Thursday, August 07, 2008

Fatter, dire, stranger

Unlike some of my dear friends out there, I don’t want to take up much space here discussing the nature of blogging, suffice it to say that I have found myself with little inclination to write anything these last few weeks.
However, this morning I was fortunate enough to listen to Radio 5 for a few minutes, and felt that it was incumbent upon me to provide some balance against the dross being broadcast.
Apparently there is some sort of sporting event about to take place in China. Some sort of competition to see which nation can best conceal the consumption of narcotics. I hope to miss it all. While I can understand that broadcasters might wish that they had journalists on hand to cover the quasi-sporting elements of this ridiculous spectacle, I fail to empathise with their stance that all of their staff should go to China as well. This is particularly true of the wireless companies.
The BBC has sent Nicky Campbell to China. Haven’t they suffered enough? While I can see the benefits of sending this silly person to the other side of the world, giving him airtime while he is there seems to be counter productive. This morning, Mr Campbell was on the Great Wall. The only difference that I can think of from the viewpoint of a listener (can listeners have viewpoints? What is the aural equivalent?), is that it proves that no matter where in the world the idiot is, he still talks bollocks.
This morning we learned that:

  • There was no one else around on the wall – no tourists, a few security personnel. This makes sense. If I were inclined (and I ain’t) to go and look at a few old bricks, then I would choose a day when I was not likely to encounter Nicky Campbell.
  • It’s the best wall he’s ever seen. (He told us that he hadn’t seen Hadrian’s Wall – this will vex Hadrian, Campbell is exactly the sort of person that old Hadie wished to exclude when he built the fucker). It would be entirely untrue and go against my principles of love, peace and tolerance to suggest that my favourite wall would be the one into which Nicky Campbell’s face had been smashed, but you get my point. (He also told us that he hadn’t seen the Wailing Wall. It would do more than fucking wail if it had to listen to that pillock.)
  • Er…..
  • That’s it.

We were then treated to an interview with Sarah Brightman. When the gods in charge of distributing names dished that one out they must have been having an off-day.
Ms Brightman is apparently singing at the “opening ceremony” tomorrow. She was asked what she would be singing, and replied that she couldn’t disclose that. This was her most interesting answer. Had she been involved at an Olympic Games before? Yes, 15 or 16 years ago. That would be 16 then, you dull tart, as the Games take place every four years and fifteen is not divisible by four. Answers to other questions were variations on the theme “I dunno”.
This event is going to be a real success isn’t it? The UK is showing goodwill towards the People’s Republic by inflicting Campbell and Brightman on them. I’d jump under a fucking tank if they showed up here.
One thing that Campbell said was that “China was going to be at the centre of the gaze of the world”. Of course, this sounded more like “gays of the world”. Which brings me neatly to the opening ceremony again. At this point, I need to make this disclaimer. I am a commy, tree-hugging, bleeding-heart, lentil-chewing, liberal big girl’s blouse. I don’t care what anyone else does, provided it does not hurt anyone else (without their consent). I hold all of humanity in equal disdain, irrespective of political stance, religious allegiance, racial group or sexual orientation. However, (and I say this as someone who has only had a passing glimpse of these ridiculous displays), the opening ceremony of the Olympic games can only be adequately described as a bunch of twats dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.

Must dash. The heats of the freestyle cardigan knitting begin in a little under 40 hours.

36 comments:

I, like the view said...

don't drop any stiches when you cast off, or you'll get runs

(if only rounders was an Olympic sport, my comment would kill two birds with one stone)(so to speak)

and, while I'm murdering words with rock (as opposed to paper or scissors), I'm fairly sure that the aural equivalent of a viewpoint is soundpoint

I hope that helps

I, like the view said...

YAY! (to quote shot) FIRST!!

and SECOND!!!

garfer said...

Brightman and Campbell should be crushed between shot putters thighs before being stir fried with ginger and spring onions.

Steaming's too good for 'em.

Leni Qinan said...

It's good to have a break from time to time, tho we missed you here, Vicus. ;)

I hope to miss the entire Olympics -haven't switched the TV on for about one week-. How could I survive? Easy: sunbathing, swimming and writing at a very lovely sunny beach.

Good knitting!

Martha Craig said...

at least your country has some chance of winning, we send over half our population and come back with one gold for horse riding EVERY TIME. The drugs here are obviously shit.

zoe said...

I get the feeling that you don't like Niki Campbell, Sarah Brightman or the Olympic games. Nor China by the sound of things.

Tell me, what do you like?

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. Of course it helps.
Garfer. Please let us all know when your recipes are published.
Leni. Is sunbathing not an Olympic sport?
Martha. Are you not competing? I was sure you were in the NZ wrestling squad.
Zoe. I adore you. As you well know.

mike said...

Obviously, I deplore the lack of extended navel-gazing at the start of this post.

Also, what's all this about Kansas City as Faggoty Fag Central? My civilly partnered partner met their state governor the other week. If only he had known!

Vicus Scurra said...

Mike! The reference comes from Blazing Saddles, and I suspect it may be a Mel Brooks creation. I have been to Kansas City. I have no evidence of the faggots there being any different from any others, but it's so hard to tell isn't it?

Richard said...

The rest has mellowed you, I see.

MJ said...

