I have had a lovely email from a gentleman in New Jersey (the American
state not the item of apparel – stop being silly). Here is my reply:
Mel! Thanks for the message. I am overwhelmed by your kindness and have
taken the trouble to respond to most of your points by interspersing your
comments with mine. I hope this does not confuse you. (Your bits are in blue mine in red)
Late Stage College Planning- You Can Still
Save A lot of Money On College Costs
Not strictly accurate.
If I am spending money then, by definition, I am not saving it. I cannot save
money on costs I can only try to reduce costs. Are you trying to save costs by
not capitalising the “l” in “lot” and the “o” in “of” because I don’t think
that works with electronic media. Maybe You have put A lot of Research into This,
but having read the rest of your letter I remain unconvinced.
As the parents of a college-bound
student, you may be very confused and suffering from anxieties, sleepless
nights, fear of going broke, and acquiring huge student debt. If so, you are
not alone. With the dramatic increase in the cost of college during the past
few decades, paired with the extreme highs and lows of the market and the
economy, many families simply can’t afford to attempt this important and
expensive process on their own. For most parents, the college years will be the
most expensive time in their lives. It makes good sense to seek some
assistance.
I am not the parents of a college-bound
student, neither am I the parents of an egg-bound student nor a clothbound
student but I do have paperbound book – alas I am not its parents. I, being singular,
cannot be the parents of anything. Although I have often been given advice
along the lines of – to paraphrase – copulating with myself, I have never
heeded that advice (you are evidently no stranger to dubious advice) and even
if I had, I suspect that there would be numerous pitfalls even before the
possibility of gestation. Mel, dear boy, prithee read that first sentence again.
It isn’t very well constructed is it? Did your teachers not warn you about the
dangers of too many “ands”? We have a saying over here – “Many ands make stuff
unwork”. Perhaps you have a degree in marketing which would explain your
complete disregard for English usage. In most walks of life it is useful to be
able to convey your ideas succinctly and be sanguine about the audience’s
chances of comprehending them; in marketing the reverse is true.
We help families
evaluate the various options available to them such as whether a private
college makes more sense than a public one, or perhaps a trade school makes
even better sense. Should your child begin at a Community College and then
transfer to a four year school later? Making decisions on these important
issues should be based on real knowledge, not myth. Selecting the “right”
college can make the difference in both your child’s happiness and the
potential savings of thousands of dollars.
Now I see your point –
I am confused! If a trade school does not make better sense that a private
college, does it matter whether it makes better sense that a public one? Where
does this leave me? Why is the right college in quotation marks? Is this a
meaning of the word “right” (correct use of quotation marks there, Mel!) with
which I am unfamiliar? What do you mean by a college making more sense? You do
not display much expertise on the topic of making sense so perhaps I should
move on.
At (Name censored - Ed.), we will
help you craft a structured plan for choosing the right institution for your
College–bound children without
jeopardizing your own retirement, including:
We will not mention the
new paragraph there. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.
§ Separating myth
from reality in order to make educated decisions (not what is heard at the
water fountain at work or from the neighbor next door);
I do not have a water
cooler at my place of work. We do, however, glory in the possession of a
kettle. To the best of my recollection (and I must confess that I cannot remember
the details of every conversation I have had at that location) I have never
been misled or subject to mendacious propaganda. There was, however, an
occasion in 1995 when I had cause to doubt the judgement of a colleague in
regard to his opinion of the qualities of the episode of “Father Ted” which we
had both seen the previous evening. What really concerns me about this point is
the construction. Are you implying that water-fountain gossip is myth or do you
believe it to be reality? What is reality? Having pondered your missive for
some time I am beginning to believe that I ought to invest some time in delving
into existential philosophy. If I am to take that course should I chose a
private or public college or a trade school? Is there a trade school for
philosophy? Should that be “or” or “nor” in your point? Perhaps I need to learn
more about simple syntax. Further you specify my next door neighbour. What
about the neighbour next door but one? Are they more or less prone to veracity?
How do you know? I have always viewed my neighbours as upright and reliable,
now you are sowing the seeds of doubt. Even though they seldom discuss matters
of more importance than the weather (I have, after all, only been resident here
for 25 years) I am beginning to think that I should carry waterproof clothing
with me at all times, even when one of these bastards tells me that it is a
fine day.
§ Navigating the
process for making the right choices about college-those best suited for your
child;
§ Forecasting realistic
chances of admission at selected colleges using comprehensive, proprietary
software, and identifying a plan to improve those chances for schools that may
seem out of reach..
Why does this point end
with a double full-stop when the others end with a semi-colon? Can any point
really end with a semi-colon and have grammatical integrity? It has only taken
two readings of your little article to make me question my understanding of
even the most simple elements of construction and style.
§ Formulating a
plan that will minimize the cost of attendance, reduce out of pocket expenses
and maximize financial aid;
§ Differentiating between the pricing of so
-called "cheaper" state colleges and "expensive" private
colleges – Public institutions do not necessarily equate to a lower cost of
attendance;
Why
is there a space before “so” and “-called”? Why does Public have a capital “P”?
§ Assisting in the preparation of the FAFSA form;
PLUS MUCH MORE
Our planning team consists of
experienced financial advisors and a former college admissions director with
40 + years of experience in higher
education, including 18 years working in the “Ivies”.
First step: visit us for a complimentary meeting when we will
provide an overview of the college selection process, estimate your Expected
Family Contribution (EFC) and help you calculate the amount of financial aid
that might be available. For more information or to make your complimentary
appointment, please give us a call at (censored - Ed.).
Anyway, Mel, dear friend (I feel so very
close to you already) I should point out that I am a resident of the UK. (In
case you voted Republican at the recent elections, UK stands for “United
Kingdom” and is not part of the United States. We have our own government and
everything.) I do not have children of any description let alone those about to
embark on college education in North America.
Perhaps you should consider checking your email addresses. But please write again – I cannot convey how much pleasure I have derived from our relationship. In the meantime I will seek out a volume of P G Wodehouse so that he can learn me how to write good again.
Perhaps you should consider checking your email addresses. But please write again – I cannot convey how much pleasure I have derived from our relationship. In the meantime I will seek out a volume of P G Wodehouse so that he can learn me how to write good again.
Love and peace
