Sunday, August 28, 2005

Hands across the sea

Can I refer you to my new friend, Alice, and her web journal? I was particularly interested in her views on the withdrawal from Washington in 1814.
Please note that I am not a supporter of British imperialism, nor the sorry record of those dim-witted fascists who typically have statues erected to them for the criminal invasion of less developed parts of the world.
Neither is this article anti-American. America has given much to the world – Janis Joplin, the Modern Jazz Quartet and Weird Al Yankovic to name but a selected few. It would be churlish to mention George Bush, Barry Manilow or the Waltons in an attempt to invoke anti-US sentiment.
However, I think I can shed some clarity on this particular period of history, and for once support British policy in the handling of the invasion of North America.
Firstly, the British took the sane view that there were too many religious bigots around, and selected a cross section of the most deranged, put them on a flimsy boat and headed them in the direction of the east coast of America.
Americans celebrate their arrival in the New World annually, in a holiday called ‘Thanksgiving’, which involves the ritual slaughter of turkeys. In Britain, we celebrate the despatch of these unwanted residents every day, and only have to look at Pat Robertson to realise how wise our ancestors were to have dealt so effectively with them. Their legacy has been to give rise to countless generations of a sub-species called ‘rednecks’, who have caused the average IQ of the United States population to remain in double figures, or slightly below that in parts of the south.
Secondly, wise King George, seeing which way the wind was blowing, enacted an elaborate campaign to free Britain from the responsibility for a region that was beyond control. The holiday that marks ‘Independence Day’ in the US is secretly called ‘You’re fucking welcome to it’ Day in the UK.
So it remains to this day. Readers (AMToNW) should draw their own conclusions:
Malibu or Skegness, Manhattan or Milton Keynes, Yellowstone or Hyde Park – I think the decisions will not be difficult to make.

50 comments:

"Alice" said...

Bwahaha! Oh, you big kidder you. Vicus, luv, we just lurve you too.

Dyna Girl said...

I think I would be more Thankful if we slaughtered Bush on Thanksgiving. Ah, yes, pass the stuffing, the idiot is served.

Vicus Scurra said...

What's 75 ft. long and has 3 teeth?

The West Virginia unemployment line

"Alice" said...

What celebrated day is one of the most feared in West Virginia?

Father's Day.

Mark Gamon said...

Yesterday, I was near Skegness.

Malibu wins hands down. And I haven't even been there.

Vicus Scurra said...

Mark, have you taken leave of your senses? Whoever heard the phrase "Malibu is so bracing"? Malibu - no donkey rides, bingo, candyfloss, seaside rock or Siberian winds. That's the best they can do.

Alan said...

You forget, of course, that we left a bunch of us over there just to keep an eye on them. They may seem harmless, them Canadians, but in reality they are fierce trained killers, every man jack of 'em, ready to pounce if ever the British Crown decides it wants its territory back again.

Mark Gamon said...

Oh. That's what Canada's for.

Katch said...

Actually, the unemployment line in West Virginia has four teeth and the most feared holiday comment was stupid. Lastly, the US does not celebrate Thanksgiving to commemorate the arrival in the new world, Thanksgiving is the celebration of having made it through the first winter.

It helps when poking fun of something, to actually know what you're talking about.

broomhilda said...

...and yet YOU visited Texas...

Vicus Scurra said...

Bugger me, Katch, you are a bit touchy aren't you? Wassup? I did laugh when I saw your website however.
And, if you want to be accurate, Thanksgiving is not a celebration of having made it through winter, it is a celebration of a good harvest to ensure that the coming winter can be survived. That is why it is held in November, at the beginning of winter and the end of the harvest, because in the northern hemisphere, winter begins at the end of the year. It would be very presumptious of the early settlers to celebrate surviving winter before it had begun, as that would be a provocation to God, who abhors smartarses. Are you following my logic here, Katch, my old teapot?

MonicaR said...

Oh Vicus Scurra - you nasty, nasty little man. You are wrong about Thanksgiving and the noble lady you insulted is correct!

In fact - that first impending winter in which they arrived was barely survived and almost half of the people perished. If not for the kindness of the natives the remainder would have perished too. The first Thanksgiving was the following year - after the natives had assisted them and a bountiful harvest was the result.

I'm sure you MUST be wrong about a few other things as well!

History of the Glorious American (God Bless Us All!) Thanksgiving Day

I think that you ought to direct some of your venom toward your own government - your country is going down the shitter. Ah - ah - ahhhhh - no blaming Bush for it now.

