Thursday, September 08, 2005

Countdown to the royal divorce - part 6

Although no one has directly asked, I suspect you are all waiting for me to reveal some of the secrets from Andrew’s autobiography that I mentioned in my previous article.

Obviously, I will not say too much, as the poor boy needs to earn a few shillings from the venture, bless him. So I will report nothing about the incident in Buenos Aires or the secrets of Sophie Wessex’s hen night. You will just have to wait for Amazon to get it in stock. It will be a novelty at least, with a foreword in crayon by the ‘author’.

Very few people know that the marriage to Sarah Ferguson was orchestrated by the Buck House mafia. Andrew was always abysmally dim, and it was decreed that a wife should be found of such towering intellect, that any children that were born at least had a fighting chance of being able to feed themselves before they were twenty one, and wouldn’t dribble when they spoke.

As part of the wedding contract, Sarah agreed to hide evidence of her enormous brain in public, for fear of showing up Andrew. How well she has done.

Sarah has an encyclopaedic knowledge of particle physics, the flora of Oceania and the history of Mesopotamia. She speaks fourteen languages and is a chess grandmaster.

Of course, the project was doomed from the start. I cannot count the number of times that I would be distracted from whatever I was doing by having Andy on the telephone whinging about this and that. “She is speaking to the children in Ancient Greek – she only does it to make fun of Daddy, because that’s what she calls him.” Or “She insists that she will only have a conversation with me if we do alternate lines of a sonnet. I started with ‘There was a young girl from Biarritz’, and she called me a buffoon.” Or “Why couldn’t they find me a thicky like Di or Cams? Even Sophs – she is a bit bright for me but at least doesn’t laugh when I have to get one of the footmen to tie my laces for me. One time Sarah said ‘no nookie’ unless I translated four pages of George Eliot into English.” I know, but would you have told him?

4 comments:

Lin said...

I cannot tell you how appreciative I am of your postings regarding the royal family. I'll be in the UK shortly and as we get so little real news in this country about your fancy folk (past and present), I am using your words as a primer on all sovereign issues.

Simon Holledge said...

Lin,

Vicus does it pretty straight, but you can also read a humorous version all about British public life at a Message from Albia

http://albia.blogspot.com/

CarolineM said...

Unlikely as it may seem I find that I must stand up for Vicus: he is the God of Social Commentary on all Things Royal and I couldn't possibly look any further.

Lin said...

I can tell that between Vicus and Albia I'll be stepping on toes during my entire visit to Blighty.