Monday, December 17, 2007

Seasonal quiz

You can find out for yourselves by searching the internet why the lady was striking matches aboard a plane, but I doubt whether you will find out the reason behind these statements:

She was carrying safety matches, which the TSA allows in carry-on luggage. The matches are not allowed to be struck, however.

This year’s seasonal competition – it is in several parts – first prize “bugger all” – is to determine what the TSA thinks passengers will do with unstruck matches, then to decide what "TSA" stands for, and finally to see whether you can smuggle a gun on board by insisting that you are not going to fire it. Once you have got through that part of the test, I need to you to move to an unrelated matter, although points will be awarded for finding a connection, which is the problem confronting my friends at LiveScience.com, which is to determine why pubic hairs are curly. Do they know for a fact that all pubic hairs are curly? In order to pose their initial question I would ask for evidence to support the argument. Have any of you had anyone who may have been a scientist probing your nether regions (not you, Adam, wait a few years) recently? My memory is not what it was, but I don’t think that I have been researched. She told me her name was Penelope Cruz, and I believed her. Anyway, they know the components that cause the curliness, but not why there is a need for it. Any suggestions? Finally, can you come up with a suitable name for the newly born eighth in line to the British throne?

When you have tired of all of that, try this little quiz that requires less imagination but more erudition. I think Dave publicised it recently, thank you Dave or whoever else it was – I have been told about it from several sources – but have a go. If, like me, you have just been listening to Uxbridge English Dictionary on ISIHAC, then I would give it a few minutes.

28 comments:

Richard said...

Haven't a clue. Most of life is a mystery to me. A similar story from a couple of months ago: A medical centre in Congleton used to provide knitting needles and wool for the patients to use while waiting to knit stuff for the prem baby unit. Deeming the needles to be a hazard, they were only made available on request. I think it's Simon Carr, the political sketch writer, who has a big downer on the verb "to deem".

As for pubes: pull a straight hair out of your pizza topping and you can just about live with the mistake. Pull a curly one out and you'll never go back. That, as far as I can see, is the only use.

Colin, Prince of Swindon. Like most things, he'll be a disappointment to his prick of a father.

Richard said...

Correction: they weren't waiting to knit stuff for the prem baby unit, the patients were already waiting, the product of their knitting endeavours while doing so being destined for said unit. Understood?

Dyna Girl said...

My bet is that pubic hair is to keep debris out of your genitals and curly hair is a better debris trap. I have, for the record, seen one patch of straight pubic hair.

I love FreeRice. My wrok blocks the site, and that is a crock of shit because my students would love to sit and play and it would be so goooooooooood for their noggins.

homo escapeons said...

I agree with dyna girl.

Our netherlands have only recently been covered and for the majority of our time on Earth our hair has protected us from numerous harmful intrusions..
UV rays, insects and debris, as well as trapping bacteria who dine upon our cells and whose emissions transmit tantalizing subliminal scents to prospective mates. MMM.

Curly, coarse, hair covers more area and forms a stronger, interlocking, net...
not that there is anything wrong with a little 'manscaping'.

Dave said...

It wasn't I who publicised the site - I only found it when you alerted me to its presence on Facebook yesterday.

Since that time I have donated several tons of rice.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. Thank you for entering into the spirit. Those other children are far too serious. Do they think I am going to award points for clever science based answers? They don't know me very well do they?
Donn. Thank you for not providing pictures.
Dave means:
smartarse
cleverbritches
swot
bighead.

Dave said...

swot

Richard said...

I first saw freerice on Auntie Marianne's site about a month ago. I must go back.

ziggi said...

the matches are for knitting pubic hairs into babies while waiting to land...

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Ziggi, we needed someone to restore a level of silliness to this thread.

homo escapeons said...

OK, so I phoned Richard Reid, aka the Shoe Bomber, and asked him why you can carry matches on the plane but you can't strike them, and he said,
"now 'ow the fock wuz oy sipposed to know that? Oim not a bloody pirate..er..
wot's ee called....
the feller wot floys the fockin' airployne!"

