Sunday, May 03, 2009

Squeaky clean

Say what you like about the Torygraph (pause while correspondents dutifully vent spleen about fascism, right wing propaganda, Conrad Black, anachronistic jingoistic clap trap and so forth), but they do have good investigative journalists.

The secret behind the delay in the reopening of the meccano set in Switzerland has been revealed.


Brian Nerd, the Torygraph’s science and jolly wheeze’s reporter tells us:

But just 10 days later an electrical fault led to a catastrophic leak of helium used to cool the machine's powerful magnets, causing a complete shut-down.

The world assumed that there was something fundamentally flawed in the design that had to be fixed, or they couldn’t get a plumber for six months, or they had lost the blueprints, or there were no spare parts and then B&Q closed down before they could fulfil the order. This is all nonsense. Switzerland was chosen because of its inherent efficiency (and also because we all thought it would be bloody funny that if there was a small black hole created it would be these smug cheese chewing protectors of nazi gold hoarders who were the ones who copped it).

We can deduce that the actual mechanical problems were quite minor, it is just that every time someone said “pass the wrench, Ludwig” (I have no idea what a wrench is) everyone else would fall about laughing at the silly voice. I can report that something in excess of 212000 litres of urine has had to be removed from the floor during the repair process.

Now that the effects of the helium have worn off, everyone is speaking in a normal voice, and the tedious and ostentatious malarkey can recommence.

10 comments:

I, Like The View said...

well, I never knew that there was an e in malarkey

it's true what they say, you learn something new everyday

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes, I didn't know that you didn't know about the "e". So I have learned something new today, although I doubt whether I will remember it for long. And, generally, I put little credence in what "they" say.

Dave said...

'Squeaky clean'. Very good.

Richard said...

I haven't got a clue wht you're on about

KAZ said...

I suppose breathing helium is slightly safer than castration if you want to sound like a Beegee.

Dave said...

Now you tell me, Kaz.

Vicus Scurra said...

Kaz. Why would anyone want to sound like a Beegee?
Dave. That was very good. You are coming along quite nicely.
Richard. Yes, dear, I know.

Richard said...

I do now. I was a bit "Hello birds, hello sky" yesterday.

Penalties!

Adam said...

"I can report that something in excess of 212000 litres of urine has had to be removed from the floor during the repair process."

With that amount, I'd imagine they might start to hope that a black hole would open up and take care of it.

Nuzzer Happenstance said...

I hear tell that Hank Snow feller done gone and wrote himself a song 'bout it!

POOR OL’ COL-LI-DER,
I HEAR IT'S FULL OF PISS

POOR OL’ COL - LI - DER,
WE'LL BLAME IT ON THE SWISS

IS IT ANY WONDER THAT HADRON'S FACE IS RED
COL - LI - DER,
THAT POOR OL’ ACCELERATOR'S DEAD