Friday, January 17, 2014

Alfred the Grave

I am sure that you will all be delighted to read in the Torygraph that some interminable busybody has been poking around among the dead, and claims to have found the bones of king Alfred in a box in Winchester. It is a little late to return them to him, but I am sure he is grateful for the attention.

Most of you will be familiar with Alf, although very few will have attended his funeral. I wish they would leave him in peace, along with future corpses in North Hampshire, amongst whom I may well number sometime in the next 50 years.

The Torygraph reports that the bones may be those of Alf’s son, Edward the Elder. Alf showed great perspicacity in bestowing this sobriquet onto his son. Many of our modern royals resemble shrubs, in appearance, intelligence and, one would like to think, in their contribution to the welfare of us all. Ted’s daughter married an illegal immigrant, one Sitric Caech (Norwegian for Citrus Cake), and thus the purity of the genetic line was ensured.

Alfred is portrayed as a great hero among the British. I am sure Michael Gove has a photograph of him on his desk. He was not, however, a great liberal reformer, and somewhat cruelly named one of his sons Ethel Weird.

When I get home, I shall have a rummage round in the loft to see if there is any trace of Vortigern, king of the Britons. 


Dave said...

I am loath to correct you, but when I read about this story earlier today (admittedly on the BBC website, not your august source of reference) it appears that they have not actually found the bones of King Alfred, but a fragment of pelvis bone, which just might belong to him, or his son, or indeed of any man who was 'aged between 26 and 45-plus at the time of his death' which would be around 1300. [Not 1pm.]

If it were the case that Alf and Ted were the only two men in England at this time,and fought off the Vikings with an army of Amazon warriors, then I might see some merit in the headlines.

Perhaps you can throw more light on this puzzling conclusion.

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, dear boy, but I didn't want to make it too hard for folk to understand.
I have little interest in the pelvic area of old men, and so will leave further detail to those with such propensities.

Rog said...

You didn't mention the famous cake burning incident, a tradition which even today passes for popular entertainment amongst the masses.

Vicus Scurra said...

Hello Roger. I did not want to pander to the more sensational of my readership.