Vicus Scurra said...

MonicaR, you are quite right, and I offer my profuse apologies to all ....
Sorry, a senior moment there, what I meant to write was "Who gives a shit?"

Vicus Scurra said...

And while we are on the subject thanks to DottyNana for:
our best friend

CarolineM said...

Going down the shitter?

Goodness, our beautiful language has come a long way hasn't it?

Mark Gamon said...

Monica - errr. Exactly HOW is our country going down the shitter? Could you be a little more specific so I know how to avoid this dread calamity?

Simon Holledge said...

I would like to sign up for Malibu, Manhattan, and particularly Yellowstone Park. When can I go?

I personally owe the States computers and comfortable footwear (Nikes, Reeboks, Tevas) without which my life would be significantly the poorer.

(N.B. I never wish to go to Skegness, have driven through Milton Keynes, and been to Hyde Park).

Mark Gamon said...

I'm with Simon. We should arrange a works outing to Yellowstone.

Could I also mention Martin guitars, without which my life would be several degrees the poorer?

Mind you, the Americans can't make a camera to save their lives...

Merkin said...

Gosh - there's some humourless Yanks out there aren't there? I also fail to see how winter had ended by November, and why an American (richest mostest powerfullest country that it is)feels the need to slag other countries off.

Besides, when was the last time an American thanked us for the internet, TV, powered flight (no, the Wright brothers didn't invent it, they just got airborne first), their language, burning down the White House in 1812, etc etc. Go on ladies, we're waiting....

Vicus Scurra said...

Alas, this post has resulted in responses that have polarised us, depending upon which side of the Atlantic we live. I didn't intend that, and welcome the campaign to repel rednecks wherever they come from. Let's leave the racially divisive stuff shall we? For my part, I shall try to avoid this sort of stuff in future, unless provoked. Adam? Look up 'provoke' in your dikshunry and provoke me.

Geoff said...

We're not going down the shitter. We're all going down the Old Bull and Bush...la la la la la.

Simon Holledge said...

The Merkin: The Americans did invent the internet, a Brit started the web . . .

MarK: Yes, maybe Yellowstone Park for Alice's 105th? I understand from her blog that she just has a couple of years to go.

Adam said...

A Brit started the Web? But Al Gore said he...never mind, that one's been done too many times.

TV? Electronic television (the kind of TV that was actually mass-produced, therefore the kind that matters) was invented by American Philo T. Farnsworth of Utah, who was then ripped off by several major companies.

Brits, however, can claim having computers before us (such as COLOSSUS) but I don't know if they had it before the first German computer.

I sometimes look at the immigration to America as us being the garbage dump of the world. All the riff-raff, "religious nuts", crazy adventurers, and poor with nothing to lose ventured over here to live. Or, in the case of the Georgian colony, go to jail. The richer people stayed in their home countries, because they had nothing to gain by leaving the continent that they didn't already have right there.

Eventually, like a cheesy superhero story, the garbage dump, with it's crazy toxins and normally unmixed chemicals, morphed into an extermely powerful being, and went on to try and save the world.

Allright, back to acting stupid... (looks up "provoke" in dictionary)

Simon Holledge said...

Adam: "A Brit started the Web? But Al Gore said he..."

Tim Berners-Lee, working in Switzerland . . . Al Gore said something else . . .

MonicaR said...

Vicus Scurra said...
"Sorry, a senior moment there, what I meant to write was "Who gives a shit?"

Well you do - you nasty, nasty little man - you're the one who brought it up.

Hmmmmmm. Going down the shitter... Crappy health care. No private gun ownership. Skyrocketing crime rates. Unassimilated immigrants being supported by the nanny state. Should I go on?

The Merkin, you ARE a halfwit, aren't you?!

Simon Holledge said...

Sad news today, UK Broadcast Internet News Service (UKBINS) has suspended its Albia Correspondent, Hugo Kent.

I think this means that 'A message from Albia' ('a country just like Britain, only worse') is folding up.

http://albia.blogspot.com/

Vicus Scurra said...

In the spirit of love and peace, I will delete any further comments you post here, Monicar.
What you have posted so far can remain as evidence of your unparallelled lunacy.

Adam said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MonicaR said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vicus Scurra said...

Sorry, Adam, I deleted your comment too because I found one of the links offensive.
All of this started because I was inspired by something that Alice wrote about Washington, and now I've turned into Mr Antifreespeech.
But, bugger it, this is my little corner of the web, and I won't give houseroom to either the frighteningly deranged, or the momentarily misguided.

