I am delighted to report that two stories from the Torygraph science section have attracted my attention today, my having been concerned for some time that scientists were running out of silly things to write about.
Story number one commences thus: “Dinosaurs laying eggs caused their mass extinction millions of years ago, scientists have said, while live birthing mammals went on to thrive.”
I could not be bothered to consider all of the detail – I am fearful of having my brain contaminated by these ramblings, but the essence is that whereas the larger dinosaurs became extinct after some catastrophic global event – a meteor hitting the earth, a Tory by-election victory, or the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar’s gt gt grandfather – the smaller ones failed to compete due to the relative size of their bodies to that of their eggs. Or some such bollocks.
Therefore, dinosaur junior’s health was threatened by being too small, whereas the same scientists would have you believe that our own young’s health is being endangered by obesity. Which one is it? And hurry up with your answer, I need to know whether to have an extra slice of toast for breakfast.
The second article, which I barely read at all, begins with the assertion that “Alcohol sharpens the mind”. It is a many a year since I imbibed intoxicants, so you will have to forgive my dull brain. Here I was under the impression that a few pints of Watney’s Red Barrel opened the gateway to fluency in speaking crap. I shall now make a habit of calling in at “The Twat’s Head” on my way home from work, downing six pints of mild, and then entertaining you, after all you are my best mate, with my newly found wisdom. I shall probably start with an essay on how marijuana aids the decision making process.