Thursday, March 31, 2011

Public Service Notice

I stumbled upon this little missive that I composed several years ago. I trust that it meets your satisfaction.
I could do this sort of thing for a living, I think.

A few weeks ago I ordered by telephone two replacement filters for my ***** kettle.

On 25th February I reported to you that they had not arrived. I was called the next day with a suitable apology, and told that the goods were being despatched immediately.

I was therefore very pleased to receive a parcel from you yesterday.

Unfortunately, the parcel contained two packets of vacuum cleaner dust bags for the “Dirt Devil” model.  They do not appear to fit my kettle, and leave my chosen beverage “Mrs Arkwright’s Elderberry Herbal Infusion” with a distinctly papery taste.  I have not, as yet, experimented with my vacuum cleaner as a food preparation device, but would welcome your views as to the likelihood of the results thereof being satisfactory. It would, however, provide me with the opportunity for the first time in 20 years of consuming meals of the highest possible quality, to tell my wife that her cooking sucked.

I have opened up a little ‘book’ with a close circle of friends and neighbours to predict what will be in my next parcel.  I do not wish to restrict your imagination, but if the parcel was to contain a collection of shrunken heads of the Burmese dancing ferret, then I would be a couple of quid to the good.

I am sending this missive to the fax machine at your ****** branch, and to your email address.  Next time I will not be so conservative in the scope of my distribution list. I am not one to resort to threat, but I would point out that I do have the ear of a Mr Bush of Texas, and that a Mr Hussein of Baghdad once sent me the incorrect spare parts for my model 2976 left handed aubergine seeder.

Asterisks entered to protect the stupid.


Dave said...

Mrs Arkwright has a lot to feel guilty about, if her infusion explains your behaviour.

Oh, and tee hee.

Richard said...

But did you get a reply?

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave. You blooming non-conformists and your obsession with guilt.
Richard. How do you expect me to remember? I had even forgotten the letter until today.

Geoff said...

We had a Dirt Devil at the time and ordered some dust bags from the same company.

At least we discovered a cheap way of steam-cleaning our carpet.

english inukshuk said...

is this an April Fool?

Dave said...

No, Vicus is a fool every day.

Christopher said...

All this is very interesting, and clearly you have an enviable gift for communications of this kind, to the extent of being in a position to found a thriving cottage industry (by 'cottage' I mean 'cottage', not 'cottage' so please don't deliberately misinterpret my meaning), but what have you done with George Bush's ear? Please remember a certain war of 1739 involving a Mr Jenkins.

Vicus Scurra said...

Geoff. You are a sweetheart.
EI. No, but this is.
Dave. I do have feelings you know.
Christopher. We have a precedent for this kind of endeavour in North East Hampshire - a Ms Austen has a cottage nearby, a base for her various writings, none of which feature electric kettles or vacuum cleaners, which clearly gives me an edge.

Richard said...

Well, I'm guessing that if your complaint had worked your kettle will still be working with the correct filtration in place. If not, you'd still be complaining and going without your infusions, a sacrifice we would all expect you to make in the cause of customer satisfaction. Every now and again we're expected to take one for the team.

Tim Footman said...

What's a fax machine?

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard. You are showing a somewhat unnatural interest in the state of my kitchen appliances.
Tim. It was a precursor to the early grommet fangler.

Clairious Miss said...


Rosie said...

Do you still have the Presidential Ear? You could probably sell it.