Saturday, July 16, 2011

No News of the World. Get your cheap filth here

I have been urged by a certain East Anglian cleric to update this little corner of the internet. Quite why it stresses him so much I do not know, but, as you know, I am always willing to help.

I have chosen for my sermon the theme of thingy, you know, nudgenudgewinkwink. Coitus. This is not because of any attempt to court controversy, but simply because TCM have got it wrong again, unless my friends at the Torygraph have, heaven forefend, failed to report accurately. Scientists have, according to a science correspondent who looks barely old enough to have begun puberty, discovered the point of sex. When they mean the point they mean the purpose, rather than any unnecessary sharp objects that might form part of the ritual.

Here is the reasoning. When a new being is created as a result of two other beings of the same species being a bit bored and/or horny, then that being is better equipped to deal with biological enemies such as parasites because of what is quaintly called the blending of genomes. Have you had your genomes blended, missus? By combining we keep ahead of parasites that are evolving to do a better job of consuming us
This may make sense; I care little. They now, however, say they have “solid evidence”. Here it is:

“After exposing them to a harmful bacteria, worms that reproduced through sex survived fairly well while those that were asexual died rapidly.”

To this I say ‘balderdash’. I would say that if your life prospects were limited to performing self-stimulation and cloning yourself entirely to satisfy the perverse curiosity of nerds, while you could see your mates in the next box along were going at it like the clappers all hours of the day, would you not be more inclined to roll over and look forward to some more satisfactory pastime in the next life?


Dave said...

The other flaw in their resoning, of course, is that pregnancy in humans takes, so I am reliably told, 9 months. In that time parasites will have had as many as 9,000,000 generations, and so will have evelved into somthing entirely more dangerous, that human blended genomes are not equiped to deal with.

This conclusively proves that evolution is a false doctrine.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you for your erudite and informative comment.

Tim Footman said...

I like the idea that some of us were created out of pure boredom. I'm guessing it's a substantial minority, like left-handers.

Miss Scarlet said...

Are scientists now investigating the point of pointless sex?

MJ said...

Does there really NEED to be a point?

Christopher said...

The point of sex so often turns our to be the Cape of Good Hope masking Cape Disappointment.

Friends in Edinburgh tell that sex is what the coal comes in.

Rol said...

So these science types spend all their days watching worms shagging - is this the best they can do for kicks? Haven't they heard of the internet?

I'd recommend wormsandcockroachesgoatitlikerabbits dot com.

Vicus Scurra said...

Tim. What?
Scarlet. It is a strange universe.
MJ. I am surprised that you find time to comment.
Christopher - thank you for your efforts to raise the tone.
Rol. I done a lol.

Friko said...

Are you suggesting I should roll over and die?
Sex is all very well but reading blogs is better.

Hang on, do remind me, what is sex?

Mark said...

If you stop to think about it, sex is really very odd. We spend most of our time walking around trying not to get too close to each other, except in very formal ways like handshakes and pecks on the cheek (and whatever the Inuit do); then every once in a while we take all our clothes off and... well, you know. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just a little peculiar.

I sometimes supect the stick insect is a higher species.

(Braces self for jokes about Victoria Beckham).

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

And here all this time I thought I had been doing it because it felt good.

clairious miss said...

You said courting and coitus in the same post. Those two things never go together!