I am obliged to a reader – a Mr Trellis of North Edinburgh – for drawing the attention of the world to the long lost links between my chosen home, North East Hampshire, and Rome, the cradle of civilization.
I must disabuse Mr Trellis of the notion that I am in any way out of the country in mortal fear of this news breaking. The only reason that we have not gone public with this news earlier is that the village of Kingsley – Leviculus as it was known at the time – is already overrun with tourists, and the constant invasion is far more damaging to the environment and archaeological relics than the Romans ever were.
I can save the researchers many years of time by passing on the folklore of the area. It is well known locally that there was a Pizzahut at the Sleaford crossroads one hundred years before Christ. The term ‘thick and crusty’ has been used to describe the locals ever since. I can reveal now that the Saxon Village Hall in Kingsley was formerly the site of a Roman Baths. The ancestors of Sophia Loren and Claudia Cardinale came from Oakhanger, and fettucine was first farmed at South Hay, cultivated by hand from 50BC until the 8th century. Dante’s Inferno was based upon family legends of a holiday taken in East Worldham, famous for its unsightly hill, mentioned obliquely in Dante’s description of the 4th circle of hell.
I am in Beeville, and will be appearing in world wide media coverage of the revelations that the first humans did not come from the Rift Valley of East Africa, but rather from the site of what is now the splendid Best Value Inn, in Beeville. We will be producing evidence linking the ancient remains of a knuckle-dragging, uncouth and amoral primitive to a famous son of Texas, currently living somewhere further north. We will be deferring this news release until the current furore about the opening of the new donut store has passed.