Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The king who died on the toilet

I am aware that my blog is neglected. My current excuse is that I have been giving evidence in the long running inquest into the death of Ann Boleyn, now entering its four hundred and sixty second year. I have been demonstrating that the only logical explanation of her death is that she was running too fast down the corridor at Hampton Court, trying to escape from an over-eager portrait painter, when she ran into a pillar and her head fell off. It is ludicrous to suggest that King Henry had anything to do with her demise. What did he have to gain, apart from the expense of another wedding?

So, in order to make amends, I have made some sexist remarks on Pam and Ziggi’s blogs, been very rude about dear Dave (although Richard, bless him, claimed not to understand me) and am wondering whether that qualifies as my midweek quota.

This evening I watched the televisual entertainment “City of Vice”, I think it was on channel 4. It is based on the formation of London’s first, small, police force the Bow Street Runners. I am not familiar enough with the history of that time to comment on how accurate it is. Suffice it to say no-one said “We’re the Runners, and we haven’t had our breakfast” - there were no sedan chair chases, although there was the usual amount of police brutality. I know very little about George II, who was the monarch at this time, and I expect that the same is true of the non-historians (i.e. the whole fucking lot) among you. He was king for quite some time, but is less famous than his predecessor, famous for not speaking English, and his successor, famous for being mad, but not too mad to see the sense in getting shut of the most troublesome of the colonies. George II was even overshadowed by his utter cunt of a son, the duke of Cumberland, and Charles Edward Stuart, who was also an utter cunt, but not quite so utter as Cumberland. I suspect that, in consequence, the TV series will be dull. It would be nice to have a really top class cop show on TV again. Who remembers “Strangers”?

Apart from all that only the Pope is in the news. He has been upsetting the good folk of some place or other who don’t want him to visit because he once said that it was quite right for Galileo to be tried for heresy (you couldn’t make it up, could you? Unless you were a physicist or pontiff, then you could make any old shit up and there would be thousands dumb enough to believe you). He has also got some of his friends to condemn Harry Potter. Poor old Harry, got to 18 and never got his end away (or is that one of the chapters I missed?). The Torygraph is asking its readers whether they have been done harm by Harry Potter. I still have an itch from the last encounter, but am not sure whether that counts.

I bet the majority of comments are about underage sex, rather than my deep insights into history. See what I mean, Tom?

36 comments:

Chris said...

Dunno about you, but where I live sixteen's not underage. I fear you'll have to do better than Ann Boleyn's head falling off to compete with Emma Watson.

Pamela said...

You keep going on and on about British history. It's like you live there or something.

And no, you CANNOT play with the girls. Naughty, tsk tsk and all that.

ziggi said...

where is the sexist remark you promised?

Dave said...

I'm sure Richard isn't the only one who has no idea what you're talking about most of the time.

Vicus Scurra said...

Chris. You must be the Vicus to my Richard.
Pamela. I live in the British present. I may even be your British present, but I would counsel against unwrapping me.
Ziggi, I will tell you once you have made us all a cup of tea and done the washing up.
Dave, take solace in being part of the great majority, generally known as the ignorant.

KAZ said...

Don't know much about Historee, don't know much about Theologee - but I do know E = Mcsquared...

Vicus Scurra said...

Kaz. Who told you that load of bollocks?

tom909 said...

Yes Vicus, you are so so right about the appalling stae of today's society. It is such a shame that the young people of today are more interested in shagging that studying the rich heritage of our beloved nation. How I long for the days of my youth when learning about the repeal of the corn laws in 1846 was more than enough to give me a hard on.

fathorse said...

Ever since I was served by an incredibly handsome indian waiter in a restaurant several years ago I have devoted my studies to South Asian history. British history is boring and over-moustachioed by comparison. Even those dirty Corn Laws...

Vicus Scurra said...

Fathorse, you will then be familiar with the 2nd Earl of Mornington, Governor General of India, and whose father had the crescent named after him. There were other family members, but none of them had a panel game named after them.

ziggi said...

the corn laws were repealed by PM Peel who coincidently replaced the Bow Street Runners with the Met when he was Home Sec, he also reform the prisons with Lizzie Fry who invented chocolate with yucky cream in the middle while she was washing up and darning socks.

How serendipitous is all that linkage?

MJ said...

Fess up and tell them the real excuse...

You've been busy brewing me cups of tea.

I, still, like the views said...

when I read the title "The king who died on the toilet" and then your first sentence. . .

