Friday, May 16, 2014

Monetary slang

Yesterday I received an email that began:

It was a pleasure speaking with you again today.  Below is the formula to determine the minimum collateral value before a house call for both Margin and Non-Purpose Loans.  The maintenance requirement for equities is 30% for both loan types.

Minimum Collateral Value = Debit Balance / 1 – Maintenance Requirement

And concluded:

Please call me if any additional questions come up.

I didn’t have any questions as such, so I consulted my friends on Facebook, and was able to compile a comprehensive and challenging list. I was therefore able to reply thus:

Yo! Bobby!

It sure was cool to speak TO you too, although I have no recollection of it.

There is an expression used in the home of the Empire “I didn’t understand a word of it”. That would not be apposite in this case, as I understood all of the words; it was your neat trick of combining them in such a way as to render them incomprehensible that got me. Well done!

Anyway, I didn’t really have any questions, so I asked my friends on Facebook if they would like to take advantage of your kind offer. Here they are:

Rosemarie asks: WTF? You know people who can decipher that shit?   (that one may rhetorical)
Mike: How long before you own all of my assets?
Lynne: If God created the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?
Richard: …do you still do that IRS dodge you they used to and who is your contact?
Lynne (again): what is purpose of a non-purpose loan?
Dave: Where did I put my car keys?
FN: Would you rather be a flying horse, a unicorn, or just a regular horse?
Lynne (again, she’s a saucy minx, isn’t she?): Would you rather star in a porn film and have to watch it with your parents or have your parents star in a porn film and have to watch it with your friends?
Richard (again): Red sauce, brown sauce or no sauce at all?
Norma: Mathematically, with no brackets, that formula does not make sense! Why divide anything by 1?
FN: (again): Did you ever practise kissing with one of your sisters' Barbies?
Adam: Guess what?

Over to you

Love and peace.


MarkG said...

You forgot the question about the chicken and the egg. Also the road.

Vicus Scurra said...

Mark! Mark! Why did the chicken cross the road?

MarkG said...

I dunno. I thought you were going to ask Robert in Miami.

Vicus Scurra said...

To get to the idiot's house!

Vicus Scurra said...

Mark! Mark! Knock, knock

MJ said...

Is Facebook the devil?

By the way, your comment section has asked me to type in a series of numbers beginning with 666 so I can assume the answer is "yes."

Vicus Scurra said...

No, but I suspect that you may be.

Pearl said...

Sounds like the gal that approaches me in my yard every spring to ask whether I've got "spare" change for her.

"Robert in Miami" indeed.


Vicus Scurra said...

Pearl! Just post your bank details here and I will make sure they are safe.

Indigo Roth said...

Any question?!

If Space is infinite
And God is infinite
Would you like another pint?

Vicus Scurra said...

I will pass that on, but he hasn't replied to the first questions yet, the rude bugger.