I diligently watched Fox News so as not to miss being best informed, but at no point was the issue raised. The voters of Ohio failed to reach a consensus, let alone a unanimity.

Last week, after nibbling one of my comestibles, my dear nephew announced via the medium of facebook, that hobnobs are better than digestives, at least that was my inference based on my translation of the arcane hieroglyphics favoured by these young people. You may consider this to be somewhat rash, and redolent of the impetuosity of the young. The argument is not without merit, although he completely failed to introduce any data to the audience. I am therefore under some compunction to expand upon this, and to define parameters which were so clearly lacking in his cryptic statement.

The central issue is this: which is the best biscuit in the world. There are, clearly, only two contenders – McVitie’s dark chocolate hobnobs, and McVitie’s dark chocolate digestives. I am beginning a journey to establish, if possible, which is better and, by logical extension, the best.

There may be those among you, of a frivolous disposition, who might claim that some other type of biscuit is better than these two. If you fall into this category, you are clearly deluded. Let me be firm about this; this is no forum in which to promote the merits of the custard cream or the all butter shortbread. We will not be at home to pointless discussion of the experience of the fig roll or the bourbon. I am not, after all, Mussolini, and will concede that these are all tasty and creditable substances which have had a positive impact on civilisation, but I must draw you back to the central concern – digestive or hobnob.

I am not a bigot. I recognise that it may be beyond the frontiers of human capability to ever reach a definitive conclusion on this topic. This is no excuse, however, for our not attempting it. We must adopt the resolve that has given birth to the great breakthroughs in human achievement, and not flinch from the difficulty.

I will not be drawing any conclusions until all have had a chance to share their wisdom. Please be circumspect in your decision making on this vital issue.


Z said...

I will have dark chocolate digestives in the house, but not dark chocolate hobnobs. There is only so much temptation that a woman can resist.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Zoe, for having the courage to open this debate, with so poignant an observation. You have laid a pathway along which everyone else can tread, in gratitude to your carving it.

tom909 said...

To be frank about this, I do find Hobnobs a little on the sweet side for my taste - mind you, I do enjoy them during sex.

Richard said...

Abernethy. Beautiful. And they dunk. You'll have to fetch yourself along to Morrison's though as I've never seen them anywhere else.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom. When that man in the public convenience in Budleigh Salterton told you to close your eyes while he put his hobnob in his mouth ....

Richard! The rules were quite clear. There's always one, isn't there. Stop it now.

Richard said...

Nobody tells me what to do.

I may have got that bit wrong.

FirstNations said...

Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip...biscuits.


Tim Footman said...

The answer is digestives. Anyone who disagrees is an abject delingpole.

Pearl said...

As far as I know, I have neither hobnobs nor digestives in my home. If I do, it's been snuck (a perfectly acceptable word, I assure you) in under the guise of something else.

Let me know when you tackle the all important lefse verses tortilla question.


Vicus Scurra said...

Pearl! We hear so much about the deprivations suffered by your people. I will see if we can arrange an parachute drop of nutritional stuff. And you have clearly never experienced chapatis, parottas, parathas or rotla, otherwise you would not be advertising these Scandinavian and Mexican imposters.

Indigo Roth said...

Hobnobs are for girls. Real men eat digestives.

Vicus Scurra said...

Bloody Hell, Indigo, you're not afraid of controversy, are you? I had not imagined that the discussion would become so volatile. You have certainly broadened the scale. Thank you.

Bob said...

hobnobs are sometimes suitable for young people whose taste buds have yet to mature

Vicus Scurra said...

We seem to have pretty conclusive evidence that there is, notwithstanding Tom's sex life (and we have had quite enough of that, thank you), that there is something more manly about the digestive. Perhaps I misunderstood Z in her comment - she may not actually be expressing a preference after all, but refuses to countenance the hobnob because of its testosterone deficiency.
I must make it clear that I will not tolerate sexism; I may be persuaded that the hobnob is altogether effete and camp, but that does not mean that it cannot still be the confection of preference.
The debate remains open.

Zig said...

which are better? At what?
I have experimented and present data that you complain is missing but neither do you provide so:-
Neither were good as a substitute for a bath plug although the hobnob faired slightly better,
Neither could be used as a letter opener.
Neither were suitable for frying an egg.
The dog could opene the pack of digestives faster on an average of 3 attempts.
The cat liked neither.
The rabbit prefers hobnobs.
I have a ddressed one of each to you Vic with a first class postage stamp, please advise which arrives first.
The digestive disintergrated faster in boiling cocoa.
The hobnobs have more calories.
The digestives are neater.
So there you have it, conclusive proof.

Vicus Scurra said...

There was never any cause to be silly. I will, out of kindness, attribute your eccentricity to over-enthusiasm, but I feel obliged to say that others would not be so generous.

english inukshuk said...

a Jaffa cake

I hope that helps


(otherwise, I agree with ZigZ)

von LX said...

Those products are not available in my area. My I substitute Oreos vs Oreos Double Stuf instead for the comparison?

Vicus Scurra said...

I am not surprised that they are not available in your area. You obviously lack the discrimination to appreciate the culinary arts. Oreos indeed. What you are doing madam, (I am assuming madam judging by the picture) is equivalent to introducing the name of Justin Bieber into a discussion about rock and roll.
So the answer to your impertinent question is a firm and unequivocal NO.

Indigo Roth said...

Sir! Yes, but where do you stand on the subject of the jaffa cake? It IS an intriguing notion. Yours with all due, etc. Indigo

P.S. Loved the parakeet throttling. Did you find some ground glass for the omelette?

Vicus Scurra said...

I have never stood on a jaffa cake.