Wednesday, July 27, 2005

An act of love and kindness

I believe that it is incumbent on all of us web diarists to help our fellow writers by constructive and loving criticism. This is particularly true of those younger and less able contributors who would most benefit from our help. Many of my readers (a Mrs Trellis of North Wales) will have visited the site of young Adam, if only to see how computers are being used in the less developed areas of the world, and will have become fond of his witty, erudite and absorbing prose. This week he has been playing with his Meccano.


Hello Adam, you silly tart, here are the suggested corrections to your latest work of mediocrity. Please call upon my services if you wish to graduate from the Governor George Wallace College. I would be only too pleased to help:

Visting relatives
1) Vesting relatives? Some ancient southern ritual which involves removing the undergarments of uncles and aunts without disturbing their outer clothes – people in your part of the world have taken to wearing clothes, haven’t they? But surely that would be ‘devesting’.
2) Misting relatives? Providing a cooling spray, the origin of which is an entirely personal matter, for your grandparents in the long, hot southern summers.
3) Visiting relatives? Unlikely. Were I related to you, I would hesitate to visit until you learned to spell.

See pervious post:
1) While it is not entirely impossible that you have some sort of pole that allows access, it is of little interest and has no meaning in the context in which you have used it.
2) Perverted post? You southerners, honestly.
3) See previous post. Unlikely. Were I a visitor to your site, I would be unlikely to go to another article until you learned to spell.

Fire-breating dinosaur
1) Barbara Bush.

Definetly
1) Folks in the UK definitely have difficulty with that word too, although most of the incorrect versions use ‘definately’. In the wonderful world of the web, you can share your ignorance with others.
2) I would definitely be unlikely to visit your site until you learned to spell.

Toliet
1) I can forgive you this, as such items are a luxury south of the Mason Dixon Line.

Audence
1) Or dense. As in “Adam’s readers are either drunk or dense.”
2) WHAuden. A purveyor of second rate verse, noted for his wrinkled appearance.
3) Audience. Unlikely. I would hesitate to come to see you until you learned to spell.

Talke
1) Talke. A town of great natural beauty, and some fame. Home of the Talke Pits Development Company.
2) Talc. Sure is sweaty down south.
3) Talk. Good idea. Better than writing until you learn to spell.

Cosists
1) Cosines. A mathematical term used in the 5th grade and above in the northern USA, but not in Southern schools who use the term ‘ciphering’ for all complex calculations.
2) Cousins. You sure have plenty of these. Some of them are also your brothers, grandparents, nephews and aunts.
3) Consists. Unlikely. Your prose is not going to display the attributes of consistency or cohesion until you learn to spell.

23 comments:

Adam said...

Hey, now, I spelled almost as many words correctly as I did incorrectly!

In other words, note to self: REMEMBER TO SPELL CHECK!

Actually, the relatives I was "visting" live up in the politically backward and technologically primitive North. (My grandmother uses AOL with a dial-up connection. That has rarely been heard of since 1996.)

Mark Gamon said...

Almost as many correct as incorrect! Can't argue with that logic, Vicus...

broomhilda said...

The wheel is spinning, but the hampster is dead...

Mark Gamon said...

Have just visited Adam's site. I think it's blinding. Possibly literally.

zoe said...

what about me me me ?

Mark Gamon said...

Errrrr... Zoe? Do you need spell-checking too?

Fireproof38 said...

Mark, sorry that my blog sucks even more than normal. I've usually only had time to write in it shortly after getting off of work, which is the worst possible time to write. Hopefully it will be up to only a moderate levely of crappiness soon.

Mark Gamon said...

It doesn't suck, Adam. It flashes. I rather like that. Sorry for the misunderstanding...

Geoff said...

A belated thank you, Vicus for getting my blog rolling (if that's the correct term). And for turning me on to Adam's awesome creation. I don't need a spell checker as I own a dictionary, but I could do with a punctuation checker if one exists in cyborg space.

Adam said...

OK, I posted the best entry to my blog in over two months (Translation: You should still want to live after reading it).

It's better because I spell/grammar checked it, but it's mostly improved because it has lots of material (funny pictures that aren't mine).

Dyna Girl said...

Adam's a sport, huh?

Vicus Scurra said...

He may well be a sport, but I am buggered if I can work out the aim of the game.

Adam said...

Flashes? I just realized that "flashes" probably isn't some kind of obscure British slang, but that my blog actually flashes when you view it.

How does this happen to you and never me? What kind of browser are you using? Is it a pop-up ad or an actual part of the site? Is their some kind of funny question I can end this post with to keep up with the humor/wit of this thread? (No)

Mark Gamon said...

Don't worry, Adam. I use IE, but I don't think it's the browser: just my perception of your idiosyncratic and youthful design style..

Vicus Scurra said...

Do worry, Adam. Mark is much too kind.
For "idiosyncratic and youthful" read "crap".

broomhilda said...

Adam, it flashes when I access it as well. I think you just like flashing people...you little perv...

zoe said...

mark, i can't spel to safe my live.

Mark Gamon said...

Zoe - but your site is at least flash-free. It has a twat, of course, which may be a greater handicap...

Mark Gamon said...

Am I talking to the right Zoe? I just checked and now I'm confused confused confused (runs to cpboard under stairs, sobbing like Craig in Big Brother)...

Mark Gamon said...

That's cupboard with a U, obviously. A typo not a spelling mistake, before Vicus spies the opening...

broomhilda said...

Mark,
stop that incessant whining!

CarolineM said...

Where is the old pedant anyway?

Boggins said...

It was worth getting a migraine just for the dynamite monkey picture. VGIWO. IMHO. LOL.