A few words on the poignant memorial service taking place today, and the surrounding publicity.

Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Shove your market forces up your arse

I owe an apology to dear old Dave, who has been feeling poorly of late, and this morning I jokingly accused him of tetchiness - being grumpy for no reason. I had no idea that he had already read the latest load of bollocks from Boris in the Torygraph.
I have now read said article, and no, I am not tetchy, I am furious to the point of Pithery.
Please join me in posting on Boris's blog and tell him what a complete arse he is.
Here is my contribution:
Welcome back Boris, and thanks for a return to the usual standards of drivel. How my heart leaps with delight to read your words and then dash out for a quick vomit.
"But the final judge of the value of a degree is the market".
Yes, indeed, let's make sure that our children are marketable, and applaud the universities churning out faculty loads of greedy, vacuous, inarticulate, selfish and self absorbed marketeers, accountants, public relations consultants and telesales executives, with their ipods, iphones, blackberries and designer labels, with not a care for the demise of the world through the efforts of their newly sucked-up-to employers. God save Mrs T, for it is she who taught us that only those things that can be sold are worthy of praise.
And of course there is a place for those who care for others - once they have paid back their loans, got a job, a crippling mortgage and invested enough in a pension fund so that they are not condemned to the workhouse when they retire. They should be fit and able to volunteer when they are 75.

Coming to your screens soon

I am obliged (as ever) to Dave for the impetus to pen this missive to my friends at the BBC.

Dear Sir

Due to my acute perspicacity, I have observed the trend for the television companies to fill the 8413 channels currently broadcasting with all sorts of banal nonsense, the latest trend seeming to be to send some well known public figure to some place on Earth and have them report on it. I confess to not having watched all of them, being somewhat preoccupied with the series on “How to make your own Grand Canyon” on the Macramé channel, but those that I have seen seem to be lacking in originality and educational depth.

I am not sure what the aims of these programmes are. Most of the venues that are seen as “interesting” have already been filmed and reported on several times, mostly by Michael Palin. Perhaps it is time to for some genuine investigative reporting and for visiting some places that are genuinely fascinating and yet neglected by the media.

May I suggest the lovely village of Kingsley, in North East Hampshire, as a suitable site for in-depth study? We have two churches, a functioning post office, a Saxon village hall and an extraordinary sand pit. There is an active campaign to attract the 2016 Olympics, and a massive leading-edge political campaign to have the speed limit reduced, which is now entering its fifty third year. Apparently there are concerns that someone crossing the main road may be involved in an accident. I have only lived here for twenty years, and have therefore had no occasion to cross the road, but this should not minimise the possible danger.

You will not be slow to recognise the potential in this idea. I would suggest that anything more than a thirteen part series may result in intrusion in the lives of the residents, and therefore judicious editing will need to be a feature of the production.

I suggest that one of the following heavyweight presenters would be most suitable – it would be a shame to spoil the idea by engaging the services of someone not equal to the challenge:
Stephen Fry
Michael Palin
Goldie Hawn
Armando Iannucci
Penelope Cruz
Alexei Sayle.

Please keep me informed. I will not be seeking financial recompense for this idea.

I will let you all know the response. I expect a standard "thanks for your suggestion ... at this time". Anyone got any better guesses as to the reply?

News update

I am pleased to note that my friends at the BBC have edited a headline on their website that referred to “pre-planning”, and have corrected it to say “planned”. I was on the verge of telephoning Jeremy Paxman to get it put right, but couldn’t face the prospect of him telling me a string of fart jokes, or doing his Adam Faith impersonation. Fortunately, the mistake has now been rectified.

More worryingly, the BBC television news has reported that the latest investigations of outbreaks of foot and mouth disease are in an area which surrounds Chessington World of Adventure. It is vital that I make this very clear, because I know some of you tend towards hot-headedness. This news is not a mandate for you to go and begin the mass slaughter of visitors to said tourist attraction. I know that there are one or two of you who somewhat pompously believe that the eradication of the amusement park visiting section of the population would serve to improve the quality of the race, but I cannot sanction it. I never approve of cruelty, and take a very dim very of it where children are concerned. Nevertheless, action needs to be taken, and I suggest the setting up of an exclusion zone around the property. People may go in, subject to their having purchased the appropriate ticket, but no one should leave until we can be sure that they are not carrying the disease. I reckon thirty years should do it.

I am not mad

My dear friend Mike asks whether anyone has noticed a downturn in the number of visitors to their blog. Well, I haven’t checked for a while, but as I haven’t written anything since Stanley Matthews was still playing, then I would not be a bit surprised.

I could tell you, and probably will, some of the things that have been upsetting me these last few days, but am considering whether there would be any benefit, other than a gratuitous display of honesty, in visiting all of those who upset me, and telling them to their face exactly where they are going wrong. I am not sure whether I share Wowbagger’s propensity for immortality. So far I have lived for a good many years, and not died once, so using the logic that my science teachers instilled in me, it seems likely that I will live for ever, However I am not sure whether the energy required to be expended in visiting all of those sentient beings who are in need of being put right by me would be worth it. I recognise that hiding in this obscure corner of cyberspace, disguised by an alias, and shouting that everyone is as daft as a canyon full of brushes is not the most noble of activities, but it suits me.

Rather than pour bile on humanity this evening (I really don’t know where to start), let me discuss marzipan. The creation of marzipan is one of the proofs of the existence of God. Human beings have not yet reached the level of intelligence where they could concoct something so crap on their own, only a supreme deity, and a supreme deity with a twisted sense of humour and too much time on his hands (the hands may be metaphorical, I am not privy to the physical characteristics of the creator of the universe. He, she, it or them may be devoid of matter, or they could be posing as that spider you just nearly trod on. It doesn’t really matter). When this age of darkness ends, and I am left to merge into infinite bliss in the golden age, there will be no messing about with food. Nuts will be eaten separately from anything else, occasionally added to a savoury dish, but never added to cakes or sweet dishes. It just is not right. I am not a vain person, I only suspect how wonderful and wise I am because people tell me that it is so, but should there be a flaw in my character then it is due to the trauma of having marzipan added to cakes when I was a young child. Cake I could understand and enjoy. And the idea of covering it with icing seemed logical, but then some prize tit inserted a layer of marzipan between the two. In the name of buggery, why? Go on, explain it to me. I bet you can’t.

Public service announcement

This is warning of an inspection that I will be carrying out at random in the coming weeks.
I am sure that you are all very familiar with my friend Scaryduck.

I have to tell you that that is not his real name.

He has published his book. I have read it. It is excellent. And I know that you have all bought a copy as well, haven't you?

If I arrive at your house and do not find a copy, I shall be very cross.

In case you have overlooked the purchase, you can buy it here.

When I read his book I 'lol' ed quite a lot, although I am glad that I did not have to take part in the episodes that were described. He seems to say "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAARCH!" quite a lot. It is not condusive to polite conversation.

I have a signed copy. If you ask nicely, he may sign yours as well.