I thought you'd written "I am aware that my bog is neglected" and was just about to go and look for my Marigolds, a hedgehog on a stick and some bleach

. . .and then it occurred to me that perhaps I ought to stick my head a little further out from under my umberella - risking the downpour of bile upon my marvellous hair do - actually, bile might improve it - and read what you had written, rather than what I thought you'd written

Shoestring? or was he a PI not a policeman

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi, yes very clever. You can come and sit at the front.
MJ. I like a gal with a sense of humour.
And, ILTV, where did you read the words "Shoestring".

Richard said...

This really is from memory but wasn't it Henry Fielding who formed the BSRs?
.
.
.
I have run just returned from checking. It was indeed. He also went by the rather wonderful pseudonym of Captain Hercules Vinegar

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. It was he. He was a magistrate, as was his blind brother, according to channel 4. I really don't have the energy to verify that.
So we have a cop with an interesting quirk already supplied.

homo escapeons said...

Gadzooks!
As an avid aficionado of History I am amazed at how succinctly you have marshalled your formidable powers of observation on sovereign decapitation, Coppers, Papal Bull, and English Kings 'what don't sprechen zee H'inglash', and tied it all up with a bow!

I believe it was Maurice Chevalier who said "Thank Heaven For Leetle Girls" so this is predominantly a French issue and best left where found.

I hope that this helps.

I, still, like the views said...

I didn't

:-D

it was my suggestion for whatever it was you asked for suggestions for. . .

. . .erm, actually, you didn't did you

%-/

you were referring to "top class cop shows" and asked if anyone remembered a show that I - personally - didn't remember, so I must have thought you were asking for other shows noone remembered; thus defeated the point of my own comment

since I'd remembered "Shoestring"*

(which I then thought probably wasn't a cop show)

sorry

for wasting your time


:-(


see, if it had been about cleaning your bog, my first thoughts would have been so much more helpful

:-)


*and permit me to be pedantic, but "Shoestring" is not "the words" it is "the word"

actually, you don't have to permit me to be pedantic and now I can see that I am never going to get away with typos or spelling mistakes or grammatical errors again. . .

apologies

in advance


is there anything I could now possibly get away with. . .

;-)

Vicus Scurra said...

HE - of course it does.
ILTV - thank you. I am slightly allergic to Trevor Eve. Were he to be any further up himself, his head would come out of his mouth. Please bear this in mind in future.

Richard said...

Only after Shoestring though. He was good in that.

Rol Hirst said...

You'd have thought the pope would have learnt his lesson after all that furore he caused when he kept shitting in the woods.

All those Catholic bears were in an uproar.

ziggi said...

he was good in Deadhead I thought.

Dave said...

The Pope was in Deadhead? I must watch more popular entertainment.

I, still, like the views said...

he could get a great job as a contortionist on a celebrity talent show then

:-)

raincoaster said...

But...this had nothing to do with Elvis.

I, still, like the views said...

if I write a comment about underage sex, will you write a new post. . .

I, still, like the views said...

here is my comment about "underage sex", (in the hope it will prompt a new post)

I never had any

Solipsist Soliloquist said...

ISLTV!
You poor dear. What on Earth were you doing back then? Homework?

Thank Goodness that Cosmo keeps telling us that women reach their Sexual Prime during their 40 something Cougar Years.
((Grrrr))

ziggi said...

are you out enjoying the sunshine?

I, still, like the views said...

(deat sweet vicus, since you haven't updated your blog, is it OK if I have a conversation with SS?)(I trust you've given me your approval)(but forgive me if I'm wrong)

yes; homework and babysitting (part of the problem was also that I was taller than all the boys - altho that doesn't make a huge difference when one is prone, I've since discovered)

:-(

but it is true about women in their 40s. . .

:-)

. . .so I've heard

;-)


thanks vicus, and thank you for the grapes too!

ziggi said...

what's true about women in their 40s?

Being too tall?

I, still, like the views said...

sexual prime. . .

ziggi said...

oh yes, that's true!



I don't think it was only Elvis that seems to have copped it on the loo - d'you thing Vic is still with us?

MJ said...

Vicus is busy photographing his arse for me, aren't you, Vicus?

I, still, like the views said...

oh yes, he is still with us

I know that is a good thing

:-)

Gordie said...

I've just found out that my blog is getting referrals from someone in Turkey searching for 'fathorse sex'. This page is number three on http://www.google.tr.

You're never too old to enjoy underage sex, especially if you're a fortysomething woman (or Kaz).