Tuesday, December 25, 2007

This is the speech that I wrote for Liz this year, I hope that she uses it.

When I reached the zenith of my days of rebellion, having sacrificed the chances of a top rate education, and squandered more opportunities than you could stuff a hippo with (or ”than with which you could stuff a hippo” for those of you whose education was not squandered (twats)), and sat around typically watching Tom trying to decide whether getting out of his chair would ultimately benefit the cause of love and peace, I was of a cheery disposition, and optimistic that the world was going to be shaken by the new consciousness that we were experiencing.

Well, we didn’t end war, greed, poverty, misery. We weren’t part of a giant leap in evolution whereby mankind discover the mysteries of the journey within and resolved the arcane questions of the meaning of life. We didn’t manage to convince anyone that it was important to care for the planet, at least until it was too fucking late.

I am not sure how much I thought it likely that any of these changes would come, I suspect that like most of my friends I enjoyed being part of a distinctive rebellious minority (at least until it brought us to the attention of the drug squad) and took delight in the derision with which we were greeted by the straight world.

But one thing that I thought would definitely change would be the obsession with tradition.

I fucking hate tradition. I fucking hate tradition with a passion bordering on the psychotic. I really, sincerely hope that you all have a lovely time today, and every other day, but if your enjoyment involves any of crackers, silly hats, the fucking queen’s speech, brussel sprouts, saying “and all the trimmings” (FUCK OFF) then please do not invite me to be part of it. In fact, shove it. The same goes for your new year celebration and the fucking Scottish song (they only fucking composed it so that they could laugh at the rest of the world looking like twats singing it, there’s not much to be cheerful about if you are born in Glasgow for fuck’s sake). And most of all your fucking weddings with your fucking silly clothes, twatty speeches, bollocky confetti and whatever the fuck else some twat has decided is essential so that you can spend 3 million pounds on fucking dross. Thank you for your kindness, but I will not be attending.

What kind of deep rooted insecurity in humanity is it that makes it impossible to enjoy themselves without repeating meaningless rituals? “Oh, it’s a tradition! Dorothy choked on a chestnut the last two Christmases, so we’ve got to fucking force them down her throat until she turns blue, it’s a tradition”.

So, today, as you sit around your Ikea dining table having devoured a manky poultry carcass with “all the fucking trimmings”, and you are so amused by finding a coin in your food that you think your lungs are going to turn bright purple and explode, take a look at Uncle Norman, with his silly green fucking paper hat, playing with the fucking silly bit of plastic that was in his cracker and drooling down the new cardigan that Santa brought for him, and instead of thinking “It’s nice to see him enjoying himself” ponder on whether it would be possible for him to look any more fucking ridiculous than he does at this moment. You don’t have to upset him by saying it out loud, but pause for a second and think to yourself “You dozy looking old cunt”.

I hope that this helps.

Happy Christmas.

19 comments:

Dave said...

Happy Christmas to you and all your readers!

You do realise this carping on about things we hold dear is becoming a bit of a tradition, don't you?

homo escapeons said...

I see..
Hmm..
Now who am I going to get to ride the sacred ostrich through the flaming hoop on equinox day?

Hairy Crizzmoose.

tom909 said...

Oh Dear Vicus, I guess the difference is, I had my little rebellion in the 60s and since then I have spent the last 40 odd years veering towards joining the Tory party.
I do admit carol singers make me really angry though - in fact I had to move from my last house because they started coming round every fucking year. But I do love my bread sauce!

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, thank you from Mrs Trellis and me.
HE. Excellent. Of course in this country, the ostrich is dressed in lime green, which clashes with the St Colin's Day earrings.
Tom. I have never heard of bread sauce. Are you making this up? Don't freak me out, I'm tripping.

Richard said...

It's obviously traditional to wish you a Merry Christmas. So I won't. Instead, I wish you and your kin an exceedingly happy 27th December. I bet you can't wait!

Geoff said...

Jonathan Meades said the three most depressing words in the English language are "all the trimmings".

Can we borrow Uncle Norman for today? He'll have to bring his own crackers, though.

Murph said...

I think you're being a bit harsh on Mr Tebbit.

Happy Christmas!

KAZ said...

Evil blogger wouldn't let me wish you a happy Christmas this morning - so I came back with the good fairy.
Have a good time...Love to Liz and Anne as well.

tom909 said...

So next year, when you DO accept our invitation for Xmas day, you can try Sarah's bread sauce. Actually, might be a good idea to drop a tab, say about 90 minutes before we eat, to get the ultimate eating sensation - mind you, knowing you, you'll probably end up thinking you're eating someone's brains and then you'll spin off into the biggest bad trip ever, and we'll have to rush you to casualty and ..... Oh my, Vicus, maybe just stay at home and watch telly eh.

Dyna Girl said...

From the rebellious minority I come to you...ditching the family tradition and surprisingly a little blue about it all. Thanks, though. I think I might feel better.

I, like the view said...

merry crimbo lovely vicus!!

did Liz use your speech then? I'm afraid to say we didn't turn the telly on until Dr Who. . .

actually, that's a lie, we watched Wallace and Grommit's Close Shave. . .

and now I'm killing time before Love Actually. . .

ho hum

anyhow, did she use your words - and if she did, do you get royalities everytime it's shown on uTube?

;-)

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV, no I did not get "royalties". I expect you mean something different by "getting royalties" than is the usual interpretation. You are very naughty.

Richard said...

I checked, she didn't use all of the words.

Pamela said...

I spent Christmas day alone. It was lovely.

ziggi said...

happy 27th!

I, like the view said...

I am!

I think you are the only person that has spotted that tho, so don't tell anyone else. . .

;-)

zoe said...

do people actually listen to the queen's speech? i can't remember the last i did - if i did.

god this weather's rank.

Dave said...

Congratulations on your batting performance today.

Lin said...

Bugger...I didn't read this posting until well after Christmas. By then, at socialist expat husband's insistance, we'd snapped crackers, slipped paper crowns on our heads and eaten more cooked, dried fruit than anyone in all of Britaindom, I'm sure.