Thursday, February 24, 2011

Calm down.

A report in a reputable newspaper (oxymoron) this morning reports that the leading factors in risking a heart attack are drugs, overeating, anger and sex.

I am concerned for my readership. Many will be very cross to hear about these risks, thereby qualifying for the last criterion.

Please stop what you are doing – there is no need to shove so much in your mouth – and, gently chewing (remember to chew each mouthful 40 times) a small lentil rissole, read an improving journal, such as this one.

I hope that this helps.

12 comments:

Dave said...

Good thing I lead such a pure life then.

Z said...

It is a tradition in my family to die of a heart attack. Now that I see the main risk indicators, I see how likely it is that I shall go the same way, probably quite soon.

Vicus Scurra said...

I don't think it matters whether the cocaine is 100% pure or mixed with "Boots 'Lady of Leisure' talcum powder". I would advise beginning Lent early this year, Dave.

Vicus Scurra said...

Z. Soon? I have so much advice to offer. Please wait until the end of the week before kicking off this mortal coil.

english inukshuk said...

being very cross qualifies me for sex (the last criterion)?

wonders will never cease

but thanks for the interesting pointer (oh, and also for the advice to eat a small deep fried pastry item - rather lentils than Mars Bars)

Christopher said...

Suddenly I don't feel at all well. Would you be good enough to pass me the smelling salts?

MJ said...

*throws donut at Vicus*

Vicus Scurra said...

Christopher. I am not sure which drug classification smelling salts fall into, but I would counsel against their habitual use. Try lying down and have someone fan you with a collection of Emily Dickinson poetry.

Vicus Scurra said...

MJ. Is it one of those delicious bhang donuts you were talking about? I will have to ask you for the recipe and find out what bhang means.

Geoff said...

I have never taken cannabis but I've heard it leads to two of the other factors so must be the most dangerous drug around.

Scarlet Blue said...

If I give up drugs and over eating can I still have angry sex. I like to compromise.
Sx

Clairious Miss said...

I must be the walking dead.