Monday, August 18, 2008

Ashton Gate

I thought that I might make up for my lack of posting of late by covering a subject close to your hearts – filth. After all, my frequent visitors here who come via the website of Theodore and Evadne Google usually stumble across this site looking for some sort of perversion.

First of all while scanning the TV channels this evening, I noticed that Channel 4 were showing “The Perfect Vagina”. I was somewhat alarmed on passing through to find Gary Lineker* in it, asking for suggestions for a new flavour – ideas included bacon and egg and pork pie – however, much to my relief, this turned out to be a commercial for crisps** showing during the interval. I rapidly moved on and found another program called “The Complete Cunt”, which was a biography of George Bush. Yes, it has been a long time since I posted, please bear with me while I get up to speed.

I saw a little bit of the Olympic Games today: it seemed to be a day for the lady athletes to be competing. It’s so nice that we give them a chance these days isn’t it? OK, so they will never be much good, but it isn’t fair to deny them a chance to win a medal or two, to hang up in the kitchen while they do the ironing. They are so much more attractive these days – the last time that I watched them competing the races were all dominated by androgynous eastern Europeans, but now they are much more representative of the female population. One thing that I did notice though was the absence of bosoms. I can see that have a great pair of floppy watermelons flying off in all directions might inhibit athletic prowess, but I think it would make up for that in entertainment value. I shall telephone that smug twat Seb Coe*** tomorrow and ask for the 200 metres triple D to be included in the London Olympics. Or perhaps the steeplechase with an extra deep water jump for the mammaralogically gifted competitors. I am too old for this sort of entertainment, but not too old to know what the public wants.

If there are any ladies who have not been offended by this so far, I apologise and would welcome suggestions as to how I might make it more unacceptable.

* for non UK readers Gary Lineker is Britain’s answer to OJ Simpson.
** for non UK readers – potato chips.
*** for non UK readers – learn the fucking language, why don’t you?


frontiereditor said...

For UK blog authors

* But did Lineker ever precede his criminal career with a commercial easily twisted to poke fun at his lack of criminal prowess?

** Don't think you can get away with 'potato chip' excuse after Quentin.

*** Give us a break with the 'two people divided by a common language' bit. We're barely able to communicate with Canadians and our elected representatives, although attempts to establish communication with Canada have been somewhat more successful than with Congressmen.

MJ said...

As a Canuck myself, I have no idea what Frontier Editor is on about.

If you're hard up for attractive female athletes, I've posted some Japanese Bikini Rodeo Pie Fighting.

Dave said...

I'm pleased to see you were passing through “The Perfect Vagina". Does this make you a bit of a p-. No, forget it.

KAZ said...

"If there are any ladies who have not been offended by this".

I most certainly am deeply offended.

Just don't write about that boring tosser Gary Linekar again.

zoe said...

I, too, am deeply offended by this post. I can't find ironing on the Olympic time table. What sort of sport is it? Do you need a massive bosom to take part or can both sexes compete?

Richard said...

Zoe, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think you'd better get in training. Ask Q where the iron is.

Synchronised team pursuit ironing. 2012 demonstration sport

Rol said...

I think it's terrible that Gary Lineker is being let out of that Vietnamese jail and sent back to the UK. They should have thrown away the key!

garfer said...

Special medals for breasticles should be awarded.

Richard said...

Oh, and I did get the title.

You need a superficial knowledge of Cockernee Rhyming Slang and association football club grounds.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard, I was going to call it "a cerise Cadillac". Would that have been better?