I, like the view said...

during the knitting on planes ban (after 9/11) when knitters were not allowed to use proper needles, I knitted very tiny items with cocktail sticks and some fine mohair. . .

it is also possible to knit with pencils, and presumably attack stewards and stewardesses - but pencils were not banned

I, like the view said...

(and on the subject of pubes, mine are kind of wavy, but the recent new white additions are dead straight - makes the plucking of them much easier, I have found)

Vicus Scurra said...

Oh dear. We will be getting pictures next.

zoe said...

it's nice to see that your readers haven't gone the 'brazilian' way yet.

homo escapeons said...

Now, now, Vicus.
It is a well established tradition within the upper echelons of society, that a proper Lady is vigilant in maintaining appearances, and it is understood that the carpeting must match the draperies.

Vicus Scurra said...

Zoe, don't go giving them ideas, you know how impressionable they are.
Donn. You know so little. Our royal family, may God bless them, have no pubic hair whatsoever. That is how you can recognise them.

Pamela said...

Vicus darling, I can't (read: won't) comment on your question regarding matters of intimate follicle growth.

Howeer, I do have one question: My husband wishes to know why we're receiving junk mail from overseas with pictures of odd women on them?

Vicus Scurra said...

Beats me, Pam. I would have thought that odd women was one commodity for which there was no shortage chez vous.

Pamela said...

Ah sweetie, I do so love you. you make me laugh, and that as been in short supply here of late.

Thank you. And thanks for the card.

smooches

I, like the view said...

you'd like pictures? but you've already done a tasteless xmas card, so you'd have no use for them. . .

(acutally, I quite liked the card! thanks - dead robins, decorated with straight white hairs and squashed chick peas on their way)

and yes, Brazilians have their appeal - has made the top slot on my list of New Year's Rez's

Vicus Scurra said...

I,LTV, as a general rule I would avoid using the words "Brazilian" and "slot" in the same sentence.

The nicest thing anyone said about the card so far came from my dear old friend Richard in Australia:
"Pity there was no tits"

Anonymous said...

God it's a worry... is this really what passes for blogging these days?

I too, like Pamela, have today received something deeply disturbing in the post. You would have thought that the "NO JUNK MAIL" sign would have warned the postie.

Anonymous said...

Crap. I'm NOT anonymous. Stupid thing wouldn't let me sign off.

Yours,
The Honourable Caroline Biscuit-Tin-Willllllson.

Vicus Scurra said...

Ah! The great snarling antipodean she-walrus comes sliming her hulk over the comments page. The Kiwi Kiddie Kicker spews her sulphurous stomach contents with no concern for the feelings of others. Get back to your warthog farm! Yes! This is what passes for blogging FOR THOSE OF US WHO MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT. Where's your blog these days, or did you acidic finger tips melt the keyboard? Yes, my readers may be intellectually challenged, have the wit and wisdom of John Selwyn Gummer, the charisma of Leon Brittan and the writing style of a dyslexic Jeffrey Archer, but at least they try. And I am here to encourage and nurture them, and protect them from your bitterness and bile.
Anyway, darling, lovely to hear from you, have a very happy Christmas.

Chris said...

Surely curly hairs are warmer? Like on a sheep? It seems like the decent thing to do would be to shave them off and donate them to the premature babies' unit of a certain medical centre at Congleton, there to be fashioned into minute little bonnets to keep the poor tykes warm until they grow into economy-class airline passengers, the poor bastards.

Better than wasting it on the kind of pizza topping you find pubes in.

Vicus Scurra said...

Welcome Chris. How nice it is to have a new student. I had a quick glance at your blog, and will go back later, and I enjoyed your in depth assessment of John Howard. If your thesis is of that calibre, then no worries, mate.
Anyway, it is nice to have some academic debate. It may be that curly hairs are warmer, but why would that part of the body need to be hotter than the others? In my limited experience, I would suggest that the opposite is true. Keep those bits cool and unexcited and you avoid 92% of all problems. And don't ask me about sheep - I have only 3 regular Kiwi readers, and they all avoid the stereotype.

I, like the view said...

I actually used those two words together intentionally. . .

to see if I could get a rise out of you

;-)