Monetary slang

Yesterday I received an email that began:

It was a pleasure speaking with you again today.  Below is the formula to determine the minimum collateral value before a house call for both Margin and Non-Purpose Loans.  The maintenance requirement for equities is 30% for both loan types.

Minimum Collateral Value = Debit Balance / 1 – Maintenance Requirement

And concluded:

Please call me if any additional questions come up.

I didn’t have any questions as such, so I consulted my friends on Facebook, and was able to compile a comprehensive and challenging list. I was therefore able to reply thus:

Yo! Bobby!

It sure was cool to speak TO you too, although I have no recollection of it.

There is an expression used in the home of the Empire “I didn’t understand a word of it”. That would not be apposite in this case, as I understood all of the words; it was your neat trick of combining them in such a way as to render them incomprehensible that got me. Well done!

Anyway, I didn’t really have any questions, so I asked my friends on Facebook if they would like to take advantage of your kind offer. Here they are:

Rosemarie asks: WTF? You know people who can decipher that shit?   (that one may rhetorical)

Mike: How long before you own all of my assets?

Lynne: If God created the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed?

Richard: …do you still do that IRS dodge you they used to and who is your contact?

Lynne (again): what is purpose of a non-purpose loan?

Dave: Where did I put my car keys?

FN: Would you rather be a flying horse, a unicorn, or just a regular horse?

Lynne (again, she’s a saucy minx, isn’t she?): Would you rather star in a porn film and have to watch it with your parents or have your parents star in a porn film and have to watch it with your friends?

Richard (again): Red sauce, brown sauce or no sauce at all?

Norma: Mathematically, with no brackets, that formula does not make sense! Why divide anything by 1?

FN: (again): Did you ever practise kissing with one of your sisters' Barbies?

Adam: Guess what?

Over to you

Love and peace.