I have written to the chief executive of
Sainsbury’s. There is no need to thank me.
Dear Simon
I am hoping that this matter will not intrude
greatly on your daily routine – I am aware that those shelves don’t stack
themselves.
I am communicating on behalf of LEICESTER (Local
Easily Irritated Citizens [Especially Susceptible to Ear-aching Rubbish])
having spent a less than enjoyable perambulation round the aisles of your local
establishment this very morning.
You will recall your excellent initiative at
the beginning of lockdown whereby the elderly and infirm were allocated times
when they alone could conduct their shopping activities. I was able to take advantage
of that and appreciated your kindness. It is true that concentrating the bewildered
and gormless into a fixed time period could have led to issues – more than the
average number of customers blankly staring at the shelves for no apparent
reason while their trolley blocked the lanes, and the meaningless meandering at
a pace redolent of the chubby, asthmatic boy in the egg and spoon race to cite
two examples – but I was able to zip round the store, and between March and May
I only ran over 3 old ladies, all of whom apologised profusely.
Anyway, as I abhor circumlocutory verbosity, I will come to the main reason for this missive, which comes in the form of a request.
Would it be possible to set aside one or two periods each week for the remainder
of this month when those not wishing to be assailed by the cacophony of what is
politely described as Christmas music, could conduct their purchasing pursuits?
All you would have to do is to press the off switch. I appreciate that you
might see this request as simplistic, but I have given some thought to the
issues arising and would be prepared to sign a waiver. I am cognisant of the
health and safety matters resulting from the gathering together of those likely
to take advantage of this scheme. Without the “music” (I wonder what Haydn
would have called it?) then the sounds of sundry villagers whose disposition might
range from mildly nervous to downright grumpy, all tutting, sighing and grumbling
might be discomforting for your staff – you may even have to go as far as hiring
extra security guards. But, on the whole I think that if you can ride this
storm all of your colleagues will benefit from having overcome the challenge
and standards will improve. Indeed, I might be inclined to spend more time, and
in consequence money, chez vous if it meant not having to listen to some
hackneyed jeremiad or the wailings of a third-rate quasi-musical ensemble.
Anyway, my dear old cabbage, give it some thought – but time is running out. I
know that you may have other pressing matters to attend to – the issue of your
failing to stock wholemeal hot cross buns any longer, and why they were only ever
available between New Year and Easter while the other stodgier varieties were and
are in abundance throughout the year, for example – but I am sure it will
gladden your heart to see me skipping gaily up your produce aisle should you be
able to satisfy my plea.
Love and peace
