I don't remember eating that

For those of you inclined to criticise the scientific community for lack of purposeful research let me point out that their latest idea is a literal goldmine.

My friends at the BBC News report:

Gold in faeces 'worth millions'

Highlights of their report include:

US researchers are investigating ways to extract the gold and precious metals from human faeces.

 

The good news is that they will wait for it to be excreted.

Extracting metals from the waste could also help curb the release of toxic substances into the environment.

In addition to gold and silver, human waste also contains amounts of rare earth metals such as palladium and vanadium.

The scientists are experimenting with some of the same chemicals, called leachates, which industrial mining operations use to pull metals out of rock.

While some of these leachates have a bad reputation for damaging ecosystems when they leak or spill into the environment … in a controlled setting - they could safely be used to recover metals in treated solid waste.

In a previous study, another team of scientists calculated that the waste from one million Americans could contain as much as $13m (£8.6m) worth of metals.

Yes, we can solve so many problems at once; find useful employment for the indolent masses, finance the entire waste recycling industry. The most prolific producers could be identified and paid a bonus for extra output. Who says capitalism doesn’t work? And never mind this nonsense about the dangers of leachates – we should all by now have full confidence in the corporate world to make safety and care for the environment the priorities.

I believe there is some talk of a political event this summer.

The other day some passing nitwit left a pamphlet and a business card in my letterbox. The business card was from "UK Independance Party"

I felt obliged to reply to this kindness and have sent the following email 

I have replaced the gentleman's name with that of a common friend. 

Yo! Plevneliev

I bet you cannot guess how delighted I was to receive your leaflet and business card the other day. Mainly of course because there is no reliable empirical measure of delight and even if there were, because you do not know me nor anything about me, I could still safely bet on your not knowing.

The first thing that struck me was that you had spelt the name of your party incorrectly on your business card. It is very clever of Nige to have a party that could be nicely abbreviated – it covers up the spelling deficiencies of so many members – proving, were it needed, that he is a talented political activist and not some grinning, knuckle dragging halfwit.

Of course, to many of us, the Conservative party is the “C” party, but I do not want to make this all about abbreviations.

I did not read the whole of your tract to check for other errors as I am occasionally prone to nausea but those sections that I did read impressed me with their coherence.

Now it would be churlish of me to refuse to vote for you because of a typographical error and that is not the reason that you will not be getting my support. You will not be getting my support because you represent a group of people who appeal to a very base and nasty section of the electorate. Yours is the party most likely to attract racists, a party riddled with xenophobia and a party marching ignorantly onwards towards a culture of scapegoating and divisiveness. We are faced with global problems that will only be solved by unity, peace and cooperation; UKIP is going in the opposite direction.

So, Plevneliev, my dear old cucumber (I understand that pickled cucumber is favoured in Romanian cuisine – have you tried it? Perhaps we can open a Slavic restaurant in Frith End or Dockenfield?), it is not too late to come to your senses and abandon these silly people you have cajoled you into a foolish alliance. Not that it would make much difference really, as North East Hampshire would vote Tory even if they had an inbred nincompoop as candidate. Is Damian standing again?

You will note that I have not made this personal – I have not accused you of racism or xenophobia. I have no personal quarrel with you, and wish you well. Should I encounter you as I skip merrily down the byways of North East Hampshire I will bid you a sincere “Good day”. However, if you or your potty friends knock on my door soliciting my support, particularly if there is a good cricket or rugby game on at the time, you will be greeted with a variation on the theme of “Bugger off, you stupid bastards”.

Love and peace

Scurra