Monday, August 13, 2007

I am not mad

My dear friend Mike asks whether anyone has noticed a downturn in the number of visitors to their blog. Well, I haven’t checked for a while, but as I haven’t written anything since Stanley Matthews was still playing, then I would not be a bit surprised.

I could tell you, and probably will, some of the things that have been upsetting me these last few days, but am considering whether there would be any benefit, other than a gratuitous display of honesty, in visiting all of those who upset me, and telling them to their face exactly where they are going wrong. I am not sure whether I share Wowbagger’s propensity for immortality. So far I have lived for a good many years, and not died once, so using the logic that my science teachers instilled in me, it seems likely that I will live for ever, However I am not sure whether the energy required to be expended in visiting all of those sentient beings who are in need of being put right by me would be worth it. I recognise that hiding in this obscure corner of cyberspace, disguised by an alias, and shouting that everyone is as daft as a canyon full of brushes is not the most noble of activities, but it suits me.

Rather than pour bile on humanity this evening (I really don’t know where to start), let me discuss marzipan. The creation of marzipan is one of the proofs of the existence of God. Human beings have not yet reached the level of intelligence where they could concoct something so crap on their own, only a supreme deity, and a supreme deity with a twisted sense of humour and too much time on his hands (the hands may be metaphorical, I am not privy to the physical characteristics of the creator of the universe. He, she, it or them may be devoid of matter, or they could be posing as that spider you just nearly trod on. It doesn’t really matter). When this age of darkness ends, and I am left to merge into infinite bliss in the golden age, there will be no messing about with food. Nuts will be eaten separately from anything else, occasionally added to a savoury dish, but never added to cakes or sweet dishes. It just is not right. I am not a vain person, I only suspect how wonderful and wise I am because people tell me that it is so, but should there be a flaw in my character then it is due to the trauma of having marzipan added to cakes when I was a young child. Cake I could understand and enjoy. And the idea of covering it with icing seemed logical, but then some prize tit inserted a layer of marzipan between the two. In the name of buggery, why? Go on, explain it to me. I bet you can’t.

26 comments:

Dave said...

I'm right behind you in your campaign to have marzipan removed from cakes.

Have you organised a petition on the Downing Street website?

Is your mate Boris using marzipan as the foundation of his campaign for mayor?

homo escapeons said...

Now, now.
I understand that Marzipanic attacks are quite common in the UK.
The situation has been rectified here in Canada since the 'powers that be' substituted the useless fluoride in the water for Amaretto in the late 90s in order to equalize the epidemic of tooth decay in Quebec with the rest of Canada.

This procedure was instituted after a study that was leaked by the Ordre des Dentistes du Qu├ębec, found that H'inglish children require far more Marzipanium, (sugar, more sugar, crushed almonds, and sugar) than they were getting from the fast food industry and school cafeterias. Bastards!

The price of fluoride has doubled to $566 per tonne since Hurricane Katrina upset the production facilities on the Gulf Coast so the program has paid for itself according to the Minister of Health, Generalisimo Disaronno.

KAZ said...

Marzipan is a bit like politics.
There are Marzipan lovers (me) and marzipan haters (you).

Just like there must be a person somewhere who loves BoJo - I'm the one who loves the marzipan. I give away the rest of the cake.

ziggi said...

I like nuts in cakes, I'm particularly fond of banana and walnut loaf.

Vicus Scurra said...

At last. A worthwhile debate on this site. Thank you all for your contributions.
Dave, Downing Street come here to find out what is going down.
Donn. You fit in quite nicely here.
Kaz, Ziggi, you will learn.

Rol Hirst said...

Peel it all off and send it to my nephew. He only eats the marzipan.

(And before you ask, he's 31.)

Martha Craig said...

Lovely Vicus, you always make me happy when you visit my corner, and I did a veritable laugh out loud (even when I try I just can't "lol").

However, you're wrong about marzipan. Without marzipan we wouldn't have almond croissants, and without them I'd be dead.

