Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Fuel for your bunsen burner


I am delighted to report that two stories from the Torygraph science section have attracted my attention today, my having been concerned for some time that scientists were running out of silly things to write about.

Story number one commences thus: “Dinosaurs laying eggs caused their mass extinction millions of years ago, scientists have said, while live birthing mammals went on to thrive.”


I could not be bothered to consider all of the detail – I am fearful of having my brain contaminated by these ramblings, but the essence is that whereas the larger dinosaurs became extinct after some catastrophic global event – a meteor hitting the earth, a Tory by-election victory, or the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar’s gt gt grandfather – the smaller ones failed to compete due to the relative size of their bodies to that of their eggs. Or some such bollocks.

Therefore, dinosaur junior’s health was threatened by being too small, whereas the same scientists would have you believe that our own young’s health is being endangered by obesity. Which one is it? And hurry up with your answer, I need to know whether to have an extra slice of toast for breakfast.

The second article, which I barely read at all, begins with the assertion that “Alcohol sharpens the mind”. It is a many a year since I imbibed intoxicants, so you will have to forgive my dull brain. Here I was under the impression that a few pints of Watney’s Red Barrel opened the gateway to fluency in speaking crap. I shall now make a habit of calling in at “The Twat’s Head” on my way home from work, downing six pints of mild, and then entertaining you, after all you are my best mate, with my newly found wisdom. I shall probably start with an essay on how marijuana aids the decision making process.

13 comments:

Scarlet Blue said...

The future's bright, the future's orange.
I don't know why I said that; I probably haven't had enough to drink yet.
Sx

Dave said...

It would be unkind of me to mention that after the phrase including the words 'dull brain' there is a typo (I don't believe you meant to type 'to').

Incidentally, is it really the same scientists (earlier paragraph)? Are you confusing paleontologists with pediatricians?

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Scarlet. I suspect you may be wrong in your conclusion.
Thank you Dave. It proves the point, doesn't it? No more sobriety for me. Yes, it is the same scientists.

Z said...

Oh Vicus, you are splendid. Alcohol would surely change your nature in some way, I'm not sure we would want to risk that.

Z said...

Oh, by the way - http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/013722.html

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you Z. I rely upon your counsel, that is meant as a sincere compliment, although it may not give you much comfort given the offerings from these other people.

Zig said...

Have the toast, you look too thin from this angle!

Christopher said...

I'm sorry, I did try to get in before Z, but I was having my third piece of toast, and butter and marmalade got on the keys. The chemical composition of marmalade and alcohol is not very different, experts tell me.

Vicus Scurra said...

This seems to support the argument:
http://www.deccanherald.com/content/242288/doctors-remove-quarter-bottle-mans.html

Zig. Thank you, I am reassured.

Christopher! Bourbon biscuits.

Bob said...

"a few pints of Watney's Red Barrel"?

Many, many pints of Watney's Red Barrel were required before even minor outlook adjustment took place in my memory. Perhaps you were thinking of Courage Director's or Brakspear's Special?

Vicus Scurra said...

Perhaps I'm just sensitive to intoxicants Bob. I blame over exposure to sherbet dabs in my early life.

Wurdin Edjwize said...

I have little doubt that most of the Dinosaur eggs never even made it onto the Ark because after Noah made sure all of his beloved mammals were onboard, it started to rain and he got pissed as a sewer rat.
What an idiot!

Vicus Scurra said...

Donn. I think that Noah might have been anticipating a light shower.