I could do this sort of thing for a living, I think.
A few weeks ago I ordered by telephone two replacement filters for my ***** kettle.
On 25th February I reported to you that they had not arrived. I was called the next day with a suitable apology, and told that the goods were being despatched immediately.
I was therefore very pleased to receive a parcel from you yesterday.
Unfortunately, the parcel contained two packets of vacuum cleaner dust bags for the “Dirt Devil” model. They do not appear to fit my kettle, and leave my chosen beverage “Mrs Arkwright’s Elderberry Herbal Infusion” with a distinctly papery taste. I have not, as yet, experimented with my vacuum cleaner as a food preparation device, but would welcome your views as to the likelihood of the results thereof being satisfactory. It would, however, provide me with the opportunity for the first time in 20 years of consuming meals of the highest possible quality, to tell my wife that her cooking sucked.
I have opened up a little ‘book’ with a close circle of friends and neighbours to predict what will be in my next parcel. I do not wish to restrict your imagination, but if the parcel was to contain a collection of shrunken heads of the Burmese dancing ferret, then I would be a couple of quid to the good.
I am sending this missive to the fax machine at your ****** branch, and to your email address. Next time I will not be so conservative in the scope of my distribution list. I am not one to resort to threat, but I would point out that I do have the ear of a Mr Bush of Texas, and that a Mr Hussein of Baghdad once sent me the incorrect spare parts for my model 2976 left handed aubergine seeder.
Asterisks entered to protect the stupid.