Friday, November 10, 2006

Have you been on your holidays this year, sir?

I am pleased to note that my absence has neither affected the number of visitors nor the silliness of the comments.

I was surprised to learn that my absence from matters internetorial did not cause me any distress. I was beginning to think that I might have the beginnings of an addiction.

The other day on dear old radio 5, they were discussing the circumstances of the apprehension of Britain’s latest terrorist. (You can tell he is British, he failed abysmally to even get his neighbours to tell him to turning the fucking television down, let alone perpetrating atrocities. He must be the single most ineffective terrorist on the planet. It seems harsh to give him 40 years just for incompetence. I shall discuss this matter with some of my robed friends next time I call in at the Old Bailey).

The Radio 5 reporter said “He was arrested while he was at the barber’s, having his hair cut by armed police officers.” This caused a great deal of merriment among the listening public – yes, I was not the only one to notice it. However, during my listening period, I did not hear a satisfactory explanation.

Readers from overseas (a Mrs Trellis of North Warsaw) will need some illumination about the nature of Radio 5 and the traits of its listeners. Well, tough. I pay a licence fee each year to benefit from the wisdom of the BBC, why should you get it for free?

So, this hair cutting business. Mr Blair’s very effective terrorist prevention policy (item 1, he wears a jacket with the legend “Hey, look, I’m a nice guy, please don’t blow me up, or stick a turnip up my arse” on the back) is geared towards reducing the threats these people pose by ridiculing them. The gentleman in question was having his hair styled in the form of a comb-over at the time of his arrest, thereby rendering him ineffective as a symbol of militant Islam. If you are in Britain, particularly in one of the major cities, and you see a person with a particularly silly haircut, you can safely point him out as an ex-member of al-Qaeda. For the benefits of those not privy to this policy make sure that you create a scene and inform as many other passers-by as you can. Be wary of this outside the main cities. In places, the wearing of what would be regarded elsewhere as preposterous tonsorial effects is not uncommon among the less well informed; I refer you to the photograph on Tom’s page as an example. When Mr bin Laden is brought to book, the first act of punishment will be to fashion his beard into the shape of a shrivelled penis. Never let it be said that the Brits are not on the frontline in the war against fascism.

18 comments:

Dave said...

Are they allowed to put their guns down while they attend to matters tonsorial, do you think? Or does the word 'armed' actually mean 'armed with a pair of scissors and a very sharp comb'?

We need to know these things.

caroline said...

Oh Gawd, still gabbing on after all this years: you have to have to love him though, don't you?

Golden light sweetie, all around you.

Vicus Scurra said...

Dave, I suspect they may use bayonets to style hair.
Caroline. Bugger it woman, it is Armistice day in NZ, and you turn up here spouting bile and spreading discord. How inappropriate. I am here trying to illuminate the issues at the basis of the disharmony in the world, and you come here and piss all over it. SHE'S BACK! IT'S THE SAME ONE! We love you, honeybunch.

The Murphmeister said...

"A beard in the shape of Noel Edmonds?".
That would take a lot of skill.

Geoff said...

Did he go to Keystone Cuts?

"ello, ello, ello. What's been going on behind this ear, then?"

Dave said...

'Something for the weekend, sir? An RPG perhaps, or how about a couple of detonators?'

Richard said...

Look, I'll admit I don't know what "internetorial" means even if the others won't (I expect they read "international" like I did). I suspect you just made this word up to confuse Adam even more than usual. Whatever, you've now succeeded in making me very scared of the two Roberts, namely Charlton and Robinson.

Vicus Scurra said...

Richard: internetorial - of the internet. Of course I made it up. I also made up Robert Robinson, who was played by a series of actors, most notably Arthur Mullard on two series of "Ask the Family" and one of "Brain of Britain".

tom909 said...

Vicus you bastard, are you saying my beard looks like a shrivelled penis. With my self-esteem at an all time low right now, the last thing I need is to be giving thought to the remodelling of my entire image.
I must say I was somewhat taken aback by one so stunningly handsome as yourself, having to resort to such a cheap jibe as this.

realdoc said...

Yes vicus, your own tonsure could do with a bit of topiary.

Vicus Scurra said...

No Tom, you have drawn a false inference. I merely suggested that you were fuck ugly. There was no connection to bin Laden or a penis implied.
Realdoc. Glass houses.

Geoff said...

Do the local Devon constabulary turn up for work on their bicycles whistling "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair"?

Frontier Editor said...

Vicus,

If the British Empire is on the cutting edge of anti-fascism, then how in hell did Oswald Mosley continue a second career in acting as Terry-Thomas?

realdoc said...

Terry Thomas...oh I say

Richard Seamon said...

I always get the stress on the wrong bit of hitherto as well.

Tsk tsk.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Having a combover didn't stop Hitler.

Vicus Scurra said...

On the contrary, Daphne, that is exactly what stopped him. In 1941 when he was trying to decide whether to invade Russia or England, he was, one fine Thursday morning, having his hair styled at "Herr Style". He was having his combover while discussing tactics with the stylist. "I zink I vill invade England zis summer, and roast zat pig Churchill in Trafalgar Square". "Oh no, dearie, much too windy over there, it'll destroy your perm". So that was it, the rest, as they say, is history.

Kyahgirl said...

was that a Caroline sighting? for real?
I hope you feel suitably honoured Vicus!