Monday, April 19, 2010

Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards?

I found an article on somewhere on one of the UK broadsheets’ web sites decrying the absence of satire in the election campaign, and suggesting that today’s stock of politicians are so bland that they are not worth parodying. Of course, Boris is the exception which proves that particular rule. However, my attention has been drawn to a candidate in the south by my friend Steve, who recently relocated to Bath (pause for Rog to post customary pun). Step forward Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg, for it is he.

Those among you above the age of 12 will recall the name Rees-Mogg as being a distinguished editor of The Times. Well, the silly boy not only propagated Tory values but propagated at least two right steaming puddings as offspring. He has a daughter, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia (Stop this silliness now. Ed.). Just kidding! As if? Her name is Annunziata. Annunziata Rees-Mogg. She is also a Tory candidate. There are stories, and I cannot work out how much, if any, truth they contain, about Cameron suggesting that she call herself Nancy Mogg for fear that people found her name a tad bizarre. He may well have thought that a name redolent of homosexual cats would be a positive boost to her campaign, but I am not here to write about her, oh no!

Ms Rees-Mogg’s brother is the subject of this little essay, and I must confess to be jealous of the aforementioned Steve for having a noteworthy candidate. My lot are very dull.

Would you indulge me by checking out Jake on Wikipedia, please? I think you need to get some perspective on exactly how nutty he is. I could tell you, but you might think that I was exaggerating. Enjoy the names of the people and places mentioned there. You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?

May I now direct you to this web-site, created by a gentleman called Hadleigh Roberts? I would suggest that Mr Roberts merely wanted to direct attention away from his own rather quaint name, but I am not given to petty maliciousness. I prefer the larger variety. I hope that you all enjoy his work. I done a few lols. More importantly, I have learned that the real Rees-Mogg does not approve of this site, and hopes that it receives no publicity. I am sure that you will all make every effort to ensure that this happens.

14 comments:

Dave said...

I cannot understand why you have not stood for Parliament yourself.

Perhaps next time we can form a Bloggers and Facebook party, and harvest the millions of online supporters we would undoubtedly attract.

I, Like The View said...

if your invitation for the wry smug to bugger you had been written either just before or after half four yesterday morning, I might have attriuted the wiki- article ("This page was last modified on 18 April 2010 at 04:27.") to your good self, Vicus

alas there is not enough evidence for anyone to tie the two together (not from where I sit, anyhow)

Christopher said...

I wondered how long it would be before you turned your attention to this particular energumen. But let him be given credit for a) the longest noun clause (interview with Ali G.) in the history of miscegenation, b) effortless provision of parody material and c) long-awaited raising of the profile of nannies in Scotland. These are rare gifts.

Tim Footman said...

“I do wish you wouldn’t keep going on about my nanny. If I had a valet you’d think it was perfectly normal.” Glorious.

MarkG said...

Thank you for getting me interested again. I can always rely on you to smoke out the madmen.

Nice background, by the way. Mountains. Or waves. I'm not sure, but they're very pretty.

Richard said...

Biggus Dickus.

Rog said...

This brings back the halcyon days of "Dear Bill".

Although Gordon has left us with a dear bill of several trillion pounds.....

Geoff said...

I thought de Chair was the sitting MP.

anna said...

hello darling, i'm back. i've started writing again via blogosphere.
love and miss you
anna
http://www.askforthemoon-arwriter.blogspot.com

Mel said...

Dear Vicus
I've met Annunziata and she is a good lady - no taking the mick!

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. I can't stand parliament.
ILTV. I seldom bother to update wikipedia. I prefer to think that this blog is the primary source of knowledge.
Christopher. I agree. There is a shortage of nutters. We should cherish them.
Tim. It is exceptionally good, isn't it? I'm surprised there are not more people fooled into believing that it is genuine.
Mark. I have no problems with my background being investigated.
Richard. Correct.
Rog. Yes, I think it is up to that standard.
Geoff. I think you are mistaking yourself for Rog.
Anna! Darling! She's back! I will be over soon to lower the tone.
Mel. I have met my former MP, young Arbuthnot. He is a pleasant, decent , industrious and humourous man, but he is still a bloody Tory. I shall not desist from calling people twats just because you have met them. Am I supposed to get a list of your acquaintances and scan them before I am allowed to lambast anyone? She's a bloody Tory candidate. At best she can only be a moron, even if she is nice.

arwriter said...

http://askforthemoon-arwriter.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-fackin-love-british.html

ian said...

Hahahahaha ... Mr Roberts' efforts recall the halcyon days of Mrs Wilson's Diary (which I am old enough to remember) while the Wikipedia entry is clearly a rough draft for a character in "Vile Bodies" discarded by Waugh as too proposterous.
LOL at Christopher. *Goes off to look up energumen*
I have insufficient malice but more than enough pedantry to query your use of maliciousness.

dinahmow said...

Ah, dear Vicus(and your tongue-lolling commenters)...it warms the cockles of this not-so-young heart to see flashes of under-grad brilliance here.
So far removed (thank god!)from Whitehall politics down here, I rely on you.