Sunday, June 14, 2009

Death wish

I wonder if any of you can assist me with a little project. Do you have a current email address for Denis Healey? I have composed a little missive to him (below) and don’t really want to put it in the post, as the secret service is still notoriously Tory, and is likely to intercept it. Fortunately, they haven’t yet got to grips with the electric internet and therefore we are free to communicate unencumbered by the prospect of a dawn raid by a bunch of spooks.

Dave – are you in contact? I believe he was a contemporary of yours at school. Perhaps you still exchange advice about antirrhinums or discuss your pergola?

Donn – is the old boy on your blog followers list? I hear that he takes a keen interest in matters Winnipegonian.

Pam – have you been stalked by a senior politician famous for his facial hair?

Anyway, let me know. I lost touch with Denis because of a minor tiff about his support for the nuclear deterrent, and his failure to back me in my campaign against the Radio Times subscription department.

Anyway, the message is as follows.

Den! You old goat!

Well done!

I was quietly perusing the news sites on the electric internet this morning, when what should I find but an article about your appearing on Desert Island Discs. I’m afraid I don’t listen to it any longer, as I hate to be taken by surprise. Much as I would like to know more about the musical tastes of Delia Smith and Nobby Stiles, for example, I tend to eschew broadcasts on which some prize chump such as Brandreth might turn up, and I owe it to my readership not to get overstressed.

Anyway, the article mentioned that you have softened your stance against the Thatch, and recently gave her a hug. Blow me if two pages further on there was not an article about her being admitted to hospital with a broken arm! You crafty sod!

Do you have any plans do continue your career as a nonagenarian ninja, or was this a one off? Are you doing this as a public service, or do you take contracts?

Do you have a price list?

I have spent my life as an ardent campaigner against violence, and would therefore be less than comfortable with your swinging on a rope through the chamber of the commons and raking the opposition front bench with machine gun fire, nor would I sanction mowing down the Bottomleys in an armoured car in Farnham High Street, but my pals in the North East Hampshire Maoist Trotskyist Alliance may be able to rustle up a few quid to finance some of the following projects.

  • Dunking Tebbit head first down the bogs in the Lords canteen.
  • Giving Leon Brittan a Chinese burn.
  • “Accidentally” urinating down Cecil Parkinson’s leg when occupying the next urinal stall at a palace garden party.
  • Kneeing Cameron in the groin. Quite hard.
  • A deft karate chop to Michael Howard’s teeth. Or anything else that will result in his shutting up for a time.
  • Pushing Blair down the stairs. Extra if he goes arse over tit down 15 stairs or more.

You get the idea. I would do these things myself, but think that you can probably get away with it more easily, and can always blame your prostate medication if you get caught.

Let me know what you think.

I will continue to follow with keen interest your campaign to put democracy in to action.

All the best



Dave said...

Well done on your mention of antirrhinums, only shortly before talking about Mrs T's broken arm. Your educated readership will apprecaite the link.

Tim Footman said...

Flicking lit matches at Hazel Blears?

Vicus Scurra said...

"educated readership". Have you gone mad?
Tim. Yes, that's the sort of thing. I am hoping to contact Denis and see what his plans are.

Christopher Campbell-Howes said...

I understand Healey used to play popular tunes on the pianoforte at public events. This may have contributed to Ted Heath's quietus. I have no information about any involvement with Harold Macmillan's demise, except that they both lived in Sussex. You may have unwittingly uncovered something very sinister indeed.

Geoff said...

Did Thatcher call him a silly Billy?

Boz said...

Kill, Minister.

zIggI said...

all the best what?

Vicus Scurra said...

Christopher! How good to see you here, just when I was chiding Dave about having no educated readership.
I have made some enquiries, and am confident that our Denis was not involved in the demise of either the Grocer or Supermac. Between you and I, I am told that Heath died after consuming huge quantities of burgers (the equivalent, ironically, of 4 Big Macs (whatever they are!)) while high on a cocktail of cocaine and amphetamines. Macmillan shot himself when his book about tractor maintenance failed to make the best seller list. Couldn't find a decent publisher, apparently.

Donn Coppens said...

Tough, but fair!

I'd ring up Christy Keeler and see if she'd have a go at Denis?
Roit then..You do have a camera?