Thursday, September 13, 2007

One small schlep

It is with a heavy heart that I report the news that my old friends Theodore and Evadne Google have let success go to their heads, and are not in quite such a comfortable state of mental health as when I last saw them.
They have taken it into their heads to give away $30million to anyone who can land a functioning robot on the moon in the next five years. Twats. I would give them $5 if they could stop perverts looking for Barah Seeny or Ory Tamos naked coming to this site. I thought it odd that old Theo was always a tad vague when I spoke to him about this matter. I put it down to his being inundated with complaints from users of his web page, but now I see that his concentration was not on the matter in hand.
Let me make it clear to anyone tempted by this ludicrous offer (Adam, if you are still around, you know you are not allowed to play with anything sharper than play-doh) that it will cost you considerable more than 30 million to launch a space craft. The local bus (the Wheatley Express) charges more than £2 for the journey from Kingsley to Sleaford, so you can imagine the likely cost of a trip beyond the atmosphere.
The last time there was such excitement about discovery was when they were looking for the Atlantic route to the Indies. And look what trouble those silly fuckers caused.
My whole attitude to space travel, reinforced by the excessively uninformative series currently on the BBC fronted by another chap called Adam, is best summed up in the following little clip.


19 comments:

Michael J said...

What is the current BBC series about the moon, and do I sense skepticism?

I have some ideas myself and am curious what you know.

-Mike

Anonymous said...

I have rarely started a day on quite such a camp note. I just hope that suit doesn't start the flashbacks.

Vicus Scurra said...

Hello Michael and welcome - is this your first visit? I don't remember you being here before. The BBC series is about not just the moon, but the cosmos. It has so far taken several hours to explain that we know fuck all about it. Discerning readers of this website will spot that my underlying premise about everything is that human beings don't understand it.
Yes, yes, anonymous, look at the clothes and ignore the pigging message, why don't you?

homo escapeons said...

Well that's the sort of Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from this species. There IS bugger all down here, well not here, but on Earth.

This sort of ridiculously expensive Scientificky exploration makes me appreciate the frugality of the humble entymologists who ask for nothing more than a couple of beakers and a new set of tweezers.

Who cares about what type of cheese the moon is made of? Instead of wasting billions of Dollars trying to find out which type of cheese the Moon is made out of why not use that money to fix some of the sh*t down here first, well not here...

anyway how hard can it be to put a bloody robot on the moon.
It's not exactly rocket science!

Dave said...

(I quoted from that song earlier this year, having re-watched the film): 'Our amazing and expanding universe' sums up for me our desire, built into the very genes of those of us who breathe and have any spark of life in us (this excludes jaded old people like Vicus) to know what lies around the next corner.

I'd be chaplain to the first British expedition to Mars. If it weren't for the sad fact that I'll be dead before it happens (even though I'll only be 37 tomorrow).

I, like the view said...

more hints about the big day. . .

Rol Hirst said...

Who's Ory Tamos?

uberstrickenfrau said...

Oh, if only Monty Python ruled the world,nay, the universe! I might actually want to get up in the morning....

Hoosier said...

Leave it tot he Pythons to put things in their proper perspective! They'll give them $30 million for what will end up costing some poor sap 60 millino, then sell the damned thing to NASA for a billion.

Don't they already have two robots on Mars now?

Hoosier said...

Oops, that would be $60 million..not sure what millino is. Forgive me, public school and all.

broomhilda said...

Vicus,

You look quite smart in salmon, the bow tie must go though...
Your rapier like wit is in good form.

Reg Pither said...

I remember when children's friend Johnathan King invited us all to fly to the moon. Why, then, don't Google run a competition with a multi-million-pound prize for the first person to put him there? - it's what he and the rest of us want. Putting him on the Sleaford bus would be a start - one small ring 'n' ride for a man? - and so my £2 is winging its way to you.
As to space travel in general, the last line of the Galaxy Song says it all. I think really getting away from it all is vital because, on a personal note, I find Earth far too small for me AND Jeremy Clarkson.
Yours in a white wine sauce,
Reg.

Reg Pither said...

P.S. Can I have your liver now?

Richard said...

I have no knowledge of this series. I've just watched the rugby though and there didn't appear to be much intelligent life in Paris.

It may be £2 on the bus to Sleaford but surely if you're a pensioner - or if Gordon gets his way, over 60 - it's free as long as you've got a photocard? Either Stagecoach or Arriva will collar the lunar express franchise so if they wait a bit, they could actually make a few quid (won't be able to go anywhere on Sundays though).

Adam said...

Believe it or not, I have actually seen that clip before.

It is also my firm belief that we should send a ship up to the moon, carrying those who believe that the moon landing was a hoax. We can send something that has actual landing gear up a few decades later to start a real colony.

dbdue- The chorus to a popular jazz song. Pronounced "doo-bee doo-bee doooo."

Vicus Scurra said...

Adam, my dear friend, how nice to hear from you, indeed my nipples explode with delight. And of course we believe it.
And though I hate to temper my delight, I should point out to the rest of you that when Adam says "ship" he is not being literal, he means "spaceship". I am assured that "Methods of Transport 101" is a compulsory class at Elon College. (Only one letter away from Eton). This is so that the students do not try to get a ride on a mailbox.
Have you all read Adam's latest post? Full of the sordid details of a student party - jolly erotic. Someone gets to second base - they touch Adam's chest. What will that boy get up to next.

Adam said...

If by "touch," you mean "bite in public without asking and with my shirt still on," then you would be correct.

qvbim- The color that that spot on my chest later turned. It is usually only seen in third world nations.

Frontier Former Editor said...

It's bad enough with all the rumors that the moon landings were filmed on a soundstage in Houston, but with O.J.'s role in "Capricorn One," I hear NASA's about to sotm his jail cell and steal back those fake moon rocks they gave him . . . .

Frontier Former Editor said...

Last time I let Adam finish typing a message for me - that cell texting has rotted his brain.

storm, not sotm