A tenuous link I know, but I think it fits in nicely.

Vicus Scurra said...

Seems that we have opinions divided along gender lines.
Apart from Rol's nephew.
Rol, and I say this in a concerned and entirely non-judgemental way, do you have any worries about him? I have nephews - they are always a cause of unease.

Geoff said...

Marzipan is the only yellow food I'll eat.

Bananas are revolting.

Vicus Scurra said...

Geoff! You must be Rol's nephew. What a coincidence! Good luck with the gender reorientation classes.

zoe said...

marzipan is the devil's spawn. it is sickly, sweet and utterly revolting. calorie counters invented it, i'm sure.

now nuts are great in just about anything. i put pine nuts on top of my salads, goats cheese and walnut salad is delicious and nuts in cakes are great - if i ate cake. but when i do, it's great. carrot cake with walnuts - delicious.

Rol Hirst said...

My biggest cause of concern has always been that he's only 4 years younger than me.

It's tough being an uncle at junior school.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe! Darling! You started off so well, but by the time I got to "carrot cake" I began to feel very ill indeed.
You do not, ever, even as a joke, put vegetables in cake.

zoe said...

vicus, darling, why ever not ? is it this bloke thing about disliking vegetables to an extent that carrot cake can no longer exist ?

Vicus Scurra said...

No, Zoe, it is not a bloke thing about disliking vegetables. Perish the thought. It is a bloke thing about mixing food stuffs. Vegetables are savoury and cakes are sweet. Do not mix the two. The balance of the universe is already precarious enough.

Dave said...

Vicus: would you like to tell us what to do with a sweet potato?

Without being rude, of course.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, put it on the compost heap, or find a woman to eat it.
Try sending it to Zoe. She would probably eat it with nuts, cranberries, ginger yoghourt and chocolate.

Dave said...

This must give you a warm feeling, Vicus; of all the wise words you've shared with us over the years, 'marzipan' seems to be the one that attracts the most interest.

spentrails said...

Ginger yoghurt??? Where can I get some of that?

zoe said...

oh yes, i love sweet potatoes - send me loads. when on a cookery course in phuket, dear vicus, i'll have you know that we made a sweet soup from sweet potatoes and coconut milk.

you really are a philistine, aren't you ?

Arabella said...

Marzipan is lovely. It's a pretty colour, you can roll it and squidge it, stick apricot jam to it, bake it and turn it into delicious frangipani. Yum.
But then I can't name a piece of cake that I'd turn down. I'm a marzipan whooer that's me.

Vicus Scurra said...

You see, despite Dave's little dig at the triviality of this thread, we have conclusive proof that the main difference between men and women is in the indiscriminate mixing of foods that is characteristic of those of the female persuasion.
I am not saying that they are wrong, or that there is anything about their lack of discrimination that smacks of arbitrariness, simply that they are different from us. You know, the normal half of the population.
Only Rol's nephew bucks this trend. Send him over here, Rol, let's see if we can't put him right.

Richard said...

For a moment I thought you were going to laud the wretched stuff. I was once married to a 50% German so we were regularly inundated with the stuff. I think they mine it somewhere near Luneberg. It is only marginally better than cauliflower in the hierarchy of punishment foods.

tom909 said...

Oh my, every time things get divided on gender lines, I have to face the fact I am a bit girly. Don't get me wrong, I don't fancy blokes, but I am OK with carrot cake, and I quite like middle class salads too.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, I have been telling you for years to get in contact with your feminine side, and am pleased that you have heeded my advice at long last. There is nothing to be ashamed at in sharing interests with our lady friends, indeed I take a great interest in all matters to do with interior design colour schemes. But, old friend, don't take it too far. You remember last time, and how much pain that caused.

Reg Pither said...

I'm with you on marzipan but must take issue with a couple of other points.
1. Despite your claim, you did, in fact, die in 1972 - remember?
2. You claim only a supreme deity could create something as crap as marzipan. Well, Paul Daniels' parents would take issue with you on that. He proves there is no God.