Saturday, December 15, 2007

Snarling in a festive way

My dear friend I,LTV has sent me an email offering to send me a seasonal greeting:

I have bought a pack of cards with robins on them
My reply included the sentiments:

… one with an original gratuitous insult would be nice - one gets so few these days. Alternatively, it will come in handy for the traditional "card scoffing" ceremony on Christmas eve.
I trust that they are pictures of robins, rather than avian corpses stapled to the inside. We don't even have a turkey here.

Mrs S does not really get into the Christmas spirit until quite late. It is not usually until the thirty sixth person has asked what vegetarians eat at christmas that she spews wrath sufficient to mummify a reindeer at sixty paces, while I am in full humbug from the moment the first christmas reference appears on the television. Usually fucking March.

At my local supermarket, one of the staff enquired whether I liked the Christmas music. Rather than giving a direct answer, I replied by asking if there was an axe nearby, and if so could she direct me to the source of the music. She told me that she liked Christmas music. I called her a pervert. I was mildly cheered, though, never having met anyone who could stand the muck before.

If I were to see anyone at Christmas, then card scoffing would be one of the highlights. To select the most vacuous, insincere, glittery, unamusing concoction of piffle from the many that my poor postman feels obliged to deliver to me. How I long for the days when friends would take the trouble to personalise an offensive envelope (I confess I did not do this this year). “Mr U. Queunte” was one of my favourites. Tom usually remembers, but he has stopped making much of an effort with the cards.

This year’s selection so far has been disappointing. No rhymes, no nauseating pictures, no unfunny cartoon representations of Santa; the only one so far with a chance of making it through to the scoffing final has glitter on the front. This has the effect of giving it the texture of sand paper. A jolly jape, so that as you reach inside the envelope to extract it, there is a sixty four percent likelihood of your epidermis being ripped from you nerve endings, but I doubt that this was the intention.


Dave said...

I must say, the piece of mistletoe added to the picture of Ms Widdecombe (sp?) on your card certainly enhanced the festive spirit in my household.

Reg Pither said...

I only ever send one card and that's to Jesus (I've got his Fax number if you want it?) After all, it must be a real bummer having your birthday on Christmas Day. Mind you, he's never used that Ronco Carpentry Set I sent him last year!
In between telling me to kill people, he says he doesn't get many robins, reindeer, or white-bearded child molesters dressed in red round his way so he and the rest of the Holy Trinity are always a bit bemused by his birthday cards. Still, it's the thought that counts.
He never sends me anything - I blame the fucking Post Office.

Geoff said...

I thought it was compulsory for vegetarians to have a nice dry, heavy, binding nut roast for their Christmas dinner.

When I was a strict vegetarian I was served a nut roast swimming in lovely meaty gravy.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. I suspect that bubonic plague would enhance the festive spirit in your household.
Reg. Bemused? Surely not.
Geoff. She's counting.

zoe said...

oh shit, shit, buggery shit. i forgot to give my cards to mummy and daddy on thursday. tell you what, old chap, i think i can come up with something suitably unusual. i'll even buy it on monday and if you're lucky, i'll send it.

john.g. said...

Vicus, I'm with you, I hate christmas!

homo escapeons said...

Your descriptive statement,"the most vacuous, insincere, glittery, unamusing concoction of piffle", is so threatening to the very fabric of Western Civilization as we know it, that the Grand Poobahs at Opus Dei will be furious, and the corporally-mortificated, albino, assassin has been reassigned to get medieval on your bony ass.

Thank You for 'taking one' for the team.

Richard said...

Card scoffing? Is that the answer? With some nice roasted peppers. Tasty.

I haven't decided on your card yet. I'll make sure it's nutritious though.

tom909 said...

Oh Vicus, are you ever going to mellow?
Get into the spirit of things V. Only this morning I have produced a yule log to be proud of etc etc.

Vicus Scurra said...

For our non Brit readers, I should explain that "scoff" is a slang term for eating, so what Richard has done is to construct a very clever pun. And yes, it was funny.
Tom, there appears to be a tear in the fabric of the blogger dimension, whereby your awful jokes have spilled over from your page to mine. You better be careful in case anything amusing or interesting finds its way by accident onto your site.

I, like the view said...

well I love xmas music - I shall go out and look for a musical card for you forthwith and unstaple the robin from the original card and put it on the envelope for added decoration

just to cheer you up

I once made a spinach and ricotta cheese souffle roulade thing (kind of like a Swiss roll, only savoury and made out of spinach and ricotta cheese rather than sponge and strawberry jam), to go with the nutroast (Delia's curried recipe, with a few additions of my own)(funny that, given Geoff's comment), that the vegetarians at my xmas table devoured and told me was delicious

they were probably lying - but I thought it was tasty

this year I shall be on my own - my children are with their father - my family have estranged me - my friends have their own families - so I shall probably go to the local corner shop and see what is on offer once I've opened my stocking

I've never tried a Pot Noodle, maybe they have an xmas dinner flavoured one, or even a vegetarian alternative to that!

I live in hope


Richard said...

I,LTV there did indeed used to be a turkey and stuffing flavoured Pot Noodle. I remember taking one on a night shift on Christmas Day many years ago.

LOLs @ Tom's yule log. Do we have to explain that to foreigners as well? Better not.

I, like the view said...

richard thanks for the pointer. . . I shall report back in due course

Omykiss said...

I came here after seeing one of your comments at DottyNana's. i don't like christmas either ... i'll be back ...

dinahmow said...

For tasteless seasonal offerings this land takes some beating. I could possibly bring myself to purchase a kangaroo-with-santa-hat, or a fat-santa-in-board-shorts-on-a-surfboard
card to send you. And, for a scoffing treat, I could drench it with Bush Relish.(Smells like the urine of a koala.)
Or I could just say bah!humbug and hibernate...