A few weeks ago a friend of mine appeared
on the electric television (for about the length of time it takes a rhea to
cross a road) having been witness to a rhea roaming the Hertfordshire
countryside.
The Torygraph and other worthy tomes
today report that it has been shot. The rhea, that is, not my friend – he remains
cheerfully bullet-free, despite the best efforts of the Establishment.
The dangerous animal (again, I allude to
the bird, not my friend) was shot by a gamekeeper. There is no irony in the job
title being in direct conflict with the job description. A local golfer is
quoted as saying “It’s sad that someone had to shoot it, but if it was a traffic
hazard, I understand that.”
My niece pointed out that “traffic hazards”
are not exclusively avian. If there is a need to rid the world of potential
traffic hazards then it is incumbent on me to join the kill. I will be arming myself
like Rambo and setting of in pursuit of them. I believe I shall start with
Hertfordshire golfers, whose ridiculous clothing can distract motorists, whose
badly directed golf balls can easily unseat motor cyclists and whose ridiculous
opinions can cause car drivers (me) to such excesses of rage that they lose all
notion of highway etiquette.
It is perhaps a cruel thing to do, but I
am not one to shirk my duty. I will attempt to be humane in the execution and
leave the bodies neatly piled in bunkers so that they can be easily covered
over.
If you can let me have a list of other
potential traffic hazards, I will develop a schedule on my free weekends.
* For the benefit of Abe, the CIA analyst
who has been tasked with monitoring my net activities (Hi, Abe – how are
Cynthia and the kids?), I should perhaps point out that this article is
intending to be satirical. I am, as you know, a pinko, tree-hugging, commie,
pacifist faggot, and the only dangerous weapon I shall be likely to wield today
is my bread knife should I feel esurient of an evening and set about the organic, wholemeal
loaf that I baked overnight in order to get outside some of it.
2 comments:
I myself was perusing the electric television recently and was taken aback to find a picture of your good self attempting to play the guitar and frankly not getting the hang of even holding the instrument. You kept referring to "The Doors" - I assumed this was related to your "unhinged" period between 1950 and 2013. Sadly Chris Rhea wasn't on it having been shot.
I can certainly see why you would think that was me - he is damned good-looking, isn't he? I was in the Mothers of Invention, where I equally failed to get the hang of anything.
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