I was distressed to read in the Torygraph that the latest terrorist cell to be uncovered in the UK had selected among its targets the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester. I know a little about him – nerdy looking chap who looks, quite correctly, embarrassed to be sponging off of the British Taxpayer (a Mrs Trellis of North Wales). The old Duchess, however, is not someone about whom I know a great deal. Obviously our paths have crossed in the days when I used to attend the family Christmases and such like, and I vaguely recall chatting with her for about half an hour under the impression that I was talking to Helen Mirren, but I would have been stumped if you asked me anything about her. All became clear as I trawled through the various sites covering the family. She is a Viking! The Danes, of course, upset our fundamentalist friends by publishing some unfunny cartoons a couple of years ago.
The Duchess is the third most famous Danish woman in the world, after Sandi Toksvig and Nina of “Nina and Frederick”.
I was astonished to learn how many vital roles she fulfils, and how difficult it would be to defend our country should she be blown up (blown up with explosives, rather than inflated, you twat).
She is patron of the Royal School of Needlework. How would our troops respond to a terrorist attack if they were all running round with holes in their socks?
She is Colonel in Chief of the Royal Army Dental Corps. Singularly responsible for making sure that our boys do not go into battle with braces on their teeth.
It seems that Inspector Knacker has again averted a national catastrophe.
Anyway, I have mixed feelings about protecting her and other Danish political refugees. The last time the Danes came over here they weren’t too well behaved. Cnut famously defeated Edmund Ironside (what glory is there in kicking seven shades of shit out of a chap in a wheelchair?) and is generally credited with bringing a period of stability, but until they reimburse us for some of the crippling taxes that my forebears were forced to pay, I think they should all be forced to live in Essex.