Mark Gamon said...

Dammit, Vicus. I just got here and noticed Monicar's comment about private gun ownership. I'm all ready to go to town on that one. I'm like a coiled spring. I'm punchin' the walls. I'm joggin' round the room practising my uppercuts. I have my entire arsenal (not a word I willingly use) of arguments lined up like little air-to-ground missiles. In short, I'm ready to RIP the second amendment to shreds for the nonsense it is.

Please pretty please oh please? I may injure myself here, I'm so pent up...

Vicus Scurra said...

Go and post on her site, Mark, and while you're there, tell her she's a fucking twat. But say it with love.

Mark Gamon said...

Oh. OK. Into the heart of the beast, as they say.

I'm overwriting on Boris's site, by the way. I may need some of your barbed comments to get the debate under control...

Simon Holledge said...

My attempt to change the conversation obviously didn't work. . . . but this blog is located in Vicus's living room not the Roman Colisseum. We are guests here. It's a humorous rather than a political blog, so it shouldn't be all that difficult to carry on a relaxed conversation, should it?

Mark Gamon said...

Quite right, Simon. It's just... whenever anyone mentions gun culture... I get... so over-excited... I come out in sweats... and want to... we'll, y'know... grab a GUN!

I'll be more circumspect in future. I'll also try and work out which of the fifty-five parallel debates in Boris's blog I'm REALLY interested in.

Sorry, Vicus. I'll think of something to lower the tone soon.

Oh, I went to Monicar's site, by the way. They're talking about abortion. Couldn't see a way in, so I left...

Simon Holledge said...

Melissa will be back next week. B-J.com should be more focussed then.

By the way, I applaud your stamina in trying to follow and counter the arguments put forward by Field. You are doing a fine job!

Adam said...

Fair enough, Vicus. But people should at least know about the danger of internet trolls, which was what MonicaR was quickly becoming.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Adam, you are indeed a gentleman.
We just have to work on your political allegiance now.

Mark Gamon said...

Thank you, Simon. I'm trying to back off a bit. It sort of leaves a bitter taste in the mouth after a while. Can't work out why...

Adam - in my dreams, that's exactly what she is. Do you think it has something to do with accumulated hamburger consumption?

Simon Holledge said...

It's strange.

In real life I always seem to meet Blue State Americans, but on the net I come across Red State ones.

CarolineM said...

Damn. I've missed all the fun.

Good for 'Alice' anyway. At least she has a sense of humour/humor.

I have a couple of (unrelated) perfectly sensible Americans who come on my site from time to time Simon. No web-cam so can't comment on state colour/color.

Lin said...

So Simon only meets red staters online and today I met my first one. And he's not nice. And he left a link to my blog on his website and he thinks looters should get cholera and die. Now why would anyone ever think that most red staters who voted red have no flippin' sense of humor, are mean=spirited and are ? You know today was rough...I had to limp on over to Kaliyuga Kronicles to get my chakras all realigned...oh yeah, did I tell you I get my water from Malibu? xoxo pax

Adam said...

Hey now, I'm a Red-voting Red Stater, and I had a sense of humor once for a brief moment in 1994. Or so I'm told...

Vicus Scurra said...

Adam, they were just being kind to you.
Lin seems to have inherited the latest wave of loonies on her site. I suggest we head over there to lend support from time to time.
Just going to peer over the top to make sure there are no more lurking here.

Lin said...

"Lin seems to have inherited the latest wave of loonies on her site. I suggest we head over there to lend support from time to time."

Thanks Vic xoxo

Mark Gamon said...

Hey. Does that make me a loony?

Don't answer that.

Boggins said...

Well, there's one thing we can all agree on, isn't there? Merry Christmas!

Simon Holledge said...

No, no, let's not be hasty here . . . it might not be Christmas and it might not be merry.

All we can be sure about is the measurement of coffee spoons. Five million, four hundred and eighty six thousand, nine hundred and forty six, five million, four hundred and eighty six thousand, nine hundred and forty seven . . .

Mark Gamon said...

I make that five million, four hundred and eighty six thousand, nine hundred and forty SIX. Does that mean I have to go back to the beginning and start again?

Simon Holledge said...

No, it means we have to find volunteers.

We must apply for charity status, ask for donations and find volunteers to restart the measurement of coffee spoons process.

The great thing about Great British traditions is that you don't do it yourself. . .