Friday, August 12, 2005

Setting new standards

I am indebted to a correspondent on the site of the bizarre and wayward politician, Boris Johnson, for the following insight:

PS Vicus Scarra. Bog off, will you? I've read better stuff in sixth form magazines. At least they don't recycle Mrs Trellis.

This person uses the name ‘Howard’. It would be too much to be hoped for that this is the lovely Michael. To think that someone as humble as I could prove to be an irritant is a thought too delicious ever to come true.

I suspect that Howard is just another Tory attempting to gain favour by changing his name to ingratiate himself with the party leader. If this is the case, he will have spent quite a fortune in legal fees and stationery by the end of the decade.

I will take Howard’s criticism to heart, and from now on will attempt to raise the quality of this journal to that of a sixth-form magazine. In order to achieve this, I will need the help of all of the regular commentators (a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. Bugger!), so please try harder next term, and let’s have lots of jokes about how Miss Shagworthy the Chemistry teacher looks like Ronnie Barker.

41 comments:

Mark Gamon said...

Don't think that'll be too much of a problem. I'm always lowering the tone around here (there's a Blair joke in there somewhere, fighting to get out). Mind you, I'd temporarily forgotten all about Boris - think I'll spend a couple of minutes over there RIGHT NOW...

Boris Johnson's Office said...

Interesting post Vicus - now you would never use such abusive terms as b** o**, would you?

And, not likely to be the M Howard, alas...

Melissa @ Boris Johnson Office

Simon Holledge said...

What exactly is your connection with http://www.mrs-trellis.co.uk/ ?

Quote "Welcome to my new wobsite on the Internanet." unquote

Something to do with Hampshire television?

Vicus Scurra said...

No, never heard of her.
The woman is clearly disturbed.

Merkin said...

I wonder how one is christened "Melissa @ Boris Johnson Office"? Does Ms Office's credit card have her as "M@BJ Office", and how is the "@" entered on her birth certificate? Or her driver's licence? I was once told that the "@" symbol is the only symbol on a keyboard without a proper name (cf. "Ampersand", "Hash", "Squiggly Line" etc) - maybe we should name it the "Melissa"? Then we could describe our emails as (for example) 'themerkin(melissa)hotmaildotcodotuk'. What think you?

And what think Melissa? Or Boris? Will someone come and play at my Blog? Baaaaaaaa.

Vicus Scurra said...

And your name is "The Merkin" is it?
These people who hide behind aliases, honestly.

Mark Gamon said...

@ = Melissa!!!!! From now on!!!!!

It'll be such fun giving out one's email address at meetings:

markgamonmelissabtconnectdotcom

Every day a new innovation, at Vicus Scurra's site...

Adam said...

Merkin, you said she works at the "BJ" office?

She would have been excellent in the Clinton White House.

/Yes, I'm telling Clinton jokes. Welcome to 1998.
//No need to boo so loud.
///At least I pointed out the obvious joke about Boris for you.
////slashes rule!

Merkin said...

I'm not hiding behind my alias, I'm hiding in front of a large picture of an enfeebled Errol Flynn without a hat on. If I'm very still, I'm perfectly camouflaged (sp?). And pubic wigs help in the process.

You'll all be delighted to know that "Melissa" has now been accepted as the official name for the "@" symbol. See the inestimable Urban Dictionary for details. Vicus - you're famous. Even if you are in a bad mood!

Simon Holledge said...

OK, The Merkin, the game is up!

I have tracked you down to this little known and obscure website and you can't run any further.

Stand and answer the question!

Where are the 10 trees you pledged to plant to offset your prolific and filthy carbon emissions?

[ See http://www.pledgebank.com/treeplanting ]

P.S. Note that Melissa is a gorgeously suntanned good friend of mine and not an @ symbol. She is rumoured to be Vicus Scurra's grand daughter.

Vicus Scurra said...

Well done Simon, I am ashamed that this website should become a refuge for scoundrels.
Please note that in this public place the nature of my relationship to Melissa will remain confidential. However, anyone giving her any grief will be given short shrift.

Mrs T of North Island. said...

So Vicki, you're having a relationship with an ampersand now?

Simon Holledge said...

Mrs T of North Island:

Nice website you have down there. . . erm, what kind of relationship is usual around here? In any case it's an at mark not an ampersand.

Mrs T of North Island said...

(could we just talk amongst ourselves here Vics? Lets face it: you're not here half the time anyway. Call yourself a blogger huh? You've got a whole real life going on there haven't you? Pah.)

SimonH, not sure who you are but everything goes very tense/quiet/giggly when you come on, are you famous or something?

I blame marks var. for loads of things. Really I do.

And thanks for the compliment about my site.

Vicus Scurra said...

Look Kiwi, you are utterly and totally wrong. I am here half the time.
Get back to writing about your holidays in Rome. No one has ever done that before.
Mr Holledge is the internet voice of a major political party, as you should know, not as famous as Melissa, but it will do.
We have a fairly distinguished readership here, major political figures, a famous author, an ordained minister (where is broomhilda these days?) and a drunken pervert from Europe who is winner of blog awards.
That just leaves you and I, my antipodean sweetheart, to represent the talentless failures of this world. We should be banding together instead of bickering.

