Monday, September 24, 2012


I have been encouraged by a young gentleman, who, in order to protect the innocent, I shall merely refer to as Steve Lovering, to write to a chap who has recently been under the spotlight from our intolerant press.

I was pleased to compose this message to Andrew Mitchell, the government chief whip.


I read in good old Bill Deedes's Telegraph about your current tribulations with the fuzz. 

When I was a lad, somewhat younger than you are now (I am guessing - unless the massive responsibility you carry as a member of Her Majesty's government has aged you 30 years), I, too, was falsely accused and spent several hours in the company of some uppity young whippersnappers at Crewe nick. 

Their manners and general demeanour was somewhat short of that displayed by good old George Dixon, who was still appearing weekly on the electric television at that time.

Fearful for my safety, I played dumb, and adopted the air of one for whom the modern world was completely baffling, and before midnight they let me out (although they didn't give me a lift home).

My advice would be to do the same in dealings with them. If you are not sure how to "act dumb", then at the next cabinet meeting observe messrs Gove or Hunt and follow their lead.

I have never had any altercations with the Met, who I believe are somewhat suspect, despite the efforts of dear old Bob Mark the Goodyear tyre salesman. I applaud your efforts to put them in their place. These people are public servants after all. I am disappointed to learn that they did not offer you a lift in a Z car.

Stick to your guns, there's a good chap.

I shall be very upset, however, to hear that you have broken a bone or two falling down the stairs at Bow Street.

Yours for good old fashioned decency and keeping the commoners in their place,



Teresa Evangeline said...

You can imagine my disappointment when, after reading your title, I arrived to find the conversation steered in a governmental direction. A whipping post of another nature.

Vicus Scurra said...

I did it merely to draw in those with a perverse nature, thinking that they might benefit from my wisdom. I am sorry to see you amongst them.

FirstNations said...

Then you must count me among them also; and color me dissappointed as well. It is a color distinctly lacking in phooar.

Vicus Scurra said...

FN. We are not at home to Mrs Innuendo.

Tim Footman said...

This whole government is distinctly lacking in phooar. If, by December, we do not hear of – at the very least – a minister of state being admitted to A&E with a statue of the Virgin Mary implanted in the more tender geographies of his person – I shall seriously consider not voting Conservative at the next election.

Zig said...

When you drew me in I hope you used a Montblanc, we're not home to Mr Plebby Bic.

Z said...

I was completely distracted by mention of a Z car. But that was such charmingly friendly advice, Vicus darling, that I'd have been disarmed in any case. Not that I use a whip under any circumstances.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tim, I know that you reside in distant climes, but please try to keep up. The only thing that is keeping the NHS going is the sale of items removed from the recta of the parliamentary Tory party.

Zig. It matters little what I used when I drew you, my hand kept shaking.

Zoe - were they named after you? Z Victor one to BD - that was your catchphrase. I expect you are too young to remember it all.

Teresa Evangeline said...

That's Ms. Innuendo.

Z said...

Now I'm in my anecdotage, it's all come flooding back. I'm disconcerted to find that I remember everything.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Vicus! I thought they insisted on hacienda-style nicks these days, without all those pesky and routinely-dangerous stairs? Tho as a traditionalist, I'd be delighted to see them exercise their duty and give this Tory ne'erdowell a good kicking. Roth

NobblySan said...

Hurrah! Damn fine advice, Sir.

I suspect though, that there is good money to be made here. I see a TV series, featuring two comedians.....

That Mitchell and Pleb Look.