Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ichthyophobia

I am delighted to read the report in the Torygraph this morning on the research of this gentleman, clearly in line for the TCM of the year award.


He has been researching into phobias, and has devised an injection that will cure people of phobias, including, no doubt, helping those folk who have a fear of needles.

You may be thinking that this is good news. Allow me to be the first to disabuse you of that misconception, by describing some of the research.

This centres on feeding lidocaine to goldfish.

“Early tests showed that goldfish given a dose of the drug lidocaine were unable to be scared.”

Bugger me! I never thought of that!

Old Masa (for it is he) decided to conduct an experiment in Pavlovian fashion (he performed “The Dying Swan” wearing diaphanous tights), by causing the poor goldfish to associate flashing lights with electric shocks, and demonstrated that they feared the lights even when there was no accompanying shock. He then administered said narcotic and broke the link.

We are then left with a bunch of drug addicted, epileptic, Japanese goldfish with third degree burns and totally lacking inbuilt danger warnings. If you see a very sorry looking member of the family Cyprinidae displaying bravado in the presence of a shark, you can feel justified in sending the bill for the funeral to Professor Yushida at the university of Hiroshima.

Would you welcome the recommendations of this man?

I look forward to his helping me to overcome my fear of one day being taken in by the absurd propositions of the scientific community.

8 comments:

donn w2Nz said...

This is how it starts for boy scientists in Japan, torturing Goldfish.
Goldfish are the gateway pet.

Next thing you know you're out in a boat playing pre-recorded Orca vocalizations to scare Dolphins into a cove full of other Scientists that start slicing blowholes

Then you and the other "scientists" move on to baleen Whales, which you tell the IWC are being killed for "research purposes".

Do you have any idea what would happen if PeTA got a hold of lidocane and injected it into all of those whales and dolphins?

It would make whaling and dolphining a BILLION times scarier than Moby Dick.

Rog said...

I had no idea what lidocaine was. I assumed it was some sort of weapon used by swimming pool attendants.

Dave said...

I believe that Ichthyophobia is an abnormal fear of fish. Not fear by fish.

I believe you may be suffering from Hellenologophobia.

I hope this helps.

Vicus Scurra said...

Donn - you are quite right to voice these concerns.
Rog - I am glad to be of service. If there are other issues about which your knowledge is incomplete (I find that hard to imagine) please let me know and I will attempt to provide insight.
Dave. Perhaps I was indicating that I now was wary of fish as their presence might be indicative of deranged scientists in the vicinity, or perhaps I was merely providing an opportunity for you to make some observation about something or other.

I, Like The View said...

since you have opened up a fascinating line of discussion, I should perhaps let you know that I turned to my trusty copy of New Scientist to see if I could verify your organ's information. . .

I was distracted by such columnar titles as "gorillas will deliberately lose a game to keep a playmate", "pschopathy is its own reward", "fusion fears bite the dust" and "brainy octopus lacks personality". . .

. . .so altho I have nothing to add to your debate, I can vouch for the fact that NS makes jolly interesting reading nevertheless

word ver: plamp - no doubt the sound of your pagan-spring-festival-bun, c/o Mrs S'bury, hitting the floor

Vicus Scurra said...

ILTV. Beware of NS - interesting it may be, truthful, seldom. And buns never make that sound, as they are never dropped, nevermind hitting the floor.

I, Like The View said...

it's gone down hill editorially in the past few years, that's for sure

how would I know what was and/or wasn't truthful in the world of science? and - pray, do tell - how do you, dear Vicus. . .

this evening's word ver: baphype (see, despite what you say, 'tis all about the buns over here)

*mwah*

Tim Footman said...

I think this bloke is talking a load of carp.