Monday, November 08, 2010

Keep the bloody noise down

I am interested to read that my friends in Geneva have created a “mini big bang”. Overlooking the preposterous notion that something can be both “mini” and “big” (pause while some smartarse constructs some justification), I would like to consider the implications of this. Perhaps they are attempting to create a smaller scale universe, in the hope that this one is just as successful as ours, and that in 13.7 billion years, give or take 5 minutes, we will have miniature versions of Michael Gove and Janet Street-Porter. I can hardly wait. 
In fact, I doubt whether I will bother. Despite my healthy and active lifestyle, I have no desire to live beyond my allotted term. It has been, continues to be and looks likely to be a blast, and all in all has exceeded expectations. 
Anyway, if you are in the market from some quark-gluon plasma, then hop on over to Switzerland and grab a couple of barrels full. I will not be joining you. I am in the market for some kitchen tiles, this being one of the consequences of matrimony, and can only cope with so much excitement. 
The exciting news from the LHC is overshadowed in most of the media by some controversy involving a programme on the electric television called the “X Factor”. I have never seen this programme, require no information about it, know little about the participants other than knowing that it seems a waste to have a large collider used for smashing together particles when there is such a huge quantity of dull matter begging to be obliterated by collisions at speeds approaching that of light.
We are told that: "This process took place in a safe, controlled environment generating incredibly hot and dense sub-atomic fireballs with temperatures of over 10 trillion degrees, a million times hotter than the centre of the Sun.” In other words, Guy Fawkes Night for Nerds.


Zig said...

I would also like some new kitchen tiles, both the wall and the floor variety.

I'd quite like a big bang too, even a mini one.

Richard said...

I have never seen X-Factor although I have seen some of the popular press in the newsstands. I believe there is someone on it this year called Wanker. I may have got this wrong.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zig. You could tell me the colours of the tiles, and it would not register.
Richard. What did I say about not wanting to know anything about it?

english inukshuk said...

so, you're telling me that if you were single you wouldn't need kitchen tiles?

(I'm still absorbing the other wonderful facts in your writings, so I may be confused about the kitchen tiles issue - if so, please forgive me)

Dave said...

I too have never seen the X-Factor, but it is reassuring to know that it takes place in a safe, controlled environment.

I do not need any kitchen tiles.

Vicus Scurra said...

English. I don't need kitchen tiles. I am fairly sure that life would continue without them.
Dave. Are you sure? Are you leaving that unsightly wall that you have been telling us about untiled? Or are kitchen tiles unsuitable for outdoors. Please do not leave us with more questions than answers.

Richard said...

It is very difficult trying to do contemporary humour when nobody gets the references. I'm 50 in 6 weeks yet I feel so young.

Rol said...

Have you been on holiday? Or did you pop over to Switzerland to research this story in person?

FirstNations said...

Nobody every writes news stories about my particle collider. I have gluons and neutrinos and ions piling up like you wouldn't believe. We've had to build a shed in back for them.
Another shed, I mean. I already have one shed but my lawnmower is in there.
This could lead to unfortunate Monty Python references so I'll just stop now.

brokenbiro said...

I'd like 47,364 tiles please, various colours. I especially like those ones which have the shapes of little fossils glazed into them.

And remember children - NEVER go back to a universe once lit