Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Countdown to the royal divorce - Part 2

I think that it is an opportune moment, while everyone who one talks to is obsessing about the world snooker finals, to bring you up to date on the latest happenings in the Houses of Windsor.

Since the immense success of the wedding – I hope you have all seen the pirate video that has been circulating on the web, where they tied up Rowan Williams and had Rowan Atkinson re-enact his role from 4 Weddings, and do an alternative blessing – Camilla has been barely able to sit down. Those of a critical disposition might say that she is a little bit full of herself. She has taken to addressing herself orally and in writing as “Her Majesty Apparent”, or HMA for short. This is all very well within the confines of the family, where they are used to her high spirits, but secretly there is concern that these japes may overflow into the public arena.

Liz confides that she would love to abdicate “Nothing I’d like better than to spend my afternoons down the bingo at Chiswick, or picking up bargains in the BHS sale, but I can’t really leave the family firm in the hands of these wallies. Heaven knows what they’ll get up to without my vigilance.”

Indeed, despite their raucous private behaviour together, on the world stage Liz seems to prevent Camilla from letting her hair down. Worries about Camilla bursting into giggles during the one minute silence on Remembrance Sunday, or mooning behind Charles during the Christmas broadcast abound. They always have a horse or two to take the blame in case Phil lets one rip at the Cenotaph, but who could justify hyenas?

In the midst of this Charles remains unchanged – bewildered and increasingly unworldly.

Camilla’s latest prank was to stick a carrot up the exhaust pipe of Andrew’s Range Rover at Highgrove. Not content with that, she did the same thing to Anne’s horse. The poor creature was alarmed and terrified, brayed like a thing possessed and left a trail of carrot flavoured dung all over Charles’ organic azalea garden. The horse was similarly distressed.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Um, what exactly did you mean by
"addressing herself orally"?

Bob said...

It's a compromise. She's required to be gagged at all times, just in case, so she uses a sticky label containing that phrase.

Bob said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sheryl said...

That carrot gesture was just rude. You don't know where that carrot's been! Or if you do, try to keep it out of the press.

caroline said...

Excellent.
Good to see you back on track Vics, no one cares about elections and cricket; this is the stuff that really matters.

Bernardo said...

I just continue to chuckle when I heard that some in the UK press called her "Cowmilla" and the like. Love it! She does seem like a bawdy funny ol' broad. I think she'd be a hoot to share some booze with.

Mark Gamon said...

I just saw that too. 'Addressing herself orally'. You're putting bad pictures in my head again...

Vicus Scurra said...

Oh yes, of course, it's all my fault. I come here, out of a sense of duty, to inform you all of the activities of our favourite couple, and then all that you can do is to turn it into a focal point for cheap smut.
The duchess of Cornwall does not practise oral sex on herself. She has an underfootman to do that.
Now if that last sentence is not an invitation for several dozen more unfunny comments on the subject of perversion and anatomy, then I don't know what is.
You have brought me down to your level.
I guess that's my chance of the Booker prize fucked.

broomhilda said...

Well I can see that I have been remiss in my monitoring duties here. I am gone for a few days fulfilling my social obligations and debauchery rears it's head again.
Mark, no one is putting pictures in your head, they were already there, for you are a lecherous creature by nature. I don't blame you entirely, Vicus encourages you.

Vicus Scurra said...

Firstly, Broomhilda, it is not true that I encourage anything on this website other than the pursuit of enlightenment and a general improvement in the human condition. To suggest otherwise is tantamount to blasphemy.
BUT.
Even if I did, whose bloody website is this anyway? It's not as if I come sashaying over to your coven and spray my opinions about with no respect for territory. Oh, hang on a minute, I forgot, I do.

caroline morphess said...

Being pure as the driven I saw no hidden connotations in Vici's remark. I had no terrible unwanted visions in my head.

I do now. Thanks.

Mark Gamon said...

That wasn't lechery, that was admiration. I've seen dogs do it, but...

(Oh blast. I've committed high treason, haven't I?)

Watski said...

I knew it.

Vicus Scurra said...

Mark, you have NOT seen dogs perform cunnilingus on our future queen.
But have lowered this site to a point which I thought that was inconceivable.
Does anyone know any nice stories, devoid of sex and violence?
If I did not know Watski better, I would ask him to elaborate on exactly what it was that he knew.
I see that Martin Corry has been elected player of the year. Very well deserved. For those of you visiting the website to read about this:
http://www.sportinglife.com/story_get.dor?STORY_NAME=rugby/05/05/05/manual_062613.html
and are unsure which of the 2 people pictured is Martin, I am happy to inform you that he is the prettier of the two.

Mark Gamon said...

No, no, no, Vicus. You misunderstood my meaning. I must be clearer in the syntax in future.

I shall now beat a discreet retreat, and hope that nobody works out what I was trying to say there. If it gets out, I shall be disembowelled by Royal Charter. Just like that bloke in Braveheart...

(I know nothing about rugby, by the way. I am doubly heathen)

broomhilda said...

Someone give Mark a spanking!

Watski said...

Well the dogs around his way seem to be up for anything...

caroline morphess said...

Sorry to bring to the tone of this comment section down but don't you, or GamonEsq have anything to say about the election?

Bob said...

Caroline, what election?

Karl Yundt said...

There is a word for rectally inserting objects into horses. Feague. Apparently they carry their tails higher and are generally more sprightly, which is good if they are in a parade, or you are trying to sell them.
Sadly, this word seems to be falling into disuse.

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Reverend Spooner, for reducing the tone of this thread to an even lower level.