Thursday, April 22, 2010

It is still no excuse for bollocky bad language

For those of you not fortunate enough to live in this blessed area of the world, I thought I should tell you about my options in the forthcoming election, or “Choose a Tosser Day”, as I call it.

Although I live in North East Hampshire, due to boundary changes I am now part of the East Hampshire constituency. This makes a huge difference. One is an ultra safe Conservative seat, the other is a Conservative seat which is ultra-safe.

Until today, I was unaware of who the candidates were. I have had two leaflets from the Tories, and one from Labour. I have seen no campaigners, although the countryside is littered with large placards bearing the persuasive motto “Conservative”. There seems to be no definitive website which lists the official candidates.

I had an earlier email from David Cameron, to which I replied “sod off you slimy lickspittle”.

Here they all are. It is like being asked what shade of black you would like your cyanide tablet to be.

Adam Carew. Liberal Democrats. A right wing party who are currently popular because no one much has heard of them, and some think they may offer something different.
Jane Edbrooke. Labour. A right wing party virtually indistinguishable from the Conservatives, but they won’t be elected here because there used to be a party of that name who were vaguely left-wing, and people in Hampshire have long memories. At least they remember “We always vote Conservative”.
Damian Hinds. Conservative. A right wing party who always win in East Hampshire. He is so complacent he even managed to answer my email.
Hugh McGuiness. UKIP. A right wing party even more right wing than the preceding three. I might vote for them, because they only have one policy, which is withdrawal from Europe. If they succeed by, say, Christmas, there will be no more government for four years until the next election.
Matt Williams. English Democrats. Well done! Right wing loonies who prove it is possible to be even more right wing that UKIP, without actually calling yourself BNP.
Don Jerrard. The Justice & Anti-Corruption Party. I can find nothing about him or them. I suspect that they may be right-wing.

I will keep you updated on more candidates – BNP, “Hitler was too soft”, “British Anti-Nigger”, “Fuckwit Braindead Mailreading Arsehole Party” and any others that may come along.

Do not fret for me, I am accustomed to being effectively disenfranchised. Please just indulge me for a minute or two, while I quietly mutter “fuck, fuck, fuck, fucketty fucking fuck, fuck fuck. Fuckers. Fuck.”


Rol said...

I'm considering voting for you.

But... how Right Wing are you?

(My WV is grope. Heh. Like... grope.)

Zed said...

Never vote for Vicus. He's a Communist.

Vicus Scurra said...

Communists? Bunch of right wingers.
Rol. How right wing would you like me to be?

Rol said...

So far right, you ended up back at left.

Richard said...

I have had a leaflet from the UKIP. Their most pressing concern according to this communication is not withdrawal from Europe (even Nigel Farage on Jezza Vine this morning had to concede that the £2m plus he's had out of Brussels over the past 11 years has kept rather a lot of people employed) but "Mass Immigration". UKIP is the BNP for people who still use the term "Darkies".

Dave said...

Ah, Mass Immigration. All those Catholics coming over here with their strange ways.

arwriter said...

i for one would love to have my cyanide tablet to be so black it's blue. and in all sincerity, it seems that would be an easier choice to make then the candidates we have over here...ugh.

I, Like The View said...

whatever happened to The Monster Raving Loony Party? that's what I want to know

Christopher said...

Come and live in France, Vicus, and none of this will ever trouble you again.

MarkG said...

You forgot to mention the Whigs.

kyknoord said...

Everyone is so right, there's nobody left to choose. At least you're getting into the spirit of being soundly screwed with that catchy mantra at the end.

Sarah Louise said...

This is one of my favourite blogs, definitely.
And here in SW Surrey it is sadly similar.
I am constantly muttering your appropriate and catchy closing refrain

Z said...

My son has registered to vote where he's recently moved to (he was already registered here) simply to get the opportunity to help vote out the sitting MP. I don't think he's bothered which party it is, it's just ousting one of the incumbents that takes his fancy.

Vicus Scurra said...

Rol. Yes. You will be up against the wall for that comment.

Richard. What about those who say "coloured" - are they represented?

Dave. That was very good. It is in your area of expertise, however.

Anna. Yes, we get 6 fucking idiots, whereas you usually only have two.

ILTV. They changed their name to Conservative.

Christopher. Much as I hate to quibble, if I lived in a country whose neighbours elected a Tory government, I would not rest easy.

Mark. Whigs. Bunch of right-wingers.

Kyknoord. Welcome! You won't find any candidates for your local elections this far north. Bit like me then.

Sarah Louise. Welcome! I am not sure that sort of language is allowed in Surrey.

Z. Your son sounds like a troublemaker. Well done!

ziGGi said...

truly blue

ziGGi said...


Sarah Louise said...

In fact, to my surprise, a leftie independent candidate has emerged in SW Surrey. Fortunately for him he has a sense of humour e.g his name is Arthur Price, and his twitter address is @arfprice.
Furthermore, in certain circles in SW Surrey such language as you articulate has become almost de rigeur. Admittedly these circles are rather small.