For those of you not fortunate enough to live in this blessed area of the world, I thought I should tell you about my options in the forthcoming election, or “Choose a Tosser Day”, as I call it.
Although I live in North East Hampshire, due to boundary changes I am now part of the East Hampshire constituency. This makes a huge difference. One is an ultra safe Conservative seat, the other is a Conservative seat which is ultra-safe.
Until today, I was unaware of who the candidates were. I have had two leaflets from the Tories, and one from Labour. I have seen no campaigners, although the countryside is littered with large placards bearing the persuasive motto “Conservative”. There seems to be no definitive website which lists the official candidates.
I had an earlier email from David Cameron, to which I replied “sod off you slimy lickspittle”.
Here they all are. It is like being asked what shade of black you would like your cyanide tablet to be.
Adam Carew. Liberal Democrats. A right wing party who are currently popular because no one much has heard of them, and some think they may offer something different.
Jane Edbrooke. Labour. A right wing party virtually indistinguishable from the Conservatives, but they won’t be elected here because there used to be a party of that name who were vaguely left-wing, and people in Hampshire have long memories. At least they remember “We always vote Conservative”.
Damian Hinds. Conservative. A right wing party who always win in East Hampshire. He is so complacent he even managed to answer my email.
Hugh McGuiness. UKIP. A right wing party even more right wing than the preceding three. I might vote for them, because they only have one policy, which is withdrawal from Europe. If they succeed by, say, Christmas, there will be no more government for four years until the next election.
Matt Williams. English Democrats. Well done! Right wing loonies who prove it is possible to be even more right wing that UKIP, without actually calling yourself BNP.
Don Jerrard. The Justice & Anti-Corruption Party. I can find nothing about him or them. I suspect that they may be right-wing.
I will keep you updated on more candidates – BNP, “Hitler was too soft”, “British Anti-Nigger”, “Fuckwit Braindead Mailreading Arsehole Party” and any others that may come along.
Do not fret for me, I am accustomed to being effectively disenfranchised. Please just indulge me for a minute or two, while I quietly mutter “fuck, fuck, fuck, fucketty fucking fuck, fuck fuck. Fuckers. Fuck.”