Simon Holledge said...

Vic was being kind.

Actually I'm writing about wild flowers. I wanted to get info about Hampshire highways & byways flora - dandelions (Taraxacum officinale) by the M3, that kind of thing . . . The Basingstoke Floribundia Society put me in touch with Vic.

He claims there that rosebay willow weed is prolific down there, but offers _absolutely_ no proof!!!! Good grief!!!!

So where are the pictures, Vicus?

P.S. Don't send any more pressed burdock leaves, OK?

Mark Gamon said...

Crikey. I go away for the day, to see Fairport Convention Melissa Cropredy, and you lot all go berserk.

I'm going away again. The football season has started, and Chelsea are playing Wigan this afternoon. Bet you're delighted to hear that...

Mrs T of North Island said...

Don’t call me Kiwi you silly man, (goodness you know how to press buttons – did you have a sister? Or were you just bullied mercilessly at school?) yes, more Italian delights in store although I feel you may be joshing about no one writing about that before.

Simon: still No idea how important you are, will goggle now. Love the flowers though.

MarkG: HELP! OUT OF MY DEPTH!

Simon Holledge said...

Mark: Why are Chelsea playing rugby league? Won't they get injured?

Mark Gamon said...

Simon - a tactical error on Mourinho's part. Fortunately, he purchased an extra Italian to kick a last minute field goal. I'm having palpitations, and rather hoping they stay away from these nasty teams in the frozen North...

Mark Gamon said...

Mrs T - I'd offer to help, but I'm drowning faster than you...

Boggins said...

I used to have a short shrift, but it grew on me.

Mark Gamon said...

A typical oblique boggins moment. I think we should frame them...

Boris Johnson's Office said...

Not sure what happened with my earlier comment - was sure it was posted - oh well!!!

All I can say is that I feel well among friends with Mark G and Simon H. Merkin - you quite blew me over! and congratulations Vicus on your quite excellent supporters!!

Hope to visit more regularly

@

Vicus Scurra said...

You are more than welcome, @.
My colleagues and I will do everything thmelissa we can to ensure your continumelissaation as the assistant to our favourite opposition MP.
Thmelissa's thmelissa, then.

zoe said...

it's all fun and games in here. i knew i was missing something whilst watching animals at kruger park.

you failed to give me an honourable mention, vicus.

i shall be having words.

Vicus Scurra said...

What's wrong with "drunken pervert"?
Much more polite than the references to you on your son's website.
Swanning in here at comment no.26 and think you own the bloody place?
And where is Watski?
When this thread started out, I was hoping to raise standards.

zoe said...

listen to me, ye olde man:

i have class, i have morals and above all, i have real breasts.

(and 3 maniac children and a boyfriend who is not fit for humanity).

Boris Johnson's Office said...

U r the funniest Zoe and Vicus!!!! thmelissa really has got to rate as unique.

With blog love

@ @ Boris Johnson

Simon Holledge said...

Vicus,

It's great that you have such direct, pithy, candid comments on your blog.

Zoe, Mrs T, Broomhilda, Caroline, Gwendolyn, Isabella, Zelda Fabiani, Hazel Blears, Sheryl and Ann Widdecombe aren't all your ex-girlfriends, are they?

Vicus Scurra said...

You may say that, Simon, but, as a gentleman, I could not possibly comment. Some might quibble with the 'ex' though.

Simon Holledge said...

I still believe in Melissa's essential incorruptibility.

Reminds me of the plot of Rigoletto. Mad jester Rigoletto (VS) has beautiful innocent granddaughter Gilda (M). He tries to shield her from the wicked world of Mantua (the Spectator) (not to mention the influence of his (ex?) girlfriends in distant lands). Meanwhile the licentious Duke of Mantua . . .

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Simon, that is exactly what I hoped for in terms of setting new standards.
Let's have more Rigoletto, and any other of the Juventus back four.

zoe said...

simon, i never was and never will be either an ex- or a girlfriend of vicus.

however, he does happen to be my mistress.

Simon Holledge said...

Zoe: Yes, yes of course.

I am sure this can be dealt with sensitively and discreetly, with or without counselling.

Now, how did it all begin?

zoe said...

simon: in a Christmas Card.

shudder.

Vicus Scurra said...

Stop it, please, Zoe. It is the end of August already, and I haven't begun work on my Christmas Card.
You are making me anxious.

Simon Holledge said...

OK I better check 'christmas card' on Wikipedia.

Not sure I am cool enough for this blog. . .

zoe said...

vicus, you'd better hurry up then. there again, you never were one to be on time ....

Vicus Scurra said...

You've never said that before (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
This from the woman whose christmas card arrived 18 months late.

zoe said...

always late and always the first to leave.

don't blame the belgian postal system on me now.