I see this has turned into a knitting blog.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard! Where have you been? I can't stand these folk who neglect their blogging duties.
MJ. Only a complete imbecile would have a knitting blog.

Betty said...

Perhaps the UK has sent Nicky Campbell and Sarah Brightman over to China in the vague hope that they'll be caught up in a terrorist attack.

Richard said...

I'm still very poor and have to rely on the library and the charity of friends for access to the wonders of the world wibe interwebs. The library only gives you an hour andI don't have many friends.

I will be posting something completely irrelevent on my organ shortly.

Geoff said...

Hot Gossip doing their old raunchy routines in their late 40s might be entertaining. But letting that twat sing is outrageous.

Vicus Scurra said...

Betty! Richard!! Geoff!!! I hadn't realised how much I was missing my old friends. We should hold our own event here. I'm up for the 50 metres snarl. Betty - can you do the dontgiveafuckathon?

I, like the view said...

thought you weren't going to discuss the nature of blogging. . .

. . .

:-)

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV, I must bow to what my public wants. Most of them want shooting.

I, like the view said...

*retires gracefully from the forum*

Vicus Scurra said...

Hey! Come back! You can't get out of it that easily. You were going to organise, finance and perform our opening ceremony.

Pamela said...

People with knitting blogs will soon be paying you a visit with their very sharp knitting needles. You have been warned.

I, like the view said...

relax!

I'm knitting you a Union Jack jumpsuit using bamboo pins and bamboo yarn (the fibres of which were sourced from an ecologically sound forest, despite it being Chinese - ho hum); the red is coloured by squashed cochineal beetles who were happy to dye for the cause, the blue is indigo from Morocco (probably drugged with mint tea, so you fit in with the athletes) and the white is Tippex

the all-in-one is studded with lentils and sequins; it has an integral balaclava, so you won't be recognised when you do the Okie-Cokie. . .

(hugs and chickpeas)

tom909 said...

Thank you Vicus for helping maintain a balance of what goes on in this world in the name of civilisation.
Olympic fucking games my arse! I couldn't be less interested. For the sake of humanity I hope the smog is REALLY BAD!

Dave said...

I am in the same situation, interweb-wise, as Richard, so apologise for my tardy response.

At least the cricket may distract you for a few moments, now they've sacked the captain (I don't mean BMCC, who go from strength to strength with you opening the bowling attack).

Leni Qinan said...

Vicus, just FYI: Yes, sunbathing is an Olympic sport, but only in sunny countries like Spain.
And I'm going to do some exercise right now. :)

Rol said...

Is this some kind of football tournament? Again? When?

Sport... it's all beyond me.

raincoaster said...

Oh, it's you again. We thought you were dead.

LucyFishwife said...

I thought the whole shenanigans was an extended promo for Albarn 'n' Hewitt's operatic extravaganza "Monkey"...? If not, I fail to see the point of it. Although I was quite impressed by the way in which they managed to completely obscure Beijing under a pall of firework smoke. So no different to its usual aspect then.

Adam said...

Ah, knowing that the Kansas City thing was a joke makes a lot more sense. The capital of gayness is clearly in the UK somewhere. When I visited, everyone was talking about "wanting to smoke a fag." They didn't have to be so graphic about it.

And don't worry about not blogging for so long. I abandoned my blog for about six months before restarting it today. Yes, it's true! Go have a look!

Richard said...

I'm assuming that your recent absence indicates you're glued to the continuing adventures of the American fish man. Go on, admit it.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. I had no idea about your reference. I tried google for "American fish man" and came up with Dr Fishman of the American Pain Foundation. Frankly I would have thought they had enough natural pain without a need for a foundation. I must confess to being less than fascinated by him.

Richard said...

When I popped in on her this morning Sharon turned the telly on but wouldn't let me watch the beach volleyball. There were other things to do apparently.

frontiereditor said...

Let me address a few points:

- Re. dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots: This explains why the Chinese premier (Deng Mao Chou en whatever) looked like a bewigged Slim Pickens and George Bush made a toothy, Burton Gilliam-esque cameo appearance to grab some American woman volleyball player's backside . . .

- Re. Sarah Brightman: Andrew Lloyd Webber should kill her in her sleep (or wakefulness, since either state seems to be somnambulistic) because he could almost certainly get away with a finding of justifiable homicide or self defense. Also, she merely reinforces my strident opinion that Patti LuPone was still the only singer-actress to do the musical 'Evita' full justice.

Re. Brightman, Campbell and suicide by armored vehicle: Check the whereabouts of Campbell and Brightman in 1989. You may well have uncovered a deeper motive for the Tianmen Square uprising . . .

Re. network sending everyone to the Olympics: Given that several million American and U.N soldiers had to face several hundreds of thousands of Chinese Communist soldiers in 1951, don't you think turnabout is fair play?

frontiereditor said...

wait, that was several thousand American and U.N. soldiers facing several hundreds of thousands of ChiCom soldiers.

Even now, Sarah Brightman works her perverse, sarin-like charm across the waters. Stupid buntt . . .

frontiereditor said...

wait, that was bunt . . .

Please, someone crush Sarah Brightman's cranial cavity with a piece of the Wall, any wall . . .

Richard said...

FE, I'm sure ALW wouldn't mind doing her in but I'm sure his current wife would complain if he did it in her sleep. Apparently though he's got an appalling memory and sill introduces the current Lady LW as Sarah.