Monday, February 02, 2009

Pulled off at half time

It is with more than a few reservations that I compose this little essay. It alludes to certain activities that some of you may find distasteful. Please prepare yourselves for this. It is never my object to attract readership by describing the sordid, but I do have a keen sense of duty, and know that I carry a heavy burden of expectation.
I have done my best to discourage young people of my acquaintance, and of a largely American disposition, from witnessing the disagreeable spectacle of what is commonly called “the Superbowl”.
I have few regrets about king George’s clever and well-informed decision to allow the religious loonies to go their own way. As in most things, the benefits of his wisdom have been demonstrated over time. I do, however, have misgivings about the failure to instruct these poor folk in the basic elements of cricket and rugby union, and consequently they have been left to their own devices when it comes to playing sport.
What a sorry collection of third rate games they have come up with. They are too far gone now for us to change them, I think. We even sent Mr Beckham to help, but even his towering intelligence was of no avail. A deluded Texan named Stanford then thought that he could buy “cricket” – and would make it a game suitable for the American market, but only if he changed all the rules. Pillock.
So, once a year, American ex-pats, many of whom have almost been converted to accepting Western culture, revert to their Neanderthal type and stay up all night watching what can only be described as nonsense, even by the kindest of observers.

Congratulations, then, to the folks at Club Jenna, who managed to introduce a few seconds of culture to the televised proceedings yesterday. The cheap, distasteful and despicable filth that I feel obliged to display here:

was interrupted by a short documentary film made on behalf of Club Jenna.
I did not, of course, watch the broadcast, but am informed by the BBC that it comprised of "a woman unzipping a man's trousers, followed by a graphic act between the two."

I am pleased that my friends in the United States were able to see the results of cooperation between friends. I am a firm (missus) believer that our cultures have much to teach each other, and welcome enterprises of this sort.
I am not entirely sure what the BBC meant by “graphic”. I assume that it means explicit or vivid. Perhaps they thought that the makers of the film were being a little patronising, but I can see little harm in emphasising clarity, even at the risk of offending those who are slightly quicker on the uptake. Perhaps they meant, more literally, that the gentleman had some sort of written instructions to aid his partner in whatever “act” took place. I am not sure why he could not convey these directives orally, there may have been good reason, but I am sure that they were helpful.
If, for example, the young lady was learning to suck a toffee (some of you may know what was actually portrayed, but I am sure that the advice is still relevant), commands such as “give it a good lick before you start”, “don’t use your teeth”, “try to make it last as long as you can”, whether written or spoken would be invaluable.


Richard said...

I gather British viewing figures fell at every ad break.

Vicus Scurra said...

I expect that your good friend Connie told you that.

Boz said...

They're going to have a hard* time pinning this one on a wardrobe malfunction.

* Stop it.

Richard said...

Connie the linguist?

Dave said...

I am delighted to say I have no idea about what you are talking.

Still, the Test Match starts soon, and the Six Nations is at the weekend, so all's right with my world.

I, Like The View said...

I have to admit, I had to stop reading at the word "pulled". . .

. . .that was quite rude enough for me

Vicus Scurra said...

Boz. I am not sure that the couple were in a wardrobe. As I say, I did not see the film.
Richard, yes indeed. I am not sure I would ever have seen your clever word play, as the line wraps in the middle of the word in question in my browser.
Dave. I am disappointed that the Methodist church has not provided you with one of Mr Murdoch's nice machines so that you can watch all of test matches, most of those not involving England are of better quality. And I am waiting for the trinations and the super 14s to see some decent rugby. No wonder you don't understand.
ILTV. Thank you. I didn't see that bit of rudeness. The motherfucker completely escaped me.

I, Like The View said...

oh I'm such a naive twit - that was the point, wasn't it

writing/talking of toffee. . . have I ever explained to you how to nibble an After Eight quite delightfully, making it last as long as possible, before you reach the creamy interior; or, enjoy sucking on a Lemon Sherbert, making it last as long as possible, before it gives up its fizz?

tom909 said...

How things have changed over the years. The idea of being pulled off at half time, excellent idea though it is, never even entered our heads in my day!

Homo Escapeons said...

What you need to understand is that the Super Bowl is prolly one of the remaining national town hall meetings that the Yanks can still enjoy.

Although they have voluntarily ostracized themselves from the rest of the world under George 2nd's reign, they have always enjoyed showing off and they need to feel good about themselves. The ultimate way to celebrate their splendid isolation and rejoice in their addiction to extravagance and excess is the Super Bowl.

Here in the Great White North the $3M/ads are replaced by the regular cadre of piss poor boring-as-hell local adverts. It's a bloody disgrace.

Anyway I usually just watch the halftime show and this year it was Bruce Springsteen who proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that screaming BORRRRRRRRRRN inna USeh? back in the 80s has completely shredded his vocal chords.

All of the ads will be on Youtube by now so I may have a lash if I am really bored or run out of Rum.

Pamela said...

vicus, vicus, vicus.....once again you pulled it off. Or something. I'm too addled with prescription medication to understand anything you wrote.

Mind you, even when my brain isn't a bit mushy I have trouble. :)

Richard said...

Nobody's done a Green Bay Packers joke yet so I won't.

zIggI said...

this post had too many words in - was it interesting at all?

Anonymous said...

Even my Green Bay Packers joke wouldn't top this collection.
I suppose we'll have to wait another year before the next chuckle?

Vicus Scurra said...

Ziggi. Yes
Dinah. Yes