Monday, November 20, 2006

He's back, snarling and pouring bile.

My new friend, Kill them with Kindness, has written about being involved in the perfect wedding.
Here is my plan for a wedding. I will not charge you for the ideas.
Option 1. Don't have it. Just live together.
Option 2. Get it done as quickly and cheaply as possible. It should not take more than 30 minutes plus traveling time, cost less than £50, and involve no more than 4 guests. I will never be one of the guests.
There, you have saved people hours of pointless time, money and stress. Thousands of men all over the world will be grateful by not having their weekend sports viewing interrupted by some ghastly and obscene spectacle involving daft tarts in silly hats, listening to the ramblings of some twat you don’t know talk bollocks, seeing some hideous crone dressed like an extra in a very perverse porno movie being referred to as “the beautiful bride” and attempting to digest inedible, badly prepared food in an atmosphere loaded with tobacco, alcohol and cheap scent.

Thank you for that, I can feel the Christmas spirit coming up on me already.

26 comments:

The Murphmeister said...

"A bile lingual tour-de-force" ; Barking Herald

Dave said...

So profoundly true.

Mark Gamon said...

Actually I'm not even letting you get away with option 2. Just live together: you'll like each other better as a result.

realdoc said...

Why didn't someone tell me that 15 years ago?

Kindness (disarms the difficult) said...

Aw Vicus, am I really your new friend? I delight in your snarls and bathe in your bile. You are so kind!

Dave said...

Look Vicus, your new friend is gesturing to you.

Wyndham said...

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I'll quote you loudly to the bride's mother during the ceremony

Vicus Scurra said...

Murphmeister. Thank you.
Dave. Thank you.
Mark. How do you know that for sure?
Realdoc. WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME?
Kindness: If you go on like this you will be my best friend? (I have relations in Arizona. Are you near Phoenix? My nephews will warn you about proximity to me.
Dave. Yes, she seems much too nice to be hanging around here, doesn't she? Perhaps she will find a kind friend to issue the appropriate warnings.
Wyndham. Yes please. Show the bride my picture and tell her that her husband will look like me within 10 years. Then tell the bridegroom, (did I just say bride and bridegroom? I meant her and him) that his wife will look like me in 5 years. And stopping wasting time and money on silly ceremonies.

momxl - spreadsheet for calculating just how much a man of the moment I am.

Pamela said...

vicus, Scrooge has nothing on you m'dear.

Kindness m'dear, run while you still can.

Richard said...

Kindness, you'll get an email from him in a few weeks telling you you're his 13th cousin five times removed. He's after a free bed. He tried it with us, then realised he's banned from South Cheshire.

Kindness (disarms the difficult) said...

Vicus, yes Phoenix and your nephews have been in touch. They are the FBI guys who showed up this morning to search the place, right?

eeeek! but Pammy how can I? I am supposed to be kind even to old snarling bile spewing blokes. May I come hide out with you?

Richard, I somehow feel that VS and I are related and how could someone so kind as I deny him a place to sleep. And might I mention he would be sharing the bed with four cats. I know how much he loves cats, right Pammy?

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, K, for your kind offer of accommodation. Please specify whether the cats are already skinned, or do I have to bring my own knife?

tom909 said...

Vicus, I am greatly saddened by your views on modern marriage ceremonies. For me as a father, it gives me great pleasure that I will be picking up the tab for what will undoubtedly be the happiest day in both my daughters lives. Your cynical approach to life only hastens the day when all moral standards disintegrate from our society altogether.
And Kindness, please, please heed Pammy's warning. I have seen one too many pretty girls lives ruined by my misguided friends bileous views. His once gorgeous and sweet wife's etc etc

The Murphmeister said...

Wyndham, there is still time to write a note....

"Please excuse Mr Triffid from attending the Wedding. He's had a billious attack"

Vicus Scurra said...

Tom, I am sure that Mrs S will be very interested in your "once gorgeous" comment. As far as I am aware there is no such word as "bileous", but if there were, I have the feeling that you are about to discover the meaning.

tom909 said...

Vicus, even the sweet Mrs S could not live with you for more than 20 years and not be corrupted to some degree by your torturous and twisted mind.
And what's with the limitations on only using already existing words - God, sometimes I think the 60s didn't even happen.

Geoff said...

xtcWe did it quick and cheap and upset a few people.

Tough titty.

Geoff said...

xtc was part of the word verification.

also not having the relatives at the marriage.

Dave said...

By the way Vicus, I don't like to (as they say) blog pimp, but I partly wrote my post on Sunday with you in mind. I don't know if you read it?

Vicus Scurra said...

Of course I read it, Dave and did pick up the reference. I trust that everyone who comes here has the common sense to read your journal on a daily basis.

Cherrypie said...

Good Lord. I agree with Vicus. Whatever is becoming of me?

Vicus Scurra said...

Cherrypie. Perhaps we should get married? Can anyone lend me five quid?

Mark Gamon said...

Vicus - long experience. I'm sure there are loads of people so secure in their relationship that being married is immaterial. But why on earth does a relationship need to be legally sanctified? It's a relationship, not a contract.

Vicus Scurra said...

If people want to do that, Mark, then it is OK, isn't it? I wanted to be married. It was between me and the lovely Mrs S. and no one else as far as I was concerned. What others do is fine by me, unless they expect to drag me into their silliness.
Not going to William and Kate's wedding either.

raincoaster said...

mark, because they want to make it very expensive to leave them, and because they want to outfit their female friends in horrible dresses so they can laugh at them all later.

homo escapeons said...

I find it troubling that these days my presence is required more often than not at funerals rather than at weddings.
Apparently those bloody actuarials are spot on.

Although in both instances the ambience and generous remarks about the departed remains relatively unchanged, I find that the food is much better at funerals.