Wednesday, June 01, 2005

You heard it here last.

It is with some relief that I am unburdened of the task of maintaining one of the world’s most intriguing secrets – the identity of Deep Throat. I have denied knowing the answer to this mystery so many times, and have always been aware that most people would never believe me. In the 1970’s I would sometimes invent an unlikely candidate in order to avoid the constant questioning; Mary Tyler Moore, Mike Brearley and Queen Juliana of the Netherlands among others all spent several months under close CIA scrutiny as a result of my attempting to lay a false trail.

Now that the yoke is lifted, I feel a strange compulsion to be candid about some of the last century’s other great mysteries. I have not taken this decision lightly, and trust that no one will be too upset by these revelations.

1) Did Hitler die in the bunker?

No. It will come as no surprise that Hitler had taken the utmost care to make contingency plans. He had damning information about the British royal family, and was able to blackmail them into taking care of him. He adopted the persona of princess Alice of Gloucester, and despite being caught several times with a mysterious moustache on public occasions, was able to bamboozle everyone outside of a small circle of trusted friends. It was perhaps the curious mixture of hormones that were administered daily to disguise the moustache that allowed him to live to such an astonishing old age. Even I was never certain of the precise nature of the information that caused such an amazing cover up, I know that prince Philip will always blush and change the subject whenever Field Marshal lord Montgomery is mentioned, however.

2) What happened to lord Lucan?

Lucan lived in obscurity for about a year after his disappearance, but like Hitler decided that adopting an unlikely identity was the best form of disguise, and became famous as Sid Vicious in the mid 70s. His drug use caused fear among the secret service, and his frequent lapse into the Eton accent was one of the factors in their deciding to have him assassinated.

3) Why did Harold Wilson resign?

To cover up a scandal involving clotted cream, a member of the singing group, the Bachelors and an assignation in Helsinki.

4) Schrodinger’s cat

Asleep.

5) Why did David Frost become popular?

Bugger off, there are limits to even my knowledge.

If you have enjoyed these disclosures, perhaps you would care to submit your questions to me, and I will make this a regular feature.

9 comments:

zoe said...

i always thought Deep Throat was a euphanism for oral sex.

now i understand.

Bob said...

Zoe, do you mean men have been lying to you all these years?

Adam said...

Something I that the world has been stuck on for years: Why, oh, why did they cancel "Andy Richter Controls the Universe"? That was a great show, most of the time.

And, on a far more trivial note, what about that Kennedy Assassination thing?

Vicus Scurra said...

Adam, Mr Richter obviously did not control the universe, otherwise he would still be on TV.
Haven't heard about the Kennedy Assassination, is it some sort of annual festival in West Dogfart, Georgia, or another of your appalling sitcoms?
Do you know what was in Compo's matchbox in 'Last of the Summer Wine"? I thought not.

Adam said...

I think that Kennedy was a President or something back in the Dark Ages (the '60s). Way back, when people went abou their miserable, pointless, pre-Internet existences.

Less important questions aside, what the hey is up with this?:

http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-hood01.html

Mark Gamon said...

Adam - it's all true. We've also been told we must 'respect' each other more than in the past.

Do not be alarmed. It's just the fall-out from Tony's little fireside chats with your incumbent president.

kevin b said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kevin b said...

Viscous

Cliche Alert, I know, but did Millbank (or wherever New Labour hang out these days) in drafting Mr Tony's sermons overlook the somewhat glaring fact that banging on about Respect is giving Gorgeous George shedloads of free PR?

OK, Osama Bin Liner and the Artist Formerly Known as Cat Stevens - have they ever been seen together? I don't think so!!

Merkin said...

Oh Vicus - you've missed the one mystery left that we all still talk about - Shergar. Personally, I have it on good authority (fat bloke down pub) that Shergar actually faked his own kidnapping, haved all his hair off, and presented "You've been Framed" on the ever-declining ITV channel "1". Since then, I think he runs swingers' parties in a B&B in Surbiton. BUT, if anyone knew the truth, it's you.... tell all.