Sunday, February 08, 2009

Plumetting profits

I have just made a mistake. This will come as a shock to those of you who rely upon my level headed and perspicacious position as a dispenser of wisdom. Fear not, I am swift to learn my lessons, and hope not to repeat this mistake. “What did I do?” I hear you ask, stunned and concerned. Well, I made the mistake of watching the news on television, thereby interrupting my ability to settle into a trouble-free and deep sleep.

My friends at the BBC and Alistair Darling were discussing banking bonuses, again. The consensus appears to be that something ought to be jolly well done about it, and we shouldn’t be paying the chaps whose greed and stupidity caused the current economic fiasco.

Then along comes a Mr Justin Urquhart Stewart, who is described by the Beeb as a financial expert, but who appears to me to be a plummy voiced prat, who says that if these chaps are not paid large bonuses, we are in danger of losing them.

I share this concern with Justin, or short-dick as he is known colloquially; it would be a tragedy to lose these people before we have had time to give them a sound beating, chopped off their genitals and then lined the motherfuckers up against the fucking wall and fucking shot them.

One of the stories around at the time of the great depression was that Wall Street financiers were throwing themselves off of the top of skyscrapers. We should, in these civilised times, not allow that to happen again. If you come across a banker, a financial expert, an entrepreneur or a hedge fund dealer make sure that you throw them from the top of a tall building, not forgetting to break their noses before you do it.


tom909 said...

My sentiments exactly - why exactly do we care about losing these greedy prats. Bloody good riddance to them I say!
Never mind bonus's - I would reclaim all they have made over the last few years and distribute it to all the people who have got mortgages to pay off, plus I would obviously take a substantial sum myself, to prevent the loss of my great skills should I be forced to move abroad to enable me to finance my extravagant lifestyle.

We're a tame bunch aren't we. This kind of thing should really spark a revolution!

I, Like The View said...

altho you claim to have made a mistake in the first paragraph, I'm glad you regained your senses by the fourth

Dave said...

For the first time in my life I have to disagree with Tom's sagacious words.

Don't distribute to those who have mortgages (currently at ridiculously low interest rates) because they are part of the cause of our problems - if the bankers had refused to lend money to anyone sveral years ago, they wouldn't now have all these toxic debts.

Give the bonuses to hard-working (and especially pensioners, who used to be hard-working) savers, who are the real losers at the moment.

Rog said...

Was Mr Justin Urquhart Stewart the one wearing a cravate to signify it was the weekend?

It would also have been useful for stringing him up from a convenient lamp post.

KAZ said...

Yeah - Violent Vicus - we love it.
But maybe a sound beating, chopped off genitals and lining up against the fucking wall for shooting - is just too good for them.

Richard said...

I actually asked "What did you do?". I know full well what I did and I won't be doing it again.

Geoff said...

In danger of losing them? Where would they go exactly?

Wee papa girl wv - rappers

Richard said...

And I heard a similar self-serving prat trying to justify bonuses on the Jeremy Vine wireless programme on Friday. I would like to encourage even more on to the BBC because I can't afford to heat my house properly at the moment and the resultant apoplexy I suffer from listening to the bastards manages to excite me to the extent that I can do without switching the central heating on for a couple of hours

Betty said...

Perhaps they should be brainwashed into performing Samurai ritual suicide on themselves. Saves other people having to bother doing the job.

Rol said...

According to the beeb website, Brown is "very angry" about bankers bonuses.

I bet they're all quaking in their £5000 a pair booties.