Friday, June 10, 2005

Making customers taste better

My friends at the BBC report that a man was taken to hospital after being bitten by a spider going about its business in the banana section at Sainsbury’s.

We arranged for his shopping to be dropped at home after the incident, and are extremely sorry that this may have caused him distress.

One can view this statement as either:

1) An apology for the embarrassment caused to the customer when his neighbours realised that he was still shopping at Sainsbury’s. “Did you see that, our Ryan? What’s wrong with Waitrose – it’s good enough for us. He’s never been better than he should be, that Mr Trellis. And now he’s got the cheek to show off that bloody spider bite as well.” Sainsbury’s should at least have arranged to have his groceries placed in a Harrods’ bag prior to showing him up like that.

Or:

2) A paltry attempt at compensation. What will prompt Sainsbury’s to be more generous – a pensioner savaged by a pack of Coyotes in the baked bean aisle? A pre-school child contracting cholera in the organic yoghourt section? Gangs of marauding shelf-stackers randomly mugging pregnant mums in the shampoo section? “I am sorry, Mr Trellis, that you suffered a near-fatal accident as a result of our negligence, so we thought we would drop your shopping off for you. That will be £34.47 + £8.50 delivery (tip discretionary) – Are you saving your rewards?”

5 comments:

Adam said...

I see you finally have a pic of yourself up. It's nice to know that you're not so embarassed of how you look that you feel the need to hide it from your readers.

By the way, I have enjoyed your delicious fried chicken for many years, and I had no idea that you had ever lived in Kentucky, Mr. Sanders. Or should I address you as "colonel?"

Vicus Scurra said...

Yes Adam.
The likeness is uncanny.
I think I should rename this journal "Kentucky Kaliyuga Kronicles".
The KKK would make you feel right at home.

Merkin said...

Personally, its clear to me that that you should rename the journal "Kraggy Island Kaliyuga Kronicles" as you are obviously Father Jack.
Drink.
Arse.
Feck.
Girls.
Etc.
Feel free to pop by my blog and abuse me - even your North Welsh reader has deserted me....

Vicus Scurra said...

That would be an ecumenical matter.

Adam said...

Seriously, it was rumored that before I moved here the KKK used an abandoned sewage treatment plant near my house as a secret meeting place. The facility was turned into a park, and the rumor is that it was done in order to scare them away.

Since then, I don't know where they've gone. From the looks of this picture, I would guess that it's somewhere in Canada. That would at least explain the lack of racial diversity in ice hockey.

Here's that picture:

http://content.collegehumor.com/img/i/img_004361053.w492.jpg