It is reassuring to know that, in these
times of change, we can always rely upon the traditional sources of
information. In this fine city we have the “Leicester Mercury” a veritable Fort
Knox of valuable data. As every schoolboy knows, Mercury was the messenger of
the gods and also god of commerce. Capitalist twat.
Anyway, this fine organ is a constant
source of useful information. Today there is some splendid stuff in an essay
entitled “How to spot if you have a cannabis farm next door: Nine signs you
should look out for”
I would have preferred if they had written
“Nine signs for which you should look out”, but purists might say that it
should be “Nine signs, out for which you should look”. It’s a funny old world
isn’t it?
I won’t reprint the whole article, but
these sections I found particularly useful.
“Cannabis growing equipment transported to and from the house”
I suppose that that one is a bit of a
give-away. I shall quiz the postal services and delivery drivers about what
they have been moving. I am not
knowledgeable about these matters so I asked my dear friends Theodore and
Evadne Google about this. Rather than telephone them this late at night I used
their website (are you familiar with it – it has been a closely guarded secret
– we don’t want everyone being able to learn things on their own, do we, to
where would that lead???). The first item that came up was an “Elite Optima
Plus Side Filing Cabinet”. I will see if any of my neighbours owns such an item
by discreet enquiry. Do any of your acquaintances possess expensive office
equipment? If they do then they may well be a drug-crazed hippy.
“Heat, birds on the roof, and a lack of snow”
Bugger! Everyone on the estate must be a
junkie. No signs of snow and quite warm (I haven’t been out wearing a cardigan
for several weeks).
“9. Unsociable comings and goings.
Are there lots of unfamiliar faces turning up at the house at
any time of the day and night? It could just be a popular family, but maybe
it's something more sinister.”
It must be me! I had a very funny bugger
from Crewe turn up the other week. Just off to hand myself in at the local
nick. Anyone got Caroline Coon’s telephone number?
3 comments:
My son assures me that there's a strong smell of cannabis at a house he delivers to. It's in Eye, where I don't think the Leicester Mercury is delivered. Evidently, the neighbours don't recognise the whiff - unless they're all in partnership.
But your son does. I am not sure what he is delivering there. I trust that it is not cannabis growing equipment. I also trust that he does not linger in the vicinity.
He doesn't know what he's delivering either, postmen don't inspect the parcels - and yes, he does. He went to university, after all. I'll pass on your advice.
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