I am delighted to read that this year’s Nobel Physics prize has
been awarded to three gentleman who have detected ripples in space time.
It is hard to explain just how much this means to me, as unlike the
apparatus that was used to detect the aforementioned ripple, no mechanism has
been invented to measure such refined units of meaning. Of course, much of this
has passed me by; the last time I was in a physics lab the most sophisticated
instrument was the micrometer screw gauge. I will pause while you make your own
facile (witty, shurely? Ed.) remarks about screwing and measuring very small
things. Finished? Good.
This is all to do with (excuse me if I am being simplistic) the
ability of very large objects moving at speed being able to slow down or speed
up time. By large objects what is meant is black holes. (All the while I am
writing this I am reminded of a particularly humorous comment made by a
colleague about an event germane to this thread, but as the subject of that
comment may one day read this I am obliged to simply apologise for being
distracted). When they collide they produce ripples.
Now, call me picky, but if I refer again to the last time I was in
a physics lab, it was in the company of some of the least able pedagogues ever
to exist. What they could do, however, despite their lack of mass was to make
time slow down. I once spent 263 hours in double physics one Monday morning. Mr
S* was a short dapper man with an admirable beard who could monotonise for
Europe. The other Mr S* was a slim, sardonic creep who kept the spirit of
Torquemada alive, despite being much less funny. Mr M* was a dishevelled loon
who also taught RE, I suspect in an attempt to persuade a benevolent deity to
instil a sense of interest in his pupils. So please don’t come round here telling me that
they’ve only just detected these phenomena.
Yellow cards will be shown to anyone trying to make jokes about
raspberries or nipples.
