Friday, May 23, 2025

Insight and explanation

As this scripture is not regularly updated, I feel compelled to record this exchange which happened 15 years ago, between two of the great sages and seers of the age. It will help to clarify the background to the major events of our era.


Tom Widdicombe

Do we have a date yet for when we actually enter Satyuga - the impurity of this age is taking its toll on me!

Ken Phillips

It is quite subtle, Tom. You might notice your perceptions change, for example when, on seeing a beautiful young lady, you no longer drool and lose the feelings in your legs, but instead recognise the glory in creation, then the signs are there that the golden age has begun.

Alternatively, if your perceptions change when, on seeing a beautiful young lady you no longer drool and lose the feelings in your legs, but instead wonder when she is going to bake you a cake, that just means you are too old to give a shit about the yugas.

Tom Widdicombe

So are you saying that when I stop getting horny Satyuga has begun...

Ken Phillips

Well, either Satyuga has begun or you will be dead. Many see those two events as being closely connected anyway.

Tom Widdicombe

So are you saying that my existence is the reason that Satyuga has been somewhat delayed. Or are you saying that being alive but not horny is akin to being dead...

Ken Phillips

Mr. Widdicombe, whereas you are not, despite your best efforts, the worst example of kaliyugan excess evident on this planet, your interest in the less savoury gunas is typical of residents of that age. So, you cannot claim full credit for what is widely seen as an overdue change.

Tom Widdicombe

So, Ken, under the circumstances I think maybe the best course of action is for me to let you know when I am no longer feeling horny. Then at least we will know with some certainty, that Satyuga can begin.

Ken Phillips

Yes, please keep me apprised of you state of arousal. I live and breathe for such data.

Tuesday, January 07, 2025

The Royal Year 2024


Annie is excited to attend the new Paddington premiere.


Chaz is not best pleased to see that it is yet another flipping vegetarian banquet.



Being queen has some disappointments.
   

"How many times do I have to tell you, you dull tart, we are not having flock wallpaper"


Nothing amusing about this one.


Chaz was prepared to execute a criminal before dinner in order to share cultural values with the Emir.


"For the 53rd bloody time, I am not that old"


The invitation specified fancy dress.


Chaz was feeling quite content, but moments later he was annoyed to find someone with a sillier hat than his.


For the third year running, Bill was the winner of the "Most Ornate Pigeon Crap" competition.


"No, tell them to back up, I'm the fucking king!"


Annie politely declined the offer of a bra fitting.
A few minutes later the gentleman was seen being loaded into an ambulance.


Chaz was unimpressed by the buffet at the official reception.


"Piss off - you are not rescuing any of my serfs."


Chaz was obliged to firmly grasp the young lady's wrists until he convinced her that he was not Russell Harty. *


"No I bloody well don't have Oliver Cromwell's mobile number"


Bill always enjoyed the Sandringham peasant hunt.


"I tell you I have been a good girl - is this all I get?"


Chaz selects the main course for the Balmoral dinner.


"See the blue moon? That's more common than an England tournament win."


Bill and Kathy had some embarrassing telephone calls to make after the brats' latest shoplifting jaunt. 


"Sit down you twat, I can't see a bleeding thing."


Soph couldn't remember buying that hat for Edward. Fourth time this year that she had mistaken someone else for her husband.


Tess was feeling very self-satisfied "I'm off home to sit down with a box of Thornton's Continental and watch a few episodes of 'Only Fools and Horses' - I don't have to attend the State Opening of Parliament anymore."


Chaz and Cams arrive on time to take part in the Wiltshire Flashing Festival.


Young Emily wasn't falling for any of that "pull my finger" shit.



* younger readers (there's no bugger here under the age of 80. Ed.) may